Dear Rabbi Zobin,
In the past you dealt with the topic of burnout and this was
most appreciated. There is very little information available
on this entire subject. Whatever you can add would be very
helpful.
I wonder if it would be possible to give some guidance for
the unsung heroes of burnout: the young women who are married
to men who are going through burnout, depression, mono or
whatever you want to call it.
Thank you,
A reader in Israel
*
Readers have requested more discussion about `burnout.'
The phenomenon is not limited to bnei Torah but is a
common feature among all levels of society and it is a major
problem in the non-Jewish world. There are many different
reasons why someone can burn out. Some causes are not in
themselves direct but can be attributed to the effort which a
conscientious person can put into fighting them; these result
in the person giving way to the feelings which comprise being
`burnt out.'
For example, everyone goes through cycles of feeling good
and accomplishing and then feeling down and unmotivated.
Chazal explain that this cycle is inherent in nature. A
person needs only to `ride the wave' and eventually the
`down' feeling will pass and things will seem to pick up
again. However, if a person feels that the `down' is a sign
of failure and tries to fight it, not only can he become
emotionally exhausted but that itself can delay the cycle
continuing to the `good' upswing stage.
Just being aware of these ups and downs of life can enable a
person to recognize the situation, relax and gather strength
to enable him to exploit the approaching `up' to its maximum.
Repeatedly following the same schedule, eating the same food,
doing the same thing etc. can cause a person to get fed up
and burn out regarding that schedule, food, activity etc.
This is possible even if he initially enjoys the schedule,
food or whatever. After a while, many people will react
emotionally against it. Therefore, it is advisable to
introduce some variety into the schedule. Stop while you are
still enjoying it! For example, in the summer in Europe, it
was the norm for bnei Torah to go out to the
countryside for datche -- vacation. Similarly, Chazal
recommend a varied daily learning program.
If a person does not like his schedule, even if it is varied,
then he, too, can burn out. A person needs to be honest with
himself. Before this happens, a ben Torah needs to ask
himself if he is really enjoying learning.
A solution for the ben Torah is to find a style of
learning which he truly enjoys. Parents need to be sensitive
to the individuality of each child and understand that
different children might need other approaches to learning.
Parents cannot use themselves or others as models when trying
to relate to their children but must try to appreciate the
nature of each child on his own basis.
Overstressing a child is a classic cause of burnout,
which has been widely researched by the non-Jewish world.
Parents need to ensure that their child is enjoying his
childhood and engaging in sufficient play activities, which
are essential to healthy development. Of course, a child
needs to try to do well in cheder when he is young,
but the parent needs to bear in mind that performance in
cheder bears little relationship to performance in
yeshiva ketana and yeshiva gedola.
Chadorim in Europe before World War II finished in the
early afternoon and though cheder hours extend much
later nowadays, rebbeim report that they begin
`losing' their students by midafternoon. Therefore, when a
child returns home, parents should understand that he needs
to relax and play.
Another cause for burnout is that a person does not know
why he is doing what he is doing. True, the ben
Torah knows that learning and doing mitzvos are
very good and that it is what we need to do, but the
sifrei hashkofa explain that there is tremendous depth
and wisdom to each mitzva.
Parents must be prepared to give time and thought to the
questions their children ask them, particularly ones
which relate to hashkofa. Never offhandedly reject
such a question. You can tell the child that he is too young
and does not yet know enough to understand the answer or that
you do not have time to go into the problem now, but
the child needs to be confident that he can come to you with
any question.
If you feel your answer is forced or perfunctory, be honest
and tell your child that you agree that the answer is not
really satisfactory, but perhaps it will do for the while
until you can get a better answer. Do not be afraid to say,
"I don't know." Be ready to go with your child to a talmid
chochom when you cannot give a satisfactory answer.
As a person develops his mind through Torah, his outlook
needs to keep pace with his development. Intuitively, such a
person knows that there is more to Torah and mitzvos
and he feels a lack of drive if he does not develop that
aspect of his learning.
A major cause for burnout is lack of accomplishment.
If a ben Torah's style of learning does not lead to
his achieving mastery over what he is learning, then after
years of study, he will look back and feel that he has
achieved very little. Similarly, if someone leads a life
which does not present any challenge, it can cause him to run
down and eventually burn out. This does not mean that he
needs to live a high pressure life. On the contrary, a person
will be able to meet a challenge more efficiently if he is
relaxed.
