"There is so much pressure in the adult world; let the
children grow up a little more slowly."
For centuries, the Jews have been known as an amibitious
nation. They have a drive, both for themselves and their
offspring, to shine academically. This trait is inherent in
our people, regardless of whether they keep all of the
mitzvos or not. In fact, even those Jews who have
only a very distant connection to their religion and say,
"I'm a good Jew at heart," have this passion for academic
excellence for their children ["the doctors, the lawyers"].
This craving for knowledge is a far cry from Torah study
which is done for its own sake, and where people don't vie
with each other to be `top,' although perhaps, it originated
from the same source. I once spoke to a professor who had,
unfortunately, stopped mitzva observance, although he
came from an excellent family. He told me that if there had
been exams in yeshiva and if he could have been `top of the
class,' as he put it, his ambition might have been assuaged.
He had to have competition to prove his undoubted
ability.
As a baby develops into a toddler and then into a pre-school
child, the progress is quite astounding. It is small wonder
that parents believe their child to be a genius. Especially
a first child, when they have not yet experienced the
amazing mental growth of all small children. Orthodox Jews,
in particular, cannot wait to start their baby boy on the
path to learning Torah by introducing him to the alef-
beis. This is fine, as far as it goes, so long as it
remains as much fun as learning the names of pictures. Thus,
if a two-year-old has mastered all the letters, it stands to
[their] reason that he must be a genius! They try to get him
into a cheder or school at a very early age,
regardless of the fact that he is a year younger than the
other children.
Are they doing this for the sake of the child? Is he really
going to be bored if he goes to a play group or conventional
kindergarten and then starts school at the right age? Social
development is crucial to the child's other development.
About twenty years ago, a girl of fourteen (incidentally,
Jewish) obtained an honors degree at Oxford University. She
told interviewers that she didn't have a single friend, but
there had been no choice. But this was no ordinarily clever
girl.
We are discussing above average, or even very clever
children. More often than not, the ones who are pushed are
not even as bright as their parents would like to believe.
So, once they are in a class a year above their own age and
they don't make the grade, either academically or socially,
what is to be done?
Unfortunately, parents feel it is a stigma to let children
repeat a grade. Children would take it in their stride if
parents would not feel so badly about it. The very
expression "being left back," or not being promoted to the
next grade, has negative connotations. When teachers or
parents tell the child that the teacher always needs one or
two older children to help the younger ones settle in, the
child is quite happy to oblige.
If a child is well below the standard of the class, either
due to a learning disability or because he is just not very
bright, it is doubtful whether it will be to his advantage
to let him do the year again. He will still be below average
and at a disadvantage when competing with the younger
brighter children. Unfortunately, there are many such
children who are not in any way `retarded' but who are just
not academically inclined. We do not streamline classes
nowadays, and each class consists of mixed ability children.
It is quite usual for a slower child to be given extra help
so that he may achieve his maximum potential. However, this
potential may not be that of his peers. Thus it would be
pointless to let him repeat grades in the hope that he catch
up. Let him remain with his own age group and grow up
happily at his own pace.
Many years of experience in classroom teaching have shown me
which type of child benefits from repeating a grade. A
bright six- or seven-year-old who is just not ready for the
heavier work load in school does extremely well if he is
allowed to repeat pre-1A, or its equivalent. I stress the
word `allowed.' As mentioned before, so many parents express
their opinions in front of the children. "If you don't work
harder, you will have to stay behind." Or "What a pity your
friend Yanky had to stay back."
I recently met the father of a ben Torah who learns
in a prestigious kollel, neither of whom I had seen
for many years. During the conversation, he said, "the very
best thing that ever happened to Dovid was that you kept him
back with you for an extra year. It was a far nicer class of
boys and he gained confidence that year which stood him in
good stead for the rest of his life." When parents are
unhappy about their child being kept back, the child often
feels the negative attitude and consequently, does not
benefit from the extra year as he should.
When a really bright child reaches the age of seven and has
not learned to read, it is essential that s/he obtains
expert tuition. It is often necessary to let him do the year
again because he will learn all the chumash and
davening by heart and never become a fluent reader.
But it is often wiser to move him to a different school into
a lower grade, so that he does not feel he has been kept
back.
Many schools will not bow to parental pressure and will not
accept children who are born after a certain date. Parents
of girls try to get them to skip grades so that they will
finish seminary a year earlier. In Israel, in particular, it
is a status symbol for a girl to skip a grade. Some parents
boast of the fact that they sent their girls abroad and
frankly lied about their age on the application form. One
cannot generalize. There are some children who are bored at
school (and there are some very boring teachers).
Parents feel that the child is not `stretched' enough, and
should be doing much more difficult work. They are often
wrong.
There is a family who decided not to send their oldest very
intelligent son to school, but to educate him privately.
They only did it to their first! Although he completed
shas at an incredibly early age, they felt that he
was not a normal human being. One could argue that if he was
a genius, he might not have been a normal human being even
if he had been educated at a regular school.
How often do parents complain of their children "wasting so
much time at school?" It is perfectly true, if you measure
the time of book learning. The maximum amount of learning
that gets done during the course of a school day is not more
than three hours till children are about twelve. Usually it
is less. But not all learning is book learning. Good
middos, social interaction with other children and
with adults, among other things, is all part of education
and maturation. It is not a stigma to be young and playful.
Nor is it an advantage to push your child ahead of his age
group. A girl may be in the marriage market sooner, but will
she make a better wife and mother? There is so much pressure
in the adult world; let the children grow up a little more
slowly.
