FROM the Editor:
We inadvertantly omitted the end of the article on "TO EACH
HIS OWN BED," so before we get to a reader's comment, here
it is:
PARENTING WITH MENUCHA
by Menucha Fuchs
When the child realizes that the parents are firm in their
stance, sure of their demands, and they know that they are
acting reasonably, he will calm down and go back to sleep in
his bed without disturbing his parents.
It is important to emphasize that treating the child firmly
means doing it pleasantly and not stubbornly: "I'll tell him
what to do! I'm going to win!" If we mistakenly exchange
pleasant firmness for control, we will be teaching him
stubbornness and dominance, and not what we wanted him to
learn, and this will lead to a power struggle.
We must be gently firm and instructive (and not stubborn and
aggressive) so that our child can learn these positive
traits.
It is difficult for a parent who is woken up in the middle
of the night to be gentle, firm and forgiving. But if he can
manage, the chances are so much greater that he will be able
to sleep peacefully on the following nights and it is well
worth it!
TIPS
* We can let the child sleep in the parent's bed for his
afternoon nap, if the parents are not resting. This way the
child will understand that we are not davka
preventing him from sleeping in our beds.
* You can explain to the child that whoever is big has his
own bed, all by himself. He will want to be big and behave
accordingly.
* Together with the child, we can help him decorate his
sleeping area according to his choice. This way he will
enjoy being there and will not want to give up on his
private corner. [We might wish to promise him a night light
against the boogies, or a reading light in the room, or a
picture, a doll, or a book he might wish to take to bed,
something to show that he is growing up.]
* Decorating the child's bed according to his taste, putting
on stickers with his name and even choosing the linen or
rearranging the furniture according to his wishes (with the
pillow on the side he chooses etc.) -- all this will help
the child enjoy his own bed.
* Build a train with chairs leading to the child's bed. Tell
him to stop the train and to get into his own "car" and
promise him that in the morning, he can come back by train
to your bed (and why not?).
and now, FROM THE READERS...
From W. L. in Bnei Brak:
I'd like to discuss the article on the bed. True, it is
important to discipline children and make them independent,
but I think allowance has to be made for individual
differences.
If parents feel they can handle a child in their bed and can
limit the stay, it is a matter of style, relationship. Kids
seek warmth, reassurance, and many a child lacks attention.
True, daytime attention might be better, sounder, more
comfortable but not every parent gives enough attention.
I feel it is important to be natural in parenting,
intuitive, and one person's limit is not the same as his
neighbor's. I believe in flexibility, love and warmth;
parents will change their rules with time. Usually, children
with sibling roommates will not need the "company" but why
make ironclad rules for parenting, IN GENERAL, when we all
have our individual needs -- that differ at times? Parents
should use their own discretion and common sense, and not
rely solely on experts and articles!
Rude Awakening
Editor comments: Neither the article itself nor the letter
writer took the child's age into consideration. What if a
one-year-old is suddenly "threatened" by a new sibling and
feels rejected? Can you argue with such a little tot?
I think the whole process should be dealt with in the
daytime, as Menucha suggests, by gradually building up a
child's independence and making him WANT to grow up to his
own bed by adding privileges that spell out maturity. The
cutoff point should be determined by the parents -- and not
too early or too drastic.
Torah Table Talk
W. M., also from Bnei Brak, addresses our series on speaking
in learning at the table.
"It is as old as the Torah [old as Pirkei Ovos!]." I
think parents can relax and play it by ear. Some families
may find that they are ready to announce: "O.K., guys, you
can resume the pilpul after the meal. Let's keep the
conversation at a general level."
For many, the natural flow of words is best. Some Torah from
the men, some playing, some KinderTorah etc.
Just like I wouldn't force children to relate heavy
divrei Torah and be quizzed publicly if they are not
good "performers," and scold if they resist, I also would
not clamp silence on the meal. Shabbos mealtime should be
pleasant and not strained, and a parent can be trusted to
maintain the right atmosphere for all concerned. Words of
Torah are precious words in the world. The excitement and
interest of the children is ignited when they see Torah in
action at the table. But you can't order it; you can't
demand it, you want it to be spontaneous. But why would you
think of shushing it? I am speaking about a meal lasting 1
1/2 hours, not a 4 hour meal of pure Divrei Torah.
and ONE EITZA, just for the record:
A summer favorite, a treat far more satisfying, cooling and
nourishing than icicles, and a keep busy project for half an
hour:
INGREDIENTS:
one block package of ice cream, dairy or parve
one package of rectangular biscuits
Let the children: cut through the cardboard to expose the
entire block of ice cream. Have them slice THIN slices
across the width and make ice cream sandwiches. Freeze
quickly and distribute as rewards, but not before you have
made a calculation how much, rather, how little, these
treats cost apiece!
And finally, another word from your editor, in passing:
POETIC JUSTICE
Some people may have wondered how a story by the Family
Section editor of YATED ENGLISH got into a parallel paper
(this past Pesach). Sheindel Weinbach was also surprised,
herself. I'd like to attribute it to kinas sofrim,
that they simply wanted something by her, too, and fished it
out of a thirty-year-old defunct Light Magazine, so that
they didn't really have to ask my permission.
The truth, somewhat bruising to my pride, is that maybe they
thought I was defunct, as well; they didn't realize I was
the YATED Family editor. So if you wondered -- well, so did
I...
But I usually do get my last word in, and here, too, there
was poetic justice. The story that appeared in YATED's last
week's issue on Lag B'Omer was translated from a book by
Chavi Rosenberg, a regular author for that paper, that
originally appeared there in Hebrew.
[Translated by PERMISSION of the author. So there...]
