When a baby is born, there is general rejoicing and
celebration. Mother recovers, and life takes on its normal
routine. Whether it is a first baby or one of many, Baby
becomes part of the family. But he is still very vulnerable.
When Baby cries, he gets picked up, whether by an older
sibling or by his mother. When a three-year-old cries, the
family is not always impressed. "What does he want THIS
time," they might say if the child has been whining all
afternoon. The same applies to an older child.
Baby spits out his first taste of food, Mother shovels it
back in. He continues to spit and obviously does not want
what he is being given; Mother takes it away. Let a five-
year-old try those tactics and the family will not be
amused. Then Baby begins to crawl, and pulls down the
tablecloth from the table which was set for a party. An
expensive crystal wine decanter gets smashed; there are
pieces of cutlery strewn amongst the glass: chaos. And
Mother's first concern is to pick the baby off the floor so
that he shouldn't cut himself. I remember one of my children
commenting rather wryly, "You never shout at the baby."
Babies are immune to punishment during their first year.
After that, it very much depends on their cognitive
development. Likewise, they are immune to reward. However,
the applause they get when they take their first step is
reward enough. When they manage to put three blocks on top
of one another, they get more approval. Each new milestone
is hailed by parents and siblings with great approbation.
The child will repeat his feat hundreds of times till he has
perfected the technique. In the same way, if he gets
applause for turning his dinner upside down on his head, he
will do it again!
On the other hand, if he gets punished for having fun with
his food, he may do it again once or twice, but will
probably refrain after that. Of course, punishment must be
in moderation. Many parents think that a baby is not a baby
any more and can do with discipline. This is especially true
of the first child. Taking the plate away immediately, a
frown and a firm "no" is punishment enough.
At this stage of his life, he will begin to assert himself.
Not because he wants to disobey, but because that is human
nature. This is the time when parents feel that a frown has
to be reinforced with a slap; he disregards the firm "no"
and has to be removed from temptation. He does it again and
this time, he receives a slap on the hand. However, that
must be the sole extent of his punishment. Young human
beings on the whole like discipline and routine; they like
to know where they stand.
Some parents say, "I can't talk to my child in that tone of
voice." They are implying that they prefer leniency. I was
once in a house where all the seforim were pulled out
from the two lowest shelves, all over the floor. The father
said fondly, "I can't stop him. He is such a little villain,
aren't you, my darling?" This two-year-old obviously got the
message that his daily act was not a crime.
Not all parents are so easy going and life can get quite
difficult if each child is allowed to develop according to
his instincts and inclination. One cannot change the rules
when the child is nine or ten. He will not understand why a
parent suddenly becomes strict, nor is he likely to
listen.
Little children do like to cooperate. Sincere praise goes a
long way to maintain the cooperation. Small punishments are
also in order. I once knew a four-year-old girl who
regularly let go of the baby's buggy when out with her
mother and ran into the road. Neither reasoning nor slaps
nor scolding made the slightest difference. Yet the mother
couldn't just leave her at home when she went out with the
other three. Then one day when the mother was at her wit's
end, the grandmother, who was visiting, interfered.
"If you run into the street once more this week before
Shabbos, I shall bring chocolate for Shabbos for everyone
except you. You will have all the other treats, but I shall
not allow you any chocolate." Sure enough, the child ran
into the road again. The following Shabbos morning, the
children came downstairs to sample their goodies. No
chocolate for little Miss. No wails, no protests, silence.
Mother slept peacefully for a little longer. If truth be
told, a kind older sister gave her a little bit of hers. But
the message was well understood. No more running into the
road.
Punishments have to fit the crime. It is no use threatening
the child with something you know you cannot carry out. If
you know it, more than likely the child will know it too.
"We are all going to Bubbie for Shabbos and you will have to
stay at home alone," is rather a futile threat. But telling
the child that you are not going to pick up his dirty socks
any more from under his bed, and so, if he forgets to put
them in the hamper, he will have no socks to wear, is a very
suitable punishment.
The truth is, he should have been trained from an early age.
But the fact remains, he wasn't. Or perhaps he was and has
regressed. Whatever the position, if you give the children
this ultimatum, you have to be consistent. You will suffer
at least as much as the child who cannot find a clear pair
of socks. Unfortunately, most children are not forgetful on
purpose. So rather than let it come to a confrontation, just
tell the child to "please go and get all your laundry right
now. Look under the bed and behind it, too." Do not make the
mistake of asking, "Have you done..."
Similarly, small children and not-so-small children tend to
procrastinate. They wriggle around and hop from one foot to
the other, obviously desperate to use the "little room."
Punishment for accidents does not improve the situation.
They may do this for many years to come. I find that a firm
reminder to "go NOW" is more effective than "do you need..."
On the other hand, the child will in all likelihood reply,
"No, I don't need..." To some of these children, Mother will
have to say, "Then just go to please me, without needing."
The vital thing is to be consistent.
Depriving children of food which they like until after they
have eaten their meal is rather a pointless exercise. Many
children will retort that they don't need the ice cream or
apple crumble, and will not eat their meal. Punishments are
a necessary evil, but in the same way as you try to avoid a
confrontation with a baby, if possible, try to avoid it with
an older child, too.
Eating and toilet training are the two things where the
child feels he is master of the situation. He is perfectly
right. He is. Some children are born pliant and docile.
Ohers are born with a very stubborn streak. Neither
discipline nor punishment will make the child eat when he
doesn't want to. Nor will it make him "perform." He will
train himself when he is ready. Force may result in a very
constipated child!
As mentioned before, consistency is the key to success. Do
not give the promised reward if the child has not earned it.
On the other hand, it is not worth punishing a child for
giving vent to his feelings. Adults also have times when
they lose control. If the child screams, that is his
prerogative. Let him scream. But explain that you do not
have to put up with the screaming and put him in another
room. In this way, you will be in control. It is very
shortsighted to capitulate for the sake of peace and quiet
or to punish for creating a scene. This does not mean that
parents should not give a toddler the food he wants when he
asks for it. It is the older child who has been promised a
reward and does not deserve it who is under discussion.
If a child lies or steals (in the home), why leave money
lying around? It is very difficult to keep putting it away.
On the other hand, if the money is not there, he might be
less tempted. Psychiatrists claim that there is always a
reason why children lie or steal, and that one should reason
with the child and not punish him. I personally believe that
there is such a thing as a yetzer hora and that there
does not always have to be a reason. A child of four who
tells lies is not really lying. But a child of ten is. Of
course, if children see their parents bending the truth to
suit themselves, they will feel they can do the same.
However, there are many scrupulously honest parents whose
children are not so.
Rewards are better lessons than punishments, but have to be
sincere. Children see through undeserved superlatives. Some
mothers hang up charts and give stars or stickers, others
give candies. Then some give whole bars of chocolate or buy
a small toy. These parents who buy expensive gifts for small
input are heading for trouble. It is not the prize itself
which is so important, it is the achievement. It is good for
children to work towards a goal. If they get instant
gratification all the time, they will expect it throughout
their lives. This has nothing to do with parents' financial
situation. In all walks of life, there are those who give
too much, too quickly and too often.
It is well to remember that both rewards and punishments be
given in moderation.
