Rarely will you find adults who will thank their parents for
having spoiled them...
Most adults who are insecure and need constant support are
people who were spoiled as children. Spoiled kids grow up to
be adults with weak characters. This is a necessary cause-and-
effect. Spoiled children start out as spoiled babies who are
indulged by everyone in the house. From Day One, the baby is
used to getting everything he could possibly want.
Of course, every baby is helpless and dependent at first and
this is only natural, but there is a basic difference between
giving a helpless baby what he needs and fulfilling his every
desire. A baby learns very quickly that he can take advantage
of those around him, and if we acquiesce to his demands, he
will act accordingly. He'll ask for more than what he needs
and for much more than we can give him.
As time goes on, the cute baby who asked for toys and sweets
will turn into a demanding child who won't be satisfied with
small things any more. He won't let up until he receives a
battery-driven child-size car or an enormous garage for his
motor collection. When he grows up, he'll ask for a state-of-
the-art computer and later on, he'll want a real car -- plus
a driver's license, of course. There's no limit to the
demands of a spoiled child. Therefore, it is important from
the very start to prevent the situation from deteriorating
and to check whether we are being too indulgent with our
children. If so, we can change our approach to parenting. The
question is how can this be done? How can we bring children
up without spoiling them?
1. Love instead of indulgence
A growing baby needs care. We must, of course, nurture him
and give him a lot of warmth. How? Not by spoiling him, but
by giving him a great deal of love, legitimate attention and
affection. There should be no bounds to our love for our
child. As soon as the baby feels loved, he won't need all the
external trappings as proof of our affection.
2. Spoiling is bribery!
One of the problems of our generation is the meaningless race
after material possessions. The world is advancing and in
order not to lag behind, we run after it, only to find at the
end that it's all transitory, and that we haven't
accomplished anything. Many parents neglect to give children
the attention they need because of lack of time. Unlike in
other areas where the results are almost immediately visible,
such as feeding the child and watching him develop
physically, or helping him with his lessons and seeing him
succeed in school, and getting compliments from those around
him, the love we give a child does not give immediate
results. Even for the future, there is no promise of success.
No one can assure us that if we love our child today, he will
return our love doubly in the future. Or that if we love him,
he'll obey us. We can never measure with a ruler the effects
of our love. But even if we don't see the results of our
affection now, we know that deep inside, the child has surely
been affected.
Unlike love (which is sowing for the future), spoiling and
indulgence is a type of bribery for the child. Selfishly,
we're not interested in taking out time from our busy
schedule, so instead, we give him presents. But, no, he won't
`buy' this. Children expect something much deeper than
that.
3. Don't give in to demands
The more we give in to children's demands, the more we
reinforce the idea that they are entitled to everything, and
if this is so, how could we possibly say `no' to them when it
is necessary? "No, that's enough!" Parents of spoiled
children have trouble explaining to them why yesterday they
got what they wanted and today they can't have it. What has
suddenly changed? They continue giving him what he demands
since they interpret this as loving the child. If they would
exchange this endless spoiling for real love and quality
attention, the child would respect them for it. A loving
parent won't give endlessly to his child, but will invest
meaningful time to teach him how to do things so that he can
manage in life and fit into society later on.
On the contrary, when parents do things for a child, he
becomes dependent upon them and will stay helpless even later
on in life. A loving parent will teach his child skills, but
not leave him completely on his own. He'll stay in the
vicinity, he'll check to see if the child needs any help and
what is the minimum he needs to receive. Accordingly, the
parent will also know what to give and what to demand from
the child. The child who is not used to being indulged won't
feel he has any claim to more than what he receives, and will
not be resentful towards his parents.
4. Teaching children to give
A loving parent needs to know that the most important form of
giving is to enable others to give also. A child has to learn
that he is responsible for his own happiness and success. He
has to use the resources his parents gave him for his own
good and for his relationship to others.
It is difficult to find adults who will thank their parents
for having spoiled them. In general, as adults, people who
were spoiled have considerable difficulty getting used to a
new framework based on giving to others and acting
independently, which they never practiced as children. On the
other hand, many adults are grateful to their parents for
having taught them to give and to gain experience on their
own.
TIPS
* The opposite of indulgence is responsibility and
independence.
* It is very important not to run and solve every small
problem for the child. Let him work them out for himself.
* You can take `time out' and indulge your child for a short
period at any stage in life, as long as he understands that
when the `game' is over, life goes back to normal. There are
times when children need an extra measure of T.L.C. (tender-
loving-care).
* Children know that not everything is theirs by right. But
they will keep trying to see if we are also aware of this. A
spoiled child can be saved by using humor. My father used
this tactic often when a child would fall lightly and cry as
if he had broken all his bones -- "Come here, sweetie," he
would say jokingly, "and I'll pick you up."
