Many children become victims of serious teasing at one time
or another during their childhood. Some children are affected
more deeply by teasing than others and often, as a result of
their sensitivities, they may be more prone to become
scapegoats. Several things can be done to help a child who is
suffering from teasing.
Speak to the teacher
The first step in helping a child who is the victim of teasing
is to determine the reason for the teasing.
There are many factors which contribute to a child's
interactions with others and his perception of those
interactions. Ask the teacher if your child is instigating the
teasing either knowingly or unknowingly. Some children
actually incite their peers and then wonder why they are being
attacked or rejected. At other times, a child might be
perceived as a victim or scapegoat for various reasons: he may
be identified as a scapegoat as a result of a timid
personality or a self-effacing attitude. Both of these traits
make him an easy target for teasing. A child may also claim
victim status to gain parental attention. Some
children's insecurities cause them to feel as if they are
being victimized when in reality, they are not.
If you have determined that your child is instigating the
teasing, try to speak to him about his part in the problem. Be
sure to use empathy and show understanding of his feelings.
Begin by reminding him of his strong points before you discuss
his problematic behavior. (You may want to use the self esteem
ideas discussed below.)
Explain that you understand how he feels hurt by the other
children but that you think there is something he can do to
make it better. Avoid language which may sound like an
accusation or a criticism. Use statements that express
feelings and opinions such as "It seems to me that when you
get hurt, you lash out and raise your voice," instead of "You
are so aggressive that it makes it hard for people to want to
play with you."
Discuss your observations and those of the teacher. It is a
good idea to set up a reward system with your child for
working on his side of the problem. Encourage him for being
strong enough to work on his middos even though it is
difficult. Setting up a point system in school where the
teacher can observe your child's progress can be very
beneficial. Daily communication with the teacher and a point
system which rewards your child at home for his improvement in
school can be invaluable. If Yanky is teasing other children
in school, for example, his teacher may give him a point for
every hour that he interacted positively with his peers and
refrained from instigating them. If Chaya's hair is not being
washed regularly and she is ostracized as a result, rewards
for good hygiene can help.
Build self-esteem
A shy or timid child needs help building his self-esteem. Have
your child draw an outline of a person or if you have room in
your house, buy a huge piece of mural paper and trace your
child's outline onto the paper. Spend as much time as possible
thinking of your child's skills and positive character traits
and write them down on small index cards. Try to think of
skills or talents that your child possesses that could help
him to stand up to teasing. For small children, you may even
include things which seem less significant such as "Knows how
to brush his own teeth well." All skills should be included.
The more skills that are included, the more confidence your
child will gain when he looks at his picture. Continue to fill
in the picture with your child from time to time. Knowing
positive aspects of his personality will give him the strength
to stand up to adversity (with practice).
Ask your child what he is being teased about and help him to
respond using his positive qualities to counter the teasing.
Take the example of a child who is going for special help and
is experiencing teasing as a result. Have the child draw a
picture of himself being teased. Then instruct him to draw a
thought bubble (a cloud-like balloon used to indicate thought
or speech in children's stories or cartoons). The child should
fill in the thought bubble with a positive response to the
teasing -- this indicates what positive thoughts he could tell
himself to cope with the teasing more effectively. For
example, he might say, "So what if I need extra help? Hashem
created me and I am trying my best. I try very hard in my
learning and I get a lot of credit (reward in Heaven) for all
my efforts. I am very good in dinim and novi and
I daven with kavono. I am also a good friend so
I don't have to be bothered by what he's saying to me."
Next, Yanky can draw a positive outcome to the teasing. This
can be any constructive solution that the child envisions. If
your child asks you to draw for him, that is perfectly
acceptable. The goal is to teach the skill in a way that will
be fun and meaningful to the child. Have your child use this
technique whenever he is willing to. The drawings should be
saved and looked at from time to time.
If your child is not in the mood to draw, you can buy a
special pair of sunglasses instead. Explain that this pair of
sunglasses can help him see himself and the world more
positively. Ask him to think of a teasing situation in which
he felt very hurt or angry. Have him put on the sunglasses and
then name some positive thoughts to replace the negative ones.
Another option is to prepare two thought bubbles, a positive
one with happy faces drawn inside and a negative one with sad
and angry faces drawn inside. Hold the negative thought bubble
over your child's head first and ask him what his sad or angry
thoughts were. (If your child is truly upset, it will help him
to have his feelings heard.) Next, when he has calmed down,
ask him for some positive thoughts or solutions to his
problem.
Ask your child if he remembered to use his positive thoughts
in school. He can imagine he has his sunglasses on or remember
some of his drawings or you can re-enact the situation using
the prepared thought bubbles. Rewarding him with encouragement
and an occasional treat or prize may help him to remember to
use his positive "coping thoughts" in the future. He can also
give himself a pat on the back for his successes. (Trace a
hand and cut it out. Then attach a stick to the back with tape
or glue.) Have him literally pat himself on the back for
special achievements. The more he learns to reinforce himself
for his successes, the better he will feel about himself and
the more independent he will become.
[Final installment: Succos edition. Teaching the child to
avoid retaliation and victim characteristics.]
Masha Wolf is available for consultation.