Part I
Some small children experience severe difficulties when they
don't get their way. Parents and others may label these
children `spoiled' or `stubborn.' With careful examination it
is possible to look past the `spoiled' or `bratty' label and
understand the child's feelings more fully. There are times
when a child may feel deeply upset and is not just acting
`spoiled' or being `manipulative.'
We are obligated to judge our fellow Jew favorably. This
requires an effort to try to understand why he is performing
actions which seem inappropriate. Similarly, we should try to
understand the reasons for children's inappropriate actions.
Developing understanding of one's children's feelings will
help to reduce anger and frustration and will increase love
and understanding. Often, when children misbehave, there is a
root cause that can be understood and at least partially
resolved.
Expectations play a large role in the emotions of a person
who suffers from disappointments. By looking at
situations in our own lives in which we've suffered from
unmet expectations, we can better understand our children.
Consider the following example:
You have planned a dinner out with your spouse. You rarely
get time together and almost never go out together alone.
You've had an extremely tiring and challenging day but the
thought of your night out has kept you going, helped you to
recharge your batteries throughout the day. You already know
where you will go, what you will order and what you plan to
wear.
When you get home, your dream dinner becomes a lot less
dreamy. Your spouse has a terrible headache, the outfit you
planned to wear is stained and finally, when you get to your
chosen restaurant, it is closed for repairs. You had been
planning and looking forward to this dinner all week. Your
expectations were very high and as a result, your emotions
fell very low. How will you feel? Depending on your stress
level and personality, you may feel very angry and
disappointed and be in a bad mood the rest of the evening.
You may mope and decide to just go home or you may be able to
cope with the disappointment and salvage the evening by
finding another restaurant, something else to wear or by
getting your spouse some aspirin. This all depends on your
ability to adapt to change, your expectations for the evening
and your outlook and stress level that day.
If you are a parent of a large family, you may have already
learned to prepare yourself for the unexpected. You may
realize that the best laid plans may not come to fruition if
a child is sick or a babysitter suddenly can't make it.
Being prepared for life's setbacks makes you more adaptable
and therefore, less disappointed when the inevitable setback
does occur. In understanding your child's emotions when he is
disappointed and preparing him for future disappointments or
unmet expectations, you are giving him tools for life. When
your child is crying because he cannot sit in the chair that
he wants, imagine what he may be feeling and try to imagine a
similar situation in your own life that would make you feel
like him.
The following is a true story about a young kollel
couple who went on a vacation shortly after their wedding.
The kalla, who was raised in a comfortable home and
was used to lavish vacations, had dreams of going to a hotel
on the beach with a beautiful view, luxurious rooms and
delicious meals. They even had plans to visit a scenic
tourist attraction which had a magnificent waterfall she had
seen in pictures. The young bride did extensive research
until she found just the right place and was told they could
take a day trip to the waterfall and its nature reserve. When
they arrived, her heart sank. The `beach' was a rocky stretch
of dirt which she could barely stumble across. The view was
of the hotel's backyard and the rooms and the food reminded
her of common dormitory fare, not the luxury she was
accustomed to or expecting.
The next day, they started off on their trip. When they got
to the bus station, they were told to take a certain bus and
to change at a second location. At that second location,
there was no bus to the nature reserve. Having come so far,
they decided to take an hour walk to the waterfall and after
about ten minutes of walking, it began to pour. Neither of
them had a jacket or an umbrella. They now experienced their
own personal waterfall. Literally, the rain was pouring down
on them and figuratively, they had reached what they thought
was their lowest point in the trip. Their expectations misled
them again because things continued to get worse.
They finally decided to take a taxi, despite the small
fortune it cost them. They expected the taxi to drop them off
at their destination and they planned to catch the bus (which
they were promised existed) back to the hotel. When they
arrived, the waterfall had flooded, making it impossible to
approach by foot. The driver waited for them while they took
a two minute view of the waterfall. After all, they had spent
a fortune and many hours to see it. He was scheduled to take
them to another part of the nature reserve where they could
explore before catching their bus out.
Once they were dropped off at the second spot, they checked
the bus schedule with the park authority and were told that
there was no bus. The rest of the visit was spent searching
the deserted area for a way out. The park warden had already
left. The couple could not believe what had happened to them
on their special vacation. They decided that in the future,
they would have to know never to harbor any expectations. If
they started from zero, they would not be disappointed if
things did not go their way.
On their way home, they finally got a ride and were dropped
off at the most beautiful spot they had ever seen in their
lives. They saw beautiful horses running in a lush meadow
overlooking a waterfall more beautiful than the one they had
just come from.
They felt that they had been taught an important lesson. If a
person is prepared for what he feels are setbacks and accepts
them graciously, he will be rewarded with the ability to see
beauty in his life. Following this experience, the couple
learned their lesson and was able to fully enjoy the
remainder of their vacation. They were prepared for
disappointments and were not upset by them.
This lesson is very important in the lives of children. If a
child is prepared for complications or disappointments in
life, he will learn to adapt to them and to appreciate and
enjoy life's rewards more fully.
[Second part next week: Adjusting to
Disappointments]
Masha Wolf: Child therapist, play therapy and parent training
and support. 02-656-2172
