Conversion to Judaism is not just a ceremony and it does not
really take place on a specific day or in one place. For the
true convert, the beis din and tevillah are
only the final seal of approval; they are the culmination of
a much longer process that involves much more.
Before this final stage, people learn how to be Jewish and
what Yiddishkeit is all about from contact with
individuals and communities. They learn how Torah is lived
from those who live it. This is a teaching process that
involves the whole community of which the ger will
eventually become part. It goes on before, during, and after
the formal steps of giyur, which should really be
understood as only the beginning.
"Ahavas hager" doesn't mean giving these people a
bear hug or telling them how terrific they are. It means
facilitating integration and being sensitive to the awkward
points involved. The ger is in need of extra support
because he or she does not have the background and the
backing that most born Jews do. We are commanded to protect
the ger, the almonoh, and the yosome
because their lack of support makes them vulnerable.
Words cannot express how much I have been buoyed up,
encouraged, and pushed forward spiritually by the smallest
and most subtle of gestures, words, and actions, from people
"big" and "small" within the religious community. Such
things more than make up for the smaller hurts, the bigger
sacrifices, and the inevitable "losses" that the change in
status entails.
For example, I once wrote a shaila to a very
respected rov on a subject concerning my relationship to my
non-Jewish family. The friend who passed my letter on to him
told me, "You'll get an answer, but you should know that
you'll have to call and call to get in touch with him,
because he's very busy, and it's hard to catch him at
home."
Imagine my shock when the rav called me after a very
short time, and apologized for having "made me wait." In
addition to this, he answered my question in detail with a
great deal of sensitivity, even the points I had not made
clear in my letter!
More than giving me advice and an answer, the yachas
and quality of his response showed me more than any
polemical essay what a godol is, and what a real
talmid chochom has that is so precious. One develops
the capacity for emunas chachomim not by being
scolded into it, but by contacts like these in which the
trust one bestows is vindicated and not betrayed.
On the topic of sensitivity towards geirim, I attend
a regular shiur in which, one week, the topic was the
foreign wives of Shlomo Hamelech. "How was it possible,"
asked one of the women in the group, "that someone on the
level of Shlomo Hamelech could have done such a thing as to
marry converts? Isn't it obvious that a giyores is
only going to bring in bad practices?"
Before I even had time to internalize this, let alone take
it personally, the Rabbanit not only responded to the
specific textual question, but also made it very clear that
this ought not be taken as an accusation against geirim
in general. "It's important to remember that there are
many sincere converts who have a positive effect on the
families they marry into, and some who have brought their
spouses and whole families back to Torah and mitzvos," she
added decisively.
Now, I know that the Rabbanit is very well aware of my
background, just as I know that several of the women in the
shiur have no idea. (The questioner would certainly
not have phrased her comment like that had she known.) I've
also seen enough evidence of the Rabbanit's tact and
consideration to suspect that part of her response was in
order that I not be offended -- not that anyone else
noticed, not that any attention was drawn to me whatsoever.
Her response was a masterpiece of subtlety and tact. Again,
over and above the specific matter, there was a subtext:
"This is how a Torah personality treats others; this is how
the talmidei Aharon behave."
Moreover, in both of these examples, it was clear that there
was more than simple kindness involved. I know that for both
of these individuals, the primary motivation is doing
Hashem's will. That involves more than being "nice," it
means acting a certain way even when no one else sees you
doing so, even when the object of your chesed is not
someone you know personally, even when he is in no position
to "return the favor."
Really, we are, all of us, potential teachers and role
models of acting lifnim mishuras hadin in our
relations with our fellow man.
