Part II
In the previous article, we discussed creating an
environment for success.
DEALING WITH DIFFERENT TYPES OF NEGATIVE ATTENTION GETTING
BEHAVIORS
There are several types of negative behaviors. Some
behaviors are meant to get parental attention as well as
obtaining a goal. Some examples of goal oriented behaviors
are whining, pouting, arguing when the parent has said `No
tantrums' and speaking rudely. Some of these behaviors can
occur when a child does not get his way. In that case, the
child is using the behavior as a manipulation, as well as a
form of attention getting. If a parent has investigated and
found that these behaviors are occuring frequently when a
child does not get his way, the parent may want to try to
reduce the attention he gives the child for these behaviors.
As mentioned before, it is important to determine if these
behaviors are being triggered by a family dynamic or some
difficulty the child is experiencing in his life.
A parent can choose to deal with these behaviors in several
ways. If a child is whining and demanding something in an
inappropriate tone, the parent can simply inform the child
that his parents do not hear him when he does not ask
nicely. If the child continues to demand, the parent should
simply ignore the child and focus attention elsewhere. It is
wise for a parent to convey to the child that it is so much
easier to hear him and give him what he wants when he asks
nicely. This helps get him out of the negative mode and
projects positivity. When the child does ask nicely, it is
important for the parent to react positively both by
attempting to give the child what he is asking for if it is
reasonable and by using enthusiastic words and tone of
voice.
The parent may choose to say something like, "I really like
it when you ask nicely," and even give the child a hug. This
teaches the child that it is worthwhile to speak properly
and it does not pay to be rude. The more the child is
encouraged towards proper speech and ignored for
inappropriate speech, the more likely he will improve.
Chutzpa or rudeness towards parents could be dealt with as
the above example. Alternatively, parents may feel that
chutzpa is more serious and they may choose to take a firmer
approach. If a child is demanding things from a parent by
screaming and calling the parent names, the parent may
decide to ignore the child for a set period of time when
this behavior occurs. (This form of ignoring is very strong
and should only be used if the behavior becomes severe.
Furthermore, the ignoring should be balanced with an
increase in positive attention or time with the child.)
The parent begins by speaking to the child during a calm
time and informing him that if he speaks rudely to his
parents, he will be ignored for a certain amount of time
(usually 10-15 minutes for a child over eight. A younger
child may stop the behavior immediately if he sees he is
being ignored). When the parent ignores the child, he is
sending him a very strong message. "This behavior is
unacceptable and will not be tolerated!" Some parents may
choose to send children to their rooms or remove a privilege
in addition to using ignoring. When the time for ignoring is
finished, it is important for parents to make efforts to
speak to hte child and recreate a positive environment to
help the child recover from the negative experience. The
child and the parent are then free to start a clean slate
and forget the past. If a child is resorting to extreme
forms of negative behaviors, these may be symptoms of a
larger problem. At this point, it may be important for
parents to evaluate whether the child is getting enough
positive attention.
Parents often fall into the trap of giving into children
when they cry, argue or have a tantrum. Children may want
anything from an ice cream to another story to a later
bedtime. Some children are very proficient at using crying
and tantrums to get what they want. They have learned
through experience that if they just cry a little longer or
argue a little louder, eventually they will get what they
want. If the child gets his way even some of the time, he
has still learned that crying, yelling and arguing are
effective ways to get what he wants. The child will then
gamble and try these behaviors because he does occasionally
win. If, on the other hand, he is taught that negative
behaviors will not get him what he wants, he will eventually
stop using them so frequently. A parent who wants to
extinguish manipulative behaviors needs to learn to ignore
them consistently. Each time the parent gives in, the
child learns his negative behavior may be worth the gamble.
When the parent consistently ignores the yelling, screaming
and temper tantrums and does not give in to the child's
demands, the child will try something else or give up most
of the time. The parent may tell the child that when he
cries, argues or yells excessively, he will be ignored.
If the parent finds it difficult to ignore the child, she
may find it necessary to leave the room and maybe even lock
herself in the bed/bathroom. This gives her a chance to calm
down and take a few deep breaths. If the child is trying to
get something which the parent does not feel is in the
child's best interest, it is especially important for the
parent to hold firm and not give in to the manipulation. It
is important for parents to distinguish between a child who
is being manipulative and a child who is upset for a
legitimate reason and may need attention and empathy.
a child may have a tantrum because someone took something of
his that was very precious. In this case, it would be
helpful for the parent to empathize with the child's
feelings and then it may be helpful to suggest that he go to
his room to calm down if the tantrum continues. In this
case, the room is not used as a punishment but as an aid to
relaxation.
If the child is having a tantrum because he did not get the
treat he wanted, it is best for the parents to practice
ignoring until the child calms down. Parents can use
ignoring to extinguish a wide variety of attention-getting
behaviors. The principles of ignoring negative behavior
remain the same for most behaviors. If a parent determines
that a child is trying to get negative attention, the parent
should learn to pay less attention to the negative behavior
and instead, find something positive the child is doing or
has done to attend to.
The list of behaviors that children use to get attention is
endless and unique to the parent and child. Children usually
know what bothers their parents and use the information to
their advantage. Some examples of negative attention getting
behaviors may include making loud noises, making faces,
touching things that should not be touched, saying things
that are not allowed, playing with food, interrupting,
playing wildly in the house, teasing siblings, destroying
property. A wise parent can try to change their interaction
with the child by ignoring the negative and teaching the
child more positive forms of behavior. Occasionally, the
behavior is serious enough that the parent may need to stop
the child's action, but this can be done by simply stopping
the child physically and not reacting to or speaking with
the child for the set amount of time. When the parent helps
the child stay in a more positive mode of interaction, the
child is more likely to succeed in behaving positively.
When parents make the decision to use ignoring for their
children's negative behaviors, it is important to start with
only one behavior at a time. Ignoring should be used
sparingly. It is most effective to begin with one behavior
and continue to use the technique consistently. Using this
technique for too many behaviors at one time will be overly
punitive as well as ineffective.
THE IMPORTANCE OF LIMITS
Children need to hear `no' and need to have limits. A child
who whines and cries and then consistently gets his way may
become quite spoiled as well as insecure. Children need to
know that their parents are in control and that sometimes,
the answer is `no'. This teaches children self-control and
consideration for others. When a child sees that his parents
are able to give him limits, he feels secure that his life
is under control and he won't be allowed to run wild.
Conversely, a child whose parents are unable to control him
feels scared of his own power. He may wonder who will keep
him safe if his own parents can't control him. He will often
feel guilty about his misbehavior and view himself as a "bad
kid". Parents who are able to ignore negative behaviors and
manipulation and attend to positive behaviors will usually
see an increase in good healthy behaviors and an improvement
in their relationship with their children.
Masha Wolf is available for consultation and child play
therapy. Call evenings: 02-656-2172.
