Parents' signature during the morning rush?
Morning rush hour. Everyone is in a big hurry to get
out. "Ima, you have to sign here!" Dvora quickly hands
Ima a notebook with her right hand and a pen with the
other hand.
"What am I signing for?" asks Ima while hurriedly
spreading peanut butter on the sandwiches. "Oh, it's to
say that you know that I talked to my friend during the
science lesson." "And why are you showing it to me now?
How many times have I told you that I don't write notes
in the morning or sign any notebooks?" "Ima, I forgot
about it yesterday." "I'm sorry, but how can I sign
during this rush? I first want to check out what it's
all about, not just to sign blindly." "But Ima, the
teacher warned us that without a signature, we
shouldn't even bother coming to school!"
So, of course, Ima, who is also in a rush to get to
work, or whatever, signs the notebook.
"Nu, where are the checks? My friend's waiting
downstairs!"
A warm evening during the summer vacation. "Ima,
prepare the checks!" Dudi calls out. "What checks?"
answers a surprised mother. "For the swimming lessons."
"When did we discuss signing up for swimming lessons?"
"But I told you two weeks ago. You probably forgot
already." "I want to think it over some more." "But my
friend Avi is waiting downstairs and we already made up
to go together. His parents told him that it's really
worth it. This kind of opportunity doesn't come up
often." "I still haven't spoken to Abba about it." "But
I'm sure Abba would agree. He, himself, said that
Chazal say that a father has to teach his son how to
swim." "Well, let's just wait until Abba returns and
then we'll ask him." "Oh, Ima, puleeease! Today is the
last day we can register. Most of my friends have
already signed up. Nu, Ima! Avi is waiting for me
downstairs..."
"Mother lets me and even says it's a `chessed'."
"Hello, Abba. Mrs. Friedman, our neighbor, just called
and asked me to come and babysit." "Did Ima say you
could go?" "Ima's not home now, but of course she lets
me babysit occasionally." "And who will watch little
Tzvika until Ima comes home from her class?" "He
usually falls asleep at this time. Besides, Avigail can
also watch him for a few minutes. She knows how to keep
him happy." "I'd feel better if we could call Ima right
now and ask her directly, but we can't bother her in
the middle of the shiur." "But Ima herself always
tells me that it's such a chessed to babysit and
it's not the first time that I'm doing it. Besides,
Abba, you know that I always take off maaser as
soon as I get paid."
Special Sensors
Sounds familiar? Chances are you've heard it all
before. Children's manipulative behavior is a normal
phenomenon, and is a sign of the child's cleverness.
Certain children develop sensors which tell them
exactly which are the parent's vulnerable points and
they try to take advantage of this knowledge. Without
learning any of these things in school, children know
instinctively what their parents will allow them to do
and what not, and they certainly know how to
differentiate between the two. For example:
"Abba won't let me get away with it if I tell him now
that I'm too tired to do my homework. He'll make me do
it anyway, but if I work on Ima a bit, I'm sure she'll
give in."
"I know Abba won't mind if I go to sleep without
showering, but if Ima finds out, she'll really make a
fuss."
"Abba's really nervous now. I'd better not mention the
computer game I'd like to buy."
On the other hand:
"Now that Ima is in such a great mood after hearing the
good news this morning, it's a good time to ask her if
I can go see the play."
This know-how helps children relate to their parents
cleverly. They know whom to turn to for what and also
when to ask. If the parents are so busy that they don't
find time for their children, the children at least
know how to profit from this.
Children hear what they want to hear.
One of the ploys children use is assembling half-truths
and connecting different principles, and somehow making
a wonderful concoction out of all these things. True,
the son once heard Abba mention that Chazal discuss the
obligations of a father to his son, and one opinion
does mention something about swimming. But who says it
has to be this particular course at this specific time,
if at all? Perhaps there are some basic facts which
have to be checked into concerning this course? Maybe
things are a bit difficult financially at this time and
the father would rather put off these lessons in the
meantime.
Sure, Ima told her daughter that babysitting is a
chessed, for herself, definitely, and
occasionally when the neighbor is urgently in need of
help, but is that true for every case? What about the
fact that in her own house there is a little brother to
watch? And besides, don't parents have the right to
prevent their daughter from babysitting in a home which
is not up to their standards spiritually?
Sometimes children interpret what they hear in a
distorted manner, because they don't want to hear what
is really being said. For example: the daughter asks
her mother what her opinion is of giving pocket money
to children. The mother explains that there are good
reasons to give and others not to. The child hears and
stores the information away. A while later, the
daughter turns to her father and asks for pocket money.
"Even Ima agrees that it's a good idea." When the
father speaks to the mother to clarify the issue, he
realizes that obviously, the child heard what she
wanted to hear.
By the way, this tendency can be found among adults as
well. A religious therapist once told of his experience
with an avreich he was counseling for certain
problems. After hearing the solution suggested by the
therapist, he decided to ask the opinion of a
godol, with the therapist's agreement.
The avreich came back a while later with a
different solution, one so completely at odds with the
therapist's that the latter decided to approach the
godol himself and clarify the matter. The Rov was
shocked when he heard the solution the young man
claimed he had suggested, but then he said with a
smile, "Don't you know that people hear what they want
to hear?"
