The Shaefers live in the central area of the country. They
have ten children; the head of the family is in kollel, the
mother teaches. Needless to say, they barely make it to the
end of the month.
When their oldest daughter reached marriageable age, the
parents released all of their savings and even went into debt
in order to provide her with a talmid chochom for a
husband. A secondary consideration was that a son-in-law of
that caliber would add status to the family name. And so it
was.
The second child was a son and the marriage expenses for him
were only a fraction of what it cost them to marry off their
daughter. Still, $25,000 is not a negligible sum for a family
like theirs.
The same sum repeated itself for the third, a boy, and by now,
the debts were puffing up and causing the father's blood
pressure to rise. By now, he was a grandfather as well. When
the matter became one of pressing concern, the three married
children held a caucus and decided that they had to help their
father in some substantial way. The question, of course, was
how. They were in kollel themselves, with growing families.
Wherever would they get the money to help their father?
The oldest sister suggested, "What about maaser
money?"
They went to seek the advice of a rov, who clarified for them
that in this case it was clearly preferrable to mobilize their
maaser money to help their father. And so, they began
to save. They set aside three hundred, five hundred shekel per
month from their maaser money, without saying a word to
their father.
*
Two and a half years later, it was the fourth child's turn to
get engaged. The father, sunken deep in debt, informed the
shadchon who came with a very likely match that he did
not have a shekel to offer his son. Naturally, this angered
the other side. "Let him give something! At least
$10,000! What kind of business is it to marry off a child
without any participation whatsoever?"
And they broke off the match.
The mother turned to the married children and they pressed
their father to come up with something. He showed them the
state of his debit finances and said, "I am under tremendous
pressure as it is. I simply cannot produce any money, nor am I
willing to go into further debt."
The children examined the state of their savings and saw that
they were able to offer their father $10,000. They assumed a
debt of another five thousand dollars and convinced the father
to borrow the same amount, as well, and the match was able to
go through.
I heard this story directly from the son who was married off
in this manner. He specifically begged me to write it up in my
weekly column, "In the Looking Glass." Since then, he tells
me, eight of the children are now married, thanks to the
combined efforts of those previously married. The joint
maaser account now boasts a sum of $25,000 for the
daughter next in line. According to their calculations, by the
time she is eighteen, this sum will have doubled!
*
No one has yet looked into the phenomenon which causes people
to help everyone in the world -- and forget about their own
family, to be the good guy, the pleasant fellow, outside,
among one's social milieu, and be sour and dour at home; to go
out of one's way for other people's children -- at the expense
of one's own. To lend a helping hand when friends are moving
away -- and to be too lazy to pass the salt at the table.
This, of course, includes those who donate money for the whole
world, and neglect their own family, immediate family
included! How is it that people forget the halocha of
"one who is very near comes first?" And certainly, parents
should come before anyone else!
All things aside, such a person is liable to suffer from the
resentment and anger of his relatives, especially if they see
him seated at a dinner for a cause to which he has donated
thousands of dollars, while he did not even give them and
their pressing needs a second thought. It hurts.
When a person has means and does not share with his relatives,
it says something about the motives of his charity giving
(even though charity given under any circumstances is still
considered charity).
*
It is strange that one must word this phenomenon in such a
manner: if a person wishes to examine his character to see
whether he is genuinely generous or stingy, if he is a baal
tzedoka or merely one who pursues honor -- let him look at
his close family and friends. Is he concerned about them? Are
they able to turn to him for help? This does not mean that
they should live at his expense, but it certainly includes his
being sensitive to their needs. That he should care and be
accessible to them, for in the end, what is a person left with
if not his family?
A believing Jew sees the goal of his life as "providing
nachas ruach to his Father in Heaven." But surely, he
is also obligated to provide satisfaction to his father on
earth. After marriage, this feeling is intensified and there
is a strong desire to pay one's parents in kind for all the
good they have done for him over the years.
The very fact that children mobilize themselves to help out
their parents, who are usually steeped in debts and worries,
provides a moral and economic backbone for parents. It is
surely commendable for families to establish family
gemachs, even if parents have already married off all
of their children, or have the means to do so. A family
gemach can offer help to outsiders if the money is not
being used for its own members at a given period. Such an
account can be handled by certain members of the family and be
accessible (by right of signature) to all. Within a year,
large sums can accumulate which can help the family greatly
and can thus fulfill the express halocha of giving
precedence to one's family when it comes to charity.
Charity begins in the home.
