Masha Wolf, our child therapist and consultant, began
answering this question last week. Here is Part II
Q. I am exhausted and stressed out most of the time, dealing
with a large active family. How can I cope better and make
my home more stress-free?
[She discussed reducing stress by Slowing Down, Getting
Enough Rest, Relaxing (not the same), Consulting with
Others; Eating Well.]
GIVE YOURSELF A PAT ON THE BACK
Stress is often compounded by negative self talk. When a
mother is tired and stressed, negativity often breeds more
negativity. A mother may become discouraged and berate
herself for all the times during the day she `failed' and
yelled at her children or for the times she didn't
accomplish what she felt she should have. If a woman can
consciously focus on her successes throughout the day and
encourage herself, she will feel better and most likely be
more successful throughout the rest of the day. Focusing on
success gives a woman a sense of accomplishment and refuels
her energy banks. It is important to remember that human
beings are not expected to be perfect and if a woman is
making efforts to create a stress-free, pleasant home for
her children, she is praiseworthy. She is doing her part and
she can pray for heavenly aid for the rest.
LEARN ANGER CONTROL
It is especially hard to work on anger control when one is
exhausted but it is at just such a time when tools for self
control become most necessary. There are several techniques
that can help a parent gain back control when they feel they
are losing it:
Deep Breathing
When a very stressful event has occured, a few deep
cleansing breaths can really help to restore equilibrium. At
this time, a parent can take a few moments to think of an
appropriate response to the event that triggered her stress.
It is helpful to keep breathing deeply until one feels more
relaxed. This can even be for several minutes. Some people
use deep breathing constantly throughout the day during
times of stress. It is important to breathe deeply from the
diaphragm. Wtih each inhalation, the stomach fills with air
and expands. This can be felt by putting one hand on the
stomach. With each exhalation, the stomach deflates. Paying
attention to proper breathing helps keep the focus on
relaxation and away from stress.
The Broken Record Technique
When children become excessively demanding or challenging
and the parent has decided that a firm `no' is in order, it
helps to calmly and firmly but emphatically repeat the same
answer without explanations or further argument (provided
that an explanation has already been given when necessary).
This response is similar to a broken record. This can help
parents who feel explosive to stay focused and in control.
Imagine a child is asking for a certain toy which is too
expensive and undeserved at the time. After explaining to
the child why he cannot have what he wants, he continues to
argue.
CHILD: Everyone in my class has it. It's not fair.
PARENT: I know you really want it but I'm sorry, we can't
get it for you right now.
CHILD: But Yanky just got a new xxxx. It's not fair.
PARENT: I know you really want it but I'm sorry, we can't
get it for you right now.
CHILD: You don't love me or you would get it for me.
PARENT: I know you really want it but I'm sorry, we can't
get it for you right now.
This technique can be extremely annoying to a child but when
he sees the parent is not giving in or becoming involved in
a confrontation, he will often give up. This technique
should only be used when a parent feels close to exploding
or giving in to something that would be detrimental to the
child's education. When this is not the case, the parent can
show more empathy for the child's desire instead of giving
him a robot- like response.
Higher-Lower Technique
Another technique which can be extremely effective in
confrontation situations is the higher-lower technique. This
technique is very helpful when a person is confronted with
someone else's anger. The person who is being yelled at
adjusts his tone according to the other person's anger. The
higher the other person's tone gets, the lower the other
person brings his own tone. This works as a reminder to keep
one's own tone in control and occasionally, it has a calming
effect on the other person (but don't count on it). Using
this technique can help a parent keep control and provides a
good model to children for self control.
Negotiate
Remember that just because you are tired and want your child
to do something, does not mean he wants to do it. Children
have minds and needs and desires of their own which should
be understood and respected. If a parent can try to keep the
child's feelings and needs in mind even during stressful
times, parenting will be more successful. If a child wants
something and a parent wants something else, a child can be
taught to take responsibility by giving the parent a
realistic solution to the conflict.
For example, a parent wants an older child to baby-sit one
afternoon but the child wants to play with her friends. She
may be asked for a solution that will satisfy both her
mother and herself. She may propose to play for two hours
and her mother will listen to her idea and tell her she
would like to see her in an hour and a half. The parent can
explain that she really wanted to have her earlier but she
is willing to let her stay for that hour and a half.
This models compromise and flexibility and shows the child
that her needs are being considered and a compromise is
reached. The chances for a confrontation will be reduced and
the child learns responsibility at the same time.
Below are a few ideas that helped some mothers stop their
chronic yelling:
"When I'm about to yell, I remember that I can't take back
what I say and often what I'm about to say in anger is very
hurtful and sarcastic."
"I recorded myself and was frightened at the sound of my
voice."
"I noticed how scared my two-year-old looked when I yelled
at him."
"I imagined how I felt when my parents yelled at me."
"I stopped yelling when I realized my child was becoming a
yeller and was learning it from me."
"A close friend told me she feared my intense yelling might
damage my children and then my son began developing
behavioral problems. That really woke me up."
Learning techniques for anger control can be very helpful
when a parent feels stressed or on the verge of explosion.
Utilizing negotiation skills with children and remembering
their feelings and needs can help to avoid conflict and
confrontation during times of stress.
