The following is a talk given by Batya Feigenbaum, a
paraplegic, at a dinner for a women's group in her home town
of Toronto. She speaks for herself:
I REALLY APPRECIATE your inviting me here today, and I am
honored that you think I might have something to offer you.
I understand that the topic I was asked to discuss is
dealing with adversity, and I assume that I was invited here
because I am a paraplegic. But I have no problem dealing
with my adversity of being handicapped. It's dealing with my
parents that's my real difficulty these days, but since
that's probably true for all teenagers, let me share with
you some of the unique aspects of life as a handicapped
youth.
Ever since I was in the fourth grade, I have been going to
Camp Sternberg, a religious girl's camp in the Catskills. I
was always in the regular bunks, except that when I was
younger, I had my own private counselor. Two years ago, I
went to their Pioneers Program, an intensive outdoors
program with hikes and overnights and a canoe trip down the
Delaware River. Before camp started, I knew there were going
to be a lot of things that I would not be able to do -- but
I decided to go anyways.
About halfway into the summer, we went on a trip to a place
called Ring Homestead. It's an obstacle course with
different difficult stunts to try and overcome. I was given
the choice of either going along and watching everyone else,
or remaining back in camp. If you ask any of my friends if I
had a good time, they would tell you that I had a blast. But
the truth is -- I didn't.
It was a sweltering hot day and I basically sat in my
wheelchair the whole time and watched everyone else have
fun. I laughed and joked, and encouraged and teased
everyone, and pretended I was having the time of my life.
But sitting around on a hot day in a hot wheelchair,
watching the world go by is not exactly my idea of a good
time. I could have just as easily not gone along, or been
very grumpy, but I didn't. Before I explain why I reacted to
this situation the way I did, let me first give you a little
background history.
I was born in Eretz Yisroel in 1985. My mother had a C-
section and when the doctors pulled me out -- I had a spinal
cord injury. I was a quadriplegic at birth, but I am now a
paraplegic. In the summer of 1987, we moved to Toronto to
get a special brace for me. I was enrolled in "Play and
Learn" - a non-Jewish nursery that integrated handicapped
children with non-handicapped children. Strange enough, my
first recollection of adversity was not even related to my
handicap. My school made a Halloween party, and of course, I
was not allowed to go. It was then that I started to realize
that I must be proud of who I am and what I stand for, no
matter what anyone else may think.
As I got older, my differences became more obvious and there
were many obstacles in the way. But I quickly learned how to
use these difficulties to an advantage -- like the fact that
I never got a detention for being late!
The turning point in my life was going to a sleep-away camp.
I went all by myself with no friends. Back in Toronto,
although I felt different, I didn't feel s-o-o-o different
because I grew up with these girls and have known them all
my life. But in camp, no one knew me and I was terribly self
conscious.
What does one do in such a situation?
There is a verse in Mishlei that teaches, "Just like water
reflects a face, so does one heart reflect the heart of
another." This means that just like when you look at
yourself in the water, your reflection looks back at you, so
will people relate to you as you relate to them. Simply put,
Shlomo Hamelech is telling us that if you want people to
like you -- be happy! No one likes unhappy people. So you
face adversity -- who cares? Face the facts -- unless you
are standing before an audience like this, no one is really
interested in your problems!
And that is why I acted the way I did at camp. I realized
that these are all really nice girls, but they are
interested in having a good time. If I would have stayed
behind and not gone to Ring Homestead, I think people would
have understood, but I would have ended up losing my
popularity. So I went and let everyone think I was having a
great time because I didn't have much of a choice, that was
way I looked at things, and that was what was expected of
me.
I am sure that everyone in this room faces some kind of
adversity and has problems. And to each person, their
problem is a big problem -- because it's THEIRS. But if you
want people to want to be with you and enjoy your company,
then smile and forget YOUR troubles and enjoy other people's
good times.
Let me point out here that I am not saying that one should
never get angry, cranky or upset. We all do, myself
included! It's a natural reaction which is understandable
and should not necessarily be repressed. A rabbi once went
to R' Moshe Feinstein with a complaint about his wife. He
had just been diagnosed with cancer and his wife was
complaining bitterly that Hashem was not being fair. The
rabbi could not stand listening to his wife's bitterness and
wanted to know what to do. R' Moshe told him that when
Aharon Hakohen's sons died, the Torah tells us that he was
silent. Chazal tell us that he got a special reward for his
silence. "If it was normal for people to be quiet in the
face of tragedies, then Aharon would not have deserved a
great reward, for he would have done what was expected of
everyone. But Chazal want to tell us that the Torah
understands that generally, people will react when faced
with difficulties."
We are not obligated to never ever be sad or angry. We are
human, and it's only natural. But we ARE obligated to get
over it, stop brooding about it and move on. And especially
when dealing with others, we must remember Shlomo Hamelech's
lesson: people will relate to us the way we relate to them.
And no one wants to spend time with cranky people.
But there is more to that. Sefer Hachinuch teaches
that "Your heart follows your actions." Not only will people
react to you differently if you act happy, but you will
actually begin to relate to YOURSELF differently. When I
made myself ACT happy even when times were tough, I ended up
actually being happy. And this builds on itself. As you take
a positive approach to life, you build your self confidence
and self esteem. This, in turn, gives you the ability to act
with more self confidence and self esteem, thus creating a
positive revolving cycle. And it all starts with how you
act, which will affect how you feel. This is true for anyone
in any situation. If you act happy, even if you are only
faking it to begin with, you will end up being happy. This
may sound simplistic and you may have a hard time accepting
this conceptually, but just try it. See how it works!
As a matter of fact, I just proved this to myself tonight! I
was really nervous about coming to speak before all you
women. Believe me, I was NOT happy about it. But having
spent the evening pretending to be happy, I have ended up
having had a wonderful time.
I hope you all did, too. Thank you!
