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Home and Family
Handling Teasing -- Part I
by Masha Wolf
Child therapist, consultant, play group therapist

Many children become victims of serious teasing at one time or another during their childhood. Some children are affected more deeply by teasing than others and often, as a result of their sensitivities, they may be more prone to become scapegoats. Several things can be done to help a child who is suffering from teasing.

Speak to the teacher

The first step in helping a child who is the victim of teasing is to determine the reason for the teasing.

There are many factors which contribute to a child's interactions with others and his perception of those interactions. Ask the teacher if your child is instigating the teasing either knowingly or unknowingly. Some children actually incite their peers and then wonder why they are being attacked or rejected. At other times, a child might be perceived as a victim or scapegoat for various reasons: he may be identified as a scapegoat as a result of a timid personality or a self-effacing attitude. Both of these traits make him an easy target for teasing. A child may also claim victim status to gain parental attention. Some children's insecurities cause them to feel as if they are being victimized when in reality, they are not.

If you have determined that your child is instigating the teasing, try to speak to him about his part in the problem. Be sure to use empathy and show understanding of his feelings. Begin by reminding him of his strong points before you discuss his problematic behavior. (You may want to use the self esteem ideas discussed below.)

Explain that you understand how he feels hurt by the other children but that you think there is something he can do to make it better. Avoid language which may sound like an accusation or a criticism. Use statements that express feelings and opinions such as "It seems to me that when you get hurt, you lash out and raise your voice," instead of "You are so aggressive that it makes it hard for people to want to play with you."

Discuss your observations and those of the teacher. It is a good idea to set up a reward system with your child for working on his side of the problem. Encourage him for being strong enough to work on his middos even though it is difficult. Setting up a point system in school where the teacher can observe your child's progress can be very beneficial. Daily communication with the teacher and a point system which rewards your child at home for his improvement in school can be invaluable. If Yanky is teasing other children in school, for example, his teacher may give him a point for every hour that he interacted positively with his peers and refrained from instigating them. If Chaya's hair is not being washed regularly and she is ostracized as a result, rewards for good hygiene can help.

Build self-esteem

A shy or timid child needs help building his self-esteem. Have your child draw an outline of a person or if you have room in your house, buy a huge piece of mural paper and trace your child's outline onto the paper. Spend as much time as possible thinking of your child's skills and positive character traits and write them down on small index cards. Try to think of skills or talents that your child possesses that could help him to stand up to teasing. For small children, you may even include things which seem less significant such as "Knows how to brush his own teeth well." All skills should be included. The more skills that are included, the more confidence your child will gain when he looks at his picture. Continue to fill in the picture with your child from time to time. Knowing positive aspects of his personality will give him the strength to stand up to adversity (with practice).

Ask your child what he is being teased about and help him to respond using his positive qualities to counter the teasing. Take the example of a child who is going for special help and is experiencing teasing as a result. Have the child draw a picture of himself being teased. Then instruct him to draw a thought bubble (a cloud-like balloon used to indicate thought or speech in children's stories or cartoons). The child should fill in the thought bubble with a positive response to the teasing -- this indicates what positive thoughts he could tell himself to cope with the teasing more effectively. For example, he might say, "So what if I need extra help? Hashem created me and I am trying my best. I try very hard in my learning and I get a lot of credit (reward in Heaven) for all my efforts. I am very good in dinim and novi and I daven with kavono. I am also a good friend so I don't have to be bothered by what he's saying to me."

Next, Yanky can draw a positive outcome to the teasing. This can be any constructive solution that the child envisions. If your child asks you to draw for him, that is perfectly acceptable. The goal is to teach the skill in a way that will be fun and meaningful to the child. Have your child use this technique whenever he is willing to. The drawings should be saved and looked at from time to time.

If your child is not in the mood to draw, you can buy a special pair of sunglasses instead. Explain that this pair of sunglasses can help him see himself and the world more positively. Ask him to think of a teasing situation in which he felt very hurt or angry. Have him put on the sunglasses and then name some positive thoughts to replace the negative ones. Another option is to prepare two thought bubbles, a positive one with happy faces drawn inside and a negative one with sad and angry faces drawn inside. Hold the negative thought bubble over your child's head first and ask him what his sad or angry thoughts were. (If your child is truly upset, it will help him to have his feelings heard.) Next, when he has calmed down, ask him for some positive thoughts or solutions to his problem.

Ask your child if he remembered to use his positive thoughts in school. He can imagine he has his sunglasses on or remember some of his drawings or you can re-enact the situation using the prepared thought bubbles. Rewarding him with encouragement and an occasional treat or prize may help him to remember to use his positive "coping thoughts" in the future. He can also give himself a pat on the back for his successes. (Trace a hand and cut it out. Then attach a stick to the back with tape or glue.) Have him literally pat himself on the back for special achievements. The more he learns to reinforce himself for his successes, the better he will feel about himself and the more independent he will become.

[Final installment: Succos edition. Teaching the child to avoid retaliation and victim characteristics.]

Masha Wolf is available for consultation.

 

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