Sometimes, cleverness actually borders on deception.
Chani wants to sleep at her friend Adina's house. She
pressures her mother by telling her that she already
made up an overnight bag to take along, that Adina's
mother is waiting for her and has already prepared a
bed. Afterwards, Ima discovers that all this was not
even true. In fact, Adina's mother had been asked to
invite Chani and she was even told that Chani's mother
would be pleased with the invitation. This trick is
sometimes employed by clever salesmen who claim that so-
and-so already purchased the item, which upon
examination turns out to be untrue. (This is to
differentiate, lehavdil, with the method employed
by Aharon Hakohen who loved peace and pursued peace. In
order to restore harmony between feuding parties, he
changed the facts for the sake of peace, by telling
each one how remorseful the other side was and how they
were longing to make up. Afterwards, when the parties
would meet, they would immediately make peace.)
Not afraid to answer
Most of the manipulations which work succeed on a basis
of time-pressure. If the parent had had the time to
check things out at leisure, the score would surely be
1-0 in favor of the parent. When a child turns to a
parent with a request requiring an immediate answer,
the first step should be to neutralize the time
element:
"I heard what you want but first of all, I'm going to
discuss it with Abba/Ima. Until then, you don't have my
permission!"
"We agreed a long time ago that if you need a
signature, the time to get it is in the afternoon or
evening. In the morning, it's just out of the
question!"
Even if the daughter `threatens' that she cannot get
into class without a signature, let her solve the
problem on her own. There's a good chance that this
will be the last time she delays asking her parent for
a signature until the morning. This delaying tactic is
one which serves her personal interests only. It could
well be that she planned it on purpose so that her
mother won't have time to inquire and find out what
really happened.
On the other hand, the parent doesn't have to become
hysterical and blame the child. On the contrary, the
more the answer is given in a relaxed tone and with
respect the child, the more effective it will be. "I
understand that the neighbor needs help, and that there
is chessed involved, but as long as you didn't
receive Ima's permission, and you didn't check if she
is relying on you to stay home to babysit, then it may
turn out to be a mitzva stemming from an
aveira."
In general, it is important to teach children that
decisions should not be made on the spur of the moment
but after proper consideration. When a parent says, "I
hear you, but I have to think about it," he is teaching
his child not to be hasty and not to answer hurriedly
under pressure. Very often, we as adults get requests
from our peers, for instance, someone tries to smooth-
talk us into signing an agreement which will help us or
make life easier for us, so to speak, and after reading
the small print, we realize that it is best to act with
caution and not in haste. A quick reply is not always
well thought out, and it is impossible to check out all
the information when we are in a rush. This is
unfortunate. Unless the situation definitely calls for
a quick response, then if possible, it is usually
better to delay.
"Give me a day to think about it."
"First I want to discuss it with your friend's mother."
Sometimes a group of children maneuvers an adult in
order to get what it wants. Some adults, feeling very
much in the minority, give in against their better
judgment so as not to feel left out. Of course, every
request should be examined on its own merits, as it is
important to hear the children out and to sense what
they are after. But once an adult has checked things
out and has made up his mind, he should stick to his
decision without worrying about their manipulation.
When parents don't agree
It is important to remember that when parents are not
in accord with each other, the children will probably
use that to their advantage. This doesn't mean that
parents have to agree on every issue -- except for
basic, essential areas such as halocha, for
instance. In every family there are differences which
are completely normal. For example: Ima pays more
attention to cleanliness than Abba. Abba likes to go
out and eat and Ima prefers to stay home, and so on.
Even when children are aware of these differences, they
will appreciate the fact that their parents respect
each other's differences.
"Although it doesn't really bother me if you go to bed
without showering, it's important to Ima, so please
make an effort to do so, even though you're tired."
"If Abba wants to go, I'll also make an effort to come
along, though you know I prefer staying home."
Don't forget to encourage and praise the child when he
asks at the right time under the correct circumstances:
"It's good you're telling me this now and not at the
last moment. This way I'll have time to talk it over
with Abba in the evening."
"It was smart of you to tell your friend that you'll
give her an answer tomorrow."
REMEMBER: Manipulative behavior is normal, and is found
in the best of families. We shouldn't be hasty to blame
the child for being sneaky and deceitful -- but we must
see to it that we don't give him a chance to be
manipulative by exposing him to our weak points. One of
those weak points could be laziness. It's much
easier to say `yes' to a child while he is using
all the arguments possible to convince us. Sometimes a
parent knows he is making a mistake by allowing the
child to do what he wants, but he agrees for
convenience's sake. However, if he thinks that in this
way he got rid of the little nudnik, he is sorely
mistaken. The child receives encouragement from his
victory, and will continue with manipulative behavior
in the future as well. If the child's experience
teaches him that this conduct is worthwhile, who are we
to complain afterwards?
Manipulative behavior tests our limits. When parents
are steadfast in their opinion and do not give in to
their children's manipulative tactics, the children
know that they can't "get away with it," and stop using
these means. In their hearts they appreciate the
parents' steadfastness and it increases their trust.
