"These guidelines," declares the heading to the recently
published "Simcha Guidelines" for chasunas, "will help
relieve the overburdening financial strain on many of our
neighbors, friends and relatives."
It is true. I had the pleasure a few weeks ago of
participating in a wedding that was structured in accordance
with the guidelines -- preceded, at the engagement, by a
relatively modest in-house lechayim rather than a more
elaborate hall-based vort; and featuring a one-man
band at the chasunah; a seudas mitzva reserved
for only closest family and friends, totaling approximately
300, with a much larger invitation list participating in the
chuppah and simchas chosson vekalah (actually,
simchos chosson vekalah; the first dance was shortly
after the chuppah and preceded the meal, so that non-
dinner invitees could fully participate, just as they could
in the second, post- seuda, dance); minimal floral
arrangements; and a limited number of smorgasbord hot dishes.
And, yes, money was saved -- a considerable amount.
So too was time. The mechutanim were nervous, when
they sent out so many non-dinner invitations, that some of
their friends would take offense at not being invited for the
seuda. To their delight, though, they received
numerous expressions of appreciation from guests who were
able to partake in the simcha without having to devote
a full evening to the affair. These guests told them of the
time they were able to spend with their families, the
shiurim they were able to attend and chavrusas
they were able to learn with, the reasonable hour they
were able to get to sleep. The expressions of appreciation
were so effusive that the mechutanim began to feel
badly for those they had invited to the full affair!
The Invaluable Intangible
The tangible benefits of scaling down our simchas are
so obvious, and so substantial, that it is almost
embarrassing that formal guidelines are needed to help bring
us to our collective senses. And, no doubt, those tangible
benefits were very much on the minds of the gedolei
Yisroel who promulgated the guidelines, Roshei Yeshiva
and Rabbonim all too familiar with horror stories of parents
going deep into debt to help pay for their children's
weddings and of harried individuals whose long and frequent
nights at catering halls leave them little time for their
families and themselves.
But the distinguished rabbis also had something else in mind,
something intangible, yet perhaps even more valuable than
savings of Jewish money and time: the saving of Jewish
values. Their main thrust is evident in this translated
excerpt from the Kol Koreh they issued in conjunction
with the guidelines:
The Torah says, "Not because of your great numbers did Hashem
love you." In fact, Hashem told the Jews, "I desire you
because even when I bestow greatness on you, you make
yourselves small before Me" (Chulin 8a). Chazal learn
this from Dovid Hamelech ("I am but a worm, not a man"), from
Avraham Ovinu ("I am dust and ashes") and from Moshe and
Aharon ("What are we?"). This has been the special merit of
the Jewish people from time immemorial, and is all the more
so today, when Hashem has clearly devalued the arrogance of
man and deflated his pretensions.
The call of the hour, then, is to distance ourselves from the
materialistic trappings of our lives, and to divest ourselves
of the excessive indulgences in which so many people are
involved. It is a time for restraint, modesty, and a scaling
down, reflecting a life of holiness, in keeping with the
command, "Sanctify yourself even in what is permitted to
you."
The issue, then, is not merely one of time and money. The
guidelines speak just as powerfully to the wealthiest
baalei simchah in the world who can afford the most
lavish affair imaginable, and whose friends and family are
members of the leisure class with lots of spare time on their
hands, as they do to the rest of us -- because they reflect
concern for the most basic of Jewish ideals.
Confounding the Caricature
Modesty and restraint are supposed to be hallmarks of
Hashem's chosen people. Yet, tragically, one of the
characteristics by which the outside world so frequently
defines us -- and so condescendingly mocks us -- is
ostentatiousness. Popular culture abounds with snickering
portrayals of Jewish conspicuous consumption, with cruel
caricatures of Jewish affairs as garish displays of glitter
and gluttony devoid of any semblance of dignity and decorum.
For this we have become an object of derision and scorn --
hoyinu la'ag vokeles bagoyim.
So thank you, Novominsker Rebbe and all the other gedolei
Yisroel who issued the guidelines; thank you, Shia
Markowitz and Gedalia Weinberger and all the other lay
askonim who invested enormous amounts of time and
energy on this historic project, thank you for easing our
financial burdens and giving us back our precious time. And
thank you, most of all, for restoring dignity to our
simchas, for setting an example for the rest of the
Jewish world to follow and the non-Jewish world to admire,
for reminding us that essential Jewish values are worth
saving too.
(Chaim Dovid Zwiebel serves as executive vice president for
government and public affairs of Agudath Israel of America.
This first appeared in "Coalition" an internal publication of
Agudath Yisroel of America. )