From the beginning of his serious learning, a student needs
to set up a schedule of learning and activities which will
challenge him. Also, he needs to establish cycles of
chazoros to ensure that he remembers what he has
learned.
A person needs to be recognized and appreciated.
Living in an environment which basically ignores him can
seriously lower a person's self esteem and eventually take
away his inner drive. Living and/or learning in the company
of people who are demoralized can itself be demoralizing and
lead to burnout. Just trying to concentrate on learning while
weighed under by worries can also cause someone to burn out.
The worries might be financial, personal or just the worries
of running a home. Such a person needs to find an older
person in whom he can confide to help him relieve his
worries.
Another reason why a person can begin a downward spiral that
can lead to burnout stems from the automatic consequence of
shteiging -- going up in spiritual level. Such an
ascent automatically produces a reaction from the yetzer
hora which tries to push him down again. This is to be
expected. However, some feel that this increase in yetzer
hora is bad and that begins to undermine their
security.
A ben Torah who wants to improve his spiritual level
needs to expect this sort of reaction and should find an
experienced talmid chochom to whom he can go to for
advice on how to deal with such situations.
Similarly, there are certain aveiros that are known to
cause feelings of depression and despair but which cannot be
discussed in a newspaper article.
There are medical conditions that can cause a person to
feel low. Mono is a famous example. It is possible that
when a person feels low, this condition reduces his
resistance to illness. Then, when he succumbs, the illness
incapacitates him completely, reducing him to helplessness
and giving him a feeling of failure. Then, even after the
disease has passed, he is unable to get himself out of the
feeling of helplessness and failure that are the symptoms of
burnout.
A person can `reprogram' himself out of such a `rut' and
there are people who can provide guidance through such a
reprogramming.
Undetected vision problems are common causes for a
person having to expend excessive effort while trying to
learn diligently and maintain a full learning schedule. The
constant fight against the fatigue this condition causes can
lead to burnout. Weather conditions, unbalanced diet and lack
of sleep and exercise are some other factors that can trigger
a person into the downward spiral leading to burnout.
*
One serious point which has been worrying readers is the role
of the mother or wife when they see the husband/son heading
for and having succumbed to burnout. Usually, challenging the
victim directly will not be productive. On the contrary, it
might reinforce and exacerbate the condition. A mother or
wife will rarely be sufficiently familiar with the conditions
inside the yeshiva or kollel to enable her to offer
constructive advice. Indeed, a son or husband might resent
the attempt to intrude into his `realm.'
At this time, the victim desperately needs the unconditional
support of his parents or wife. She can suggest that he go to
a mentor for guidance. And she should be prepared to accept
and go along with the advice wholeheartedly.
The mentor might suggest that the victim change his study
program or that he take a vacation -- even in the middle of
the zman -- or even that it might be necessary to
change locations completely and move away. This is a critical
state, when the person desperately needs the support of his
family. But prevention is better than cure and the main role
of the mother and wife is to ensure that the home is as
relaxing and as comfortable as possible.
If the parents have their own posek whom they consult
consistently for guidance, it will be easier for a
bochur to understand that he needs to look for his own
mentor as he grows up. It will be easier for a mentor to give
good advice if he has known the person for a long time. There
are those who go `shopping' for advice, going from rov
to rov and thus, getting a cartful of conflicting
guidelines, which can increase frustration and lead to
bitterness and despair.
After going through all these possible causes for burnout, it
is easy to understand why simplistic, off-the-cuff advice can
easily be irrelevant or even counter-productive. Before
attempting to give advice, it is important to spend
considerable time with the person, discussing the situation
thoroughly.
A major feature of the FRAMEWORK System is screening
schedules developed within the yeshiva world and endorsed by
gedolei Torah. They enable a screener to rapidly and
accurately pinpoint why a ben Torah is burning out.
This helps the screener provide realistic, practical
guidance, enabling the ben Torah to rehabilitate
himself and return to a fulfilling Torah life.
The earlier this condition is caught (diagnosed), the easier
it is to deal with, so as soon as a child, bochur or
kollel member shows signs of rejecting interest in learning,
he should be referred for screening.
[Rabbi Zobin can be reached at 02-5373340.]
