. . . and here we are in Sivan-Tammuz!
Hashem knows what He's doing.
Each person's life's circumstances are given to us for a
definite purpose. We don't presume to know anything about
past lives and reincarnations, nor are we supposed to think
about such mystic things. But the following metaphor might
shed some light on the different situations dished out to
different people:
Let us compare life to a school, and different roles as
courses. Let's say that in a past life, a woman excelled as a
wife and a woman of valor, an eizer kenegdo -- eishes
chayil. Yet she still has some flaw to mend in another
area of her life. So she goes back to `school' but since
she's already earned her credit as a good wife, she doesn't
need to take that course again. Certainly not if she risks
lowering her grade!
Now let's put this into more practical terms. You meet a
woman at a simcha. For the fifteenth exasperating time
this evening, she's replied (this time, to you) that she is
32 and single. She registers the pity you register on your
face. You offer to put her on your mishmeres. You tell
her about your husband's cousin's niece who's a matchmaker.
You don't understand why she's suddenly intensely interested
in her fruit salad. This is all the more painful and
exasperating for her if the simcha happens to be a
wedding. You add, "Soon by you," and she grits her teeth and
forces a smile. So we said the
wrong thing. What could we have said?
I was recently at a bris where the conversation turned
to this topic. A woman at my table told me that when she
meets women in their forties who aren't married, she has
stopped saying, "Soon by you." I personally think this is a
kindness. Although forty is not the cutoff point for marriage
or children or anything else for that matter, realistically
speaking, there are women who are not going to get married
and have children. And telling them that they certainly will
soon (they're still young) is condescending and irresponsible
unless you are prophetic...
We often observe women who have not been blessed with
children despite years of waiting, praying and medical
intervention. Our hearts go out to them. They are naturals
with children, are often teachers and we don't understand how
someone so wonderful with children is not given the
opportunity of motherhood. Perhaps her great gift with
children is a reflection of a past gilgul where she
excelled at raising ten talmidei chachomim and Jewish
`princesses' who were all righteous and accomplished and
she's done her duty. She has perfected that role of her
neshoma and she's here to do something else.
WE DON'T PRESUME TO KNOW THESE THINGS, AND CERTAINLY DON'T
HAVE ANY CONCRETE ANSWERS ON WHY PEOPLE WERE BORN INTO THEIR
PARTICULAR CIRCUMSTANCES.
Let us wax metaphorical again. Every piece of music is a
world unto itself. There are some compositions that require a
lot of woodwinds, others feature a lot of brass. Some have a
piano solo, others -- harp, still others are heavily
concentrated in the strings.
I attended a daylong rehearsal a few months ago of an
orchestra preparing for several concerts. Each piece, each
concert emphasized different instruments. So, too, with us,
each journey of our soul in this world is a different
composition with different parts to play. We need to follow
the sheet music and play our parts the way they were scored
by the Conductor. It we're a cello, it would be absurd for
the first violin to lean over and tell us not to fret; we'll
soon be a flute.
The same principle applies to all our life's circumstances.
Whether we're rich or poor, strong or weak, accomplished or
struggling.
All this isn't to say that a woman who is unmarried or not a
mother shouldn't exert efforts in the right direction or give
up hope. I'm not suggesting we stop praying for our unmarried
friends or blessing them that they soon be mothers, or
looking for potential matches. I know of men and woman who
got married in their forties and even fifties and had
children. We have to do our best to make things happen in our
lives. We should continue to hope and pray for others because
we never know what might tip the scales and bring about their
desired result. However, we have to change our attitudes
about our own and other people's fortunes or perceived
`misfortunes' since no one knows what is best for them or
whether the specific thing they are praying for is what they
particularly need. We should continue to pray for people to
have their heart's desires for the best, but not
because if they don't -- they will have lived their lives in
vain!
Hashem knows what He's doing.
People know what they're doing. We have to give both Hashem
and other people the benefit of the doubt. We should, of
course, bless our good fortune and thank Him if we share our
lives with our soulmates or progeny. But we have to realize
that those who are unmarried, divorced, widowed or childless
[or even handicapped!] are not necessarily suffering Divine
retribution. Maybe they are just one step AHEAD of us in
attaining perfection! We can't presume to know Hashem's ways.
What we can do is show greater sensitivity and appreciation
for the people who may not share our same life's
circumstances.
We are all exactly where we are supposed to be, doing exactly
what we are supposed to be doing. For the most part, we
wouldn't WANT to be in anybody else's shoes, no matter how
shiny. By the same token, we shouldn't wish them to be in
ours. And when adjustments are necessary, we leave it to the
Weaver of life's tapestry.
We need to invest our energies in perfecting ourselves in the
areas in which we are working so that next time 'round, there
won't be a next time 'round.
[Perhaps readers in any of the above situations might want to
give us some pointers on how to relate to them: what to say,
what not to say. Confidentially, without by-lines, as a
public service!
Address to: Sheindel Weinbach, Panim Meirot 1, Jerusalem, or
FAX to 02-538- 7998.]
