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Decisions, Decisions
by A. Ross, M.A. Ed.
Some people make a decision after a minimum of thought, and
stick to it through thick and thin. Others do not make a
decision at all without consulting their rov. There
are those who make up their minds, then change their minds,
and then go back to their original decision. Some folks ask
advice of dozens of people, which can be very confusing, and
in the end, they manage to make up their own minds.
Naturally, not everyone fits into these categories, nor does
each individual follow the same pattern at all times.
Parents who give their small children a choice of fruit, are
helping them make decisions. Mothers who insist on choosing
what the child is going to wear that day may be preventing
them from getting the desired experience in decision-making.
Practice makes perfect in most walks of life, and decision-
making needs practice.
If a child has had considerable opportunity in making up his
own mind, he will be more decisive as he matures. It is
unwise for a mother to tell her toddler, "You do like
this dress; you've always liked this dress." The child
probably does like the `offending' garment, but this
particular morning she is being contrary, so let her decide
for herself which garment she wants. In all likelihood,
although there is thick snow outside, it will be a thin
summer dress. But the child has had the satisfaction of
choosing it herself. Five minutes later, Mother can suggest
"a warm sweater so that you can go out into the snow."
Readers might shrug and say that this is fine in theory, but
how can one have the patience to deal with this day after
day? They have a point, but as always, these are suggestions
which usually work and prevent tantrums.
We are often confronted with conflicting emotions. Common
sense tells us to do one thing, but feelings might dictate
quite the opposite path. Do we always have to listen to the
dictates of common sense? Not at all, but it is foolish to
wallow in regrets later, if the decision was unwise. That is
frequently the reason why people ask a rov about even
trivial matters. They are putting the onus on another person
and thus feel that this was decided min haShomayim.
And if things go wrong, it was a Heavenly decree...
When it comes to embarking on a major expense, there is more
time to weigh up the decision. Initially, one assembles all
the facts, either by reading or asking others, then one
debates all the pros and cons, and finally, one can make up
one's mind. Having gone through these three stages, it is
counter-productive to have doubts again.
Although we have to make decisions quite regularly, these
things are not major, and are soon forgotten. Part of
determining on a particular course of action is the fact that
we have to cope with the results, which are not always what
we expected and also not always to our liking. Yet that is
part of life, and healthy people do not dwell on their
mistakes for too long.
We spend our lives making decisions, beginning from the
minute we wake up in the morning. Can I afford another half
hour in bed, or will there be bedlam if I don't get the
children up in time? Rabbi Dessler compares decision-making
with weighing things on correct scales. In the same way that
we may not use faulty scales, so must we not use faulty
reasoning. Furthermore, in the same way that a judge may not
make a decision after he has received bribery, so may we not
bribe ourselves! He explains that bias is bribery. As soon as
we are biased, we cannot make the correct decision. Bias is
self interest, things which we ourselves want. Thus a
decision is based on our own wishes, even if they are
subconscious, and not based on what is correct.
Indecisiveness, or the avoidance of making a decision, is
often a decision in itself. She wanted to sign up for a
course, but wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do, so
she just did nothing till her application was too late.
Chazal tell us that when in doubt, do nothing (shev, al
taaseh). Short fervent prayers, whether voiced or
thought, are a great help to those who find it difficult to
make up their minds, and yet have to do so on the spur of the
moment. When dealing with small children and even more so,
when dealing with teenagers, one often has to decide on a
course of action on the spur of the moment. One cannot always
think about it.
However, there are major decisions in life for which we need
guidance and Heavenly assistance, where we cannot afford to
make mistakes, nor even to change our minds. We are given a
free choice, but we all know that we are only human. If we
remember at all times that we are not really the masters of
our own destiny and that there is Someone Who guides us, it
will make life much easier. We have to do our best, and then
rely on help from the One Above.
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