Part I
Anger control is a monumental challenge for adults and an even
bigger challenge for children. As the parent strives to rise to the
challenge of controlling his temper, he can help his child learn to
do the same and in so doing, give him important tools for life.
There are many reasons that children get angry: feeling a loss
of control and helplessness are two examples. When children are given
the tools to deal with these situations, they have other options besides
getting angry, such as relaxing tension and the proper positive expression
of emotions.
Frequently, anger is the inappropriate expression of underlying
emotions and is sometimes used as a defense mechanism.
Consider the following example:
Yossi comes home from cheder obviously angry. He kicks
the first sibling who crosses his path and begins throwing things
around the room. Yossi's mother tells him that she is sorry he is
upset and that when he calms down and feels ready, she will want to
hear what happened.
Through the grunts, shrugs, feigned indifference and various
other comments, his mother is finally able to ascertain that Yossi
was excluded from a game by the other boys in the neighborhood. Taking
him aside (perhaps taking the phone off the hook), she begins to discuss
his feelings together with him. Yossi feels hurt and rejected. After
negotiating a reward for Yossi's future middos work, he and
his mother begin to discuss ways to help him deal with his true feelings.
He discovers appropriate ways to express his feelings and together
they discuss why the boys excluded him.
He pretends to be one of the boys and tells why they won't let
Yossi play: he is too bossy and he always starts fights when he loses.
Yossi decides to try to work on being less bossy and controlling
his anger when he loses. The next day he tells his friends that he
will try his best not to get angry if he loses and asks if they will
give him another chance. They let him play and when he loses the game,
he takes a few deep breaths and tells himself that it's no big deal
and not worth losing friends. Yossi feels very proud of himself and
goes home and tells his mother. She commends him and tells him how
impressed she is at the way he is working on his anger and how mature
he is. Yossi gets his agreed-upon [small] reward. Both Yossi and his
mother feel that they have been successful at helping him deal with
his feelings and control his anger. The results were well worth the
attention and effort.
*
The above example may seem unrealistic or unreachable, however,
with some of the techniques discussed further on and with patience,
it is attainable. This is not to say that every child will cooperate
every time he is angry but hopefully, with successes to reassure
him, he will become aggressive less often and his anger will be less
intense.
In order to help children control anger, they need to be taught
to master several skills. RELAXATION, REFLECTION and RESPONSE. The
main problem with anger in children is that their initial response
is an aggressive one. When the initial response can be delayed, children
are on their way to controlling anger. It is important to stress to
children that it is normal to experience many different feelings and
to get angry sometimes, but a person has to learn to control his responses
to negative feelings. There are many techniques that can help children
relax and thus control their initial response to a provoking event.
Explain to the child the importance of controlling his anger
and discuss the negative repercussions of anger and the benefits of
self-control. Explain that a person who gets angry will get into trouble
with authority figures, will lose friends and will feel disappointed
in himself, while a person who practices self-control will stay out
of trouble, will normally have more friends (or better relations and
less troubles with them) and will feel good with himself as a result
of the great (spiritual) reward he has earned.
It is helpful to let the child know that everyone struggles
with anger, including his parents, and that you have faith in his
ability to learn to control his anger better. A reward system for
his making use of the anger control techniques can be instituted.
In the beginning, reward his effort and desire to work on his middos.
Realize that he will need external motivation in the form of praise
and physical rewards or privileges to meet the challenges of his yetzer
hora because even adults often fail at this task.
Teach him to recognize the physical signs of anger in his body,
such as tight muscles, shallow breathing, clenched fists and a
fast heart rate, as well as the situations that make him angry. [Have
him put his hand to his chest to actually feel the strong heartbeat.]
The parent should explain that when he feels himself getting angry,
he can choose to calm himself down by doing something other than getting
angry. There are several techniques that can be taught to help a child
relax or express emotions appropriately and avoid inappropriate anger
expression.
To be discussed in two future installations.
Masha Wolf is available for questions and consultation at 02-656-2172.
