Writer, Parenting Expert
Why Children ask Questions and How to Relate to
Them
"How many questions these darling children ask," exclaimed
one mother with a sigh. "And the more I answer their
questions, the more they ask! It's very exhausting. It
demands my powers of concentration and patience to keep up
with them."
So true. Clever children, children who think, love to ask
questions. Why do they ask so much? Some children truly wish
to know, to understand. They seek answers to the questions
that preoccupy their minds. Others, perhaps, originally
sought answers but presently, aim to annoy. Why? And how
must we relate to these nudniks?
Acknowledging the Importance of Questions
A child who seeks answers to things he wonders about is a
child who deserves answers. Such replies must never be
arbitrary, like, "...because, and that's it." Or "I told you
why yesterday," or "Leave me alone and go ask Abba." Answers
must relate to the question; they must be relevant, but even
more important, they must stem from a recognition of the
importance of the questions and from an awareness of their
content.
Sometimes a child asks a simple question like, "How did
these cookies get to the store?" What really lies behind it
and interests him is why the neighbor across the hall is
always baking cookies while his mother never does. Only
through patience, full attentive listening and a mature show
of interest to a child's question can we understand what was
bothering him and how to satisfy him through our proper
reactions.
Parents' Answers Reassure the Child
A child who knows that he can get answers to questions that
disturb him will be a more relaxed and confident child, less
tense. This refers to small children of two and three who
never stop asking why, why, why, as well as to teenagers who
are apt to ask deeply philosophical questions relating to
the soul and purpose of man etc. If the replies are mere
brush-offs of several hasty words, totally irrelevant to the
actual question, that stifle and silence him, children will
simply infer that they needn't bother to ask in the future.
There is no one to ask and no purpose in asking.
A child who really wants an answer to his question but has
no source from which to glean the information, will be
restless and may seek his answer from negative sources, such
as secular books, which is all the more the pity.
Answers at the Proper Time
Children's questions are a blessing, on condition that a
parent knows how to relegate his answers to the proper time
and setting.
Even a small child must know that there are times when Ima
is too busy, perhaps with another child, perhaps with Abba
or with herself. There are legitimate matters that supercede
answering questions. The trick is to let the child know that
this is not the proper time -- but that you do intend to
relate to his question in the near future. Perhaps, you can
specify when and charge him to remind you, showing that you
want to answer it with aforethought.
"That is an excellent question, Yitzy," Ima can encourage
him. "When I get up from my nap, we can discuss it." Or "I'm
busy with the baby right now but as soon as I'm finished,
we'll talk about it. Don't forget to remind me." Or "That's
a very good question and I want to think about it before
giving you an answer."
When a child understands that his question does not
supercede certain priorities but that it does have its
proper place, he will learn to save questions for the right
opportunities.
Attention Getting
Some children ask questions just to get attention; they do
not even care about a relevant reply. How can we learn to
differentiate between the real thing and these attention-
getters?
By a simple test: if the child listens to the answer from
beginning to end and asks additional questions for
clarification, it shows he is thinking and really wants to
know. A nudnik will interrupt with continual "why"s
and his facial expression will reveal that he is not really
listening, just pouting. He will fire his questions without
waiting for answers and we will feel irritated by the way he
asks.
Let us not make the mistake of ignoring the child who nags.
He deserves answers too, but he must learn the propriety of
time and setting, and our attitude must remain patient and
interested.
Tips
Every child has questions buried in his belly. In order to
make him open up and ask those questions, which is very
important for his development, we must learn to guide him
with the right questions, as well. Not simply interrogative
questions but questions that guide, open and develop his
thinking patterns. For example: "You said that the
gannenet has several kinds of glue in class. Why do
you think she needs these?" Or "If we have dampness in the
house, why do you think they are working up on the roof?"
Children love to think and to answer. In a frequent give-and-
take, they will learn not to be embarrassed when they don't
know everything and will not be afraid to ask their
questions.
Play a game with your children: Why -- Because. Take turns
asking questions and whoever comes up with a legitimate
answer gets a point. Children can answer their own
questions, too. Your bonus is that the child will develop
his intellectual powers and will learn how to think -- and
answer his own questions even without you. He will develop
his own imagination.
Don't be afraid to admit that you don't know an answer. This
is legitimate. Use this guardedly, however, and not as a pat
reply. But, on the other hand, show respect for the question
and make an effort to supply the answer, if possible, by
asking an expert or researching it.
