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Finding the Good in Your Child -
How to Help Your Child Build a Strong Self Concept
by Masha Wolf, Child Therapist and Consultant
Part II
In the first part, we discussed "finding islands of
competence and success in children." We stressed the
importance of labeled praise -- making praise specific. We
carry on with
Personalized Positive Reinforcement or Valued Good
Deeds
Positive reinforcement can become even more meaningful to
children if it is accompanied by personal words of
encouragement or value from their parents. These praises
show children how much their deeds are personally valued by
their parents. Some examples of praise which shows children
that their deeds are valued are:
Wow/ super/ well done/ great/ outstanding/ excellent/ I knew
you could do it/ I'm proud of you/ fantastic/ beautiful/
you've got it/ hooray for you/ good job/ incredible/ you're
spectacular/ terrific/ you learned it right/ you're growing
up/ you tried hard/ I can really count on you/ You're giving
me nachas/ that makes me so happy/ you made my day/ I
love you/ what a good feeling you gave me/ that means so
much to me/ Kol hakavod/ what a treasure you are/ I
like it when.../ you sure are big when.../ you did that all
by yourself/ you're so grown up/ I enjoy it when...
Using this kind of reinforcement gives a child the feeling
that he is pleasing his parent. The more the child feels he
is pleasing his parent, the more likely he is to repeat his
positive act and feel successful. The more the child feels
successful and approved of by his parents, the more likely
that the parent-child relationship will improve.
Labeling Positive Character Traits
One of the highest levels of praise that can be used is
personal labels. When a parent or anyone else labels a child
positively and the child believes the label to be true, the
child's self concept is heightened to a very large extent
and the label becomes part of how the child perceives
himself. For example, if a child continually remembers to
come home on time and do schoolwork as expected and take
care of other responsibilities as required, he may be told
by his parent that he is a responsible child. This label may
then become part of how the child sees himself on a deep
level. Conversely, negative labels can be just as deep and
very painful. Parents can help build a child's self concept
and encourage more positive behaviors by using positive
labels.
[Many gedolim made it a point never to label a child
as `bad', only a particular act. And they stressed the fact
that "ess passt nisht" -- this misdeed does not befit
such a good boy as you!]
Labels can also be used to help turn around negative
behaviors. A child who thinks about others can be told she
is considerate, sensitive, thoughtful or kind. These labels
go beyond simple praise in their ability to build a child's
self image. A child who does an act of chessed can be
praised as a baalas chessed. If a child is weak in a
certain trait, the parent may want to catch him succeeding
in that area. For instance, a girl who has great difficulty
with organization has just cleaned out her school bag and
organized it well. The parent can begin by telling the child
that she really got well organized: This bag is so neat! The
parent cannot yet say that the child herself is an organized
person but the child can be encouraged for having made
progress towards organization and this can give her hope
that the goal is not completely beyond her grasp. In time,
the child may become a more neat and organized person, or at
least, see herself capable of being somewhat organized when
necessary. The goal has been reduced to a single act that
can be repeated -- it is within her scope.
The same idea can be used for a child who is dishonest. When
he tells the truth, he can be encouraged to be honest or
straight. His parent may say: "It was very honest of you to
return the money/toy you found." With time and
encouragement, he may become honest and can be encouraged
for this character trait in the following way: "You told the
truth even though it's hard for you. You are a very honest
boy!" A list of positive character traits is provided below.
This list can be used to positively label and praise
children.
Assertive, accepts criticism, accepts praise, artistic,
appreciative, alert, aware, active, applies self, brave,
bright, calm, creative, careful, capable, caring, charming,
cheerful, confident, considerate, determined, dependable,
dramatic, diligent, disciplined, doesn't give up, easy
going, encouraging, empathetic, flexible, forgiving,
friendly, fearless, funny, generous, gentle, G-d-fearing,
good hearted, good willed, grateful, good sense of humor,
handy, happy, hardworking. Helpful, honest, insightful,
imaginative, joyful, kind, loving, lively, mature, modest,
neat, noncompetetive, negotiator, observant, organized,
patient, polite, popular, positive, problem solver,
peacemaker, quick thinker, relaxed, respectful, reliable,
self controlled, sensitive, straight, sympathetic, self
confident, sweet, smart, thoughtful, talented,
understanding, warm, well behaved, well educated.
Parents sometimes find it difficult to think of and
positively reinforce their children for their skills,
positive acts and positive character traits. The lists
provided are intended to help parents become more aware of
their children's positive qualities and deeds and to
encourage them. The more encouragement children get, the
stronger their self esteem will be and the more their
positive character traits and talents will shine forth and
become evident in their behavior.
Masha Wolf is a child therapist who provides educational
guidance to parents and play therapy to children. Call: 02-
656-2172.
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