It is difficult to relinquish parental responsibility. Even after their children are married, some parents somehow feel they would like to guide their lives, whether consciously or subconsciously. Furthermore, it may happen through unforeseen circumstances that grandparents have to temporarily bring up their grandchildren and become surrogate parents to them, either willingly or not. Admittedly, this relationship is less demanding of grandparents, but, nevertheless, they have to tread a fine line when turning back into grandparents, when the real parents don't need them any more.
Not infrequently, young grandparents bring up their own children from the tail end of their family together with grandchildren who were born at the same time. In fact, in this situation, the boundary between the two sets of parents often becomes blurred, and the children themselves are not too sure who is in command. When young parents find their children quoting grandparents in face of a slight conflict, they suddenly feel they have lost their authority.
"You know you are not allowed to eat in the guest room." "But Bubbie lets me," wails the child. "I only allow crayons, not felt-tip Magic Markers." "In Bubbie's house I can use what I like," is the retort. If it is something unimportant, parents might not make an issue out of it. Even when the children begin to ask why things are not allowed at home, and at Bubbie's house they are, and eventually might even declare, "When Bubbie comes to baby-sit, she let's us drink coffee," it is not worth a confrontation. The warning lights flash when it is a fundamental principle of education and the child announces that Bubbie says, "It doesn't really matter. You are too fussy."
Actually, it is an excellent thing for grandparents to be involved in the upbringing of the children. They can give them the extra spoiling for which parents do not have the time. They can make each child feel special and let them be `only children' when they come to visit. They are also in a position to tell stories and anecdotes which broaden the child's outlook, while simultaneously making him feel warm and secure in the grandparents' house.
In fact, many young couples, at least at the beginning