Several months ago, HaRav Yitzchok Zilberstein
wrote a letter about the very painful problem of
helping hundreds of older girls find suitable
marriage partners. HaRav Zilberstein described the
problem and suggested breaking the accepted
conventions and considering alternatives for those
who are having trouble finding a marriage partner.
However, in his letter, Rav Zilberstein only
suggested the general possibility but did not
explain in detail how this should be done and what
he has in mind.
This is a pressing problem for many pained and hurt
families, who are awaiting a yeshua. After
having consulted with a number of talmidei
chachomim, we offer a few suggestions along
these lines, which might help our readers. The
first to truly break the old rules of accepted
behavior will be credited with having a large part
in releasing "agunos" from their
shackles.
The Chazon Ish is quoted as saying that
Hashgocho protis is especially evident in
the area of shidduchim, where all sense
Hashem's guiding hand in bringing about proper
matches. The fact that older girls have to wait so
long to meet up with their marriage partners is
also Hashgocho protis, since many matches
which are eventually made would not have been made
under regular circumstances. It is only due to
their age that some of the parties were willing to
hear various offers. This too is miShomayim.
As Sefer Hachareidim says, Shomayim
sometimes even causes wars to break out between
countries so that a young man will find his mate,
and there is no more difficult or greater battle
than the one that older, unmarried men and women
must undergo.
We beg the forgiveness of all those to whom the
problem pertains for perhaps making suggestions
that they may find difficult, but at the same time
we also ask permission to make a number of
suggestions for compromise. We shall refer to
certain types of marriage proposals which are
viable, and which should in no way disrupt
matrimonial harmony. The only problem in
introducing these ideas into our social and family
circles is that of breaking conventions and
assumptions about "what is done." After the first
difficult hurdle is overcome everything should work
out. Following are the main problems and our
suggestions how to overcome them:
a) Lack of a pleasing appearance: In general, if
the young man has good character traits, and is a
fine person, he also has a special grace which
compensates for his lack of looks. Agreeing to
marry such a person really involves no compromise,
because in the long run, one becomes used to his
appearance. As taught in Sota 47, people
don't pay attention to such appearances, and a
person's other characteristics and good qualities
cause him to be liked by everyone. In response to
questions regarding "attraction" the Steipler Rav
would say: "A beast is acquired by meshicha
(pulling -- a play on the homonym meshicha,
which means attraction) while a person is acquired
by good middos." He then stressed that after
the wedding all of these considerations are
meaningless and inconsequential, and that
everything depends on the character traits of the
marriage partner (except in cases of a truly
repulsive external appearance).
b) One side's being less talented or on a lower
intellectual level than the other is in general
also an imaginary flaw. This shouldn't be a
negative consideration, even when all those in
one's circle are talmidei chachomim, because
people should be assessed by their unique traits:
one for his intelligence, another for his good
nature or other good character. Even if a young man
isn't the biggest lamdan, he can be a good
Jew, both in Shomayim's eyes and the eyes of
his fellow.
c) A divorcee or a widow (or widower) should not be
rejected at the outset, but each case should be
considered on its own merit.
d) There is another type of compromise, which
involves taking a partner from a different sect or
social circle or even, under pressing conditions,
taking a young man who learns half a day and works
half a day. (The Sdeh Chemed married off all of his
daughters to young men who earned their livings
through regular work.) As is known, one who works
for his living and uses every spare moment for
Torah study is likened in Shomayim to one
who learns all day (see Chayei Olam part 11,
chapter 12, in the name of Sefer
Hachassidim.)
e) We find that gedolei horo'oh related to
issues of agunos as if they were issues of
pikuach nefesh, and if pikuach nefesh
overrides Shabbos, how much more should it override
the abovementioned conventions and assumptions,
especially when in the end all sides will be
pleased. If the young man in question has good
character traits, then even if the two come from
different sides of the world and have different
outlooks or are from different sects or social
circles, their good character traits will bind them
together and love and unity will prevail among them
in the best manner possible. In previous
generations, many Yerushalmim would make
shidduchim lechatchila with members of other
circles, and the matches were very successful.
g) Following is a good suggestion: The young man's
or girl's married friends are generally the best
ones to offer proposals. Because they have older
friends, and know both sides, they can make better
offers than adults who don't know the prospects.
Thus friends the same age should devote themselves
to this mitzvah, and then miShomayim there
will be an arousal to expedite the yeshua,
because arousal on earth creates arousal Above.
h) Friends should also remember them in their
prayers. Recently there was a case involving an
older boy who had not found a shidduch. A
few friends decided to mention his name in their
prayers, and in a number of months he got engaged.
After the yehi rotzon recited upon finishing
Tehillim, one should add: "vetishlach
zivug hogun lechol hanitzrochim mei'amcho beis
Yisroel," and in the merit of the prayer of the
many, Shomayim's mercies will certainly be
aroused.
i) It is worthwhile to cite the letter the Steipler
Rav wrote to the father of an older daughter. The
father was offered a shidduch for the girl,
and rejected it on the grounds that it didn't suit
her. Maran (taken from Kreina D'Igarta Part
One, letter 90) writes very sharply: "Your refusal
is a matter of middos. When you reach the
Heavenly Court, you will be asked why you spilled
your daughter's blood, and all of your excuses that
you meant only for her benefit will not be accepted
there at all because there, middos are
scrutinized, and what one does here out of the
desire for honor, is clearly seen there, and what
will you say on the Day of Judgment." He closed by
telling the father -- a very prominent talmid
chochom -- to retract his refusal, and not to
spill the blood of his daughter.
In Part Two, letter 17, he writes: "One shouldn't
think that in order for a shidduch to be the
true one, a young man should feel 100% certain
about it, because from experience we have seen that
many matches which didn't seem suitable worked out
very well, while others which did seem good weren't
so great in the end. How then does one find his
zivug? In general only after many hurdles
and misgivings. Doubts and obstacles are absolutely
no proof that the zivug isn't a good one,
since from the beginning of Creation it was
determined that making a match is as difficult as
krias Yam Suf, as explained at the opening
of Sota. The main thing is to look for a
woman who was raised to be a yiras Shomayim,
and who will be happy that her husband studies
Torah after the marriage. (See also letter 22.)
In Summary
The Chofetz Chaim was 17 when his stepsister, who
was 27 at the time, was proposed to him. His older
brother wanted to prevent the match, but when the
Chofetz Chaim heard that delaying it was liable to
disturb the sholom bayis of his mother and
stepfather, he hastened to finalize the match.
The Chofetz Chaim later said that all that he
merited to achieve was only due to his righteous
wife who devoted her life to his Torah. That is, he
credited all of his work in shemiras
haloshon and the Mishna Berurah to her.
Just imagine how different the world might have
been if the Chofetz Chaim had insisted on a
"normal" shidduch.
From this we learn that the good shidduch
isn't always the one which seems so on the surface.
One should always consult gedolei haTorah
regarding matches, because the merit of their Torah
helps them reach the truth. One should also pray to
the Borei Olom, to merit to hear good
tidings and joy along with all beis
Yisroel.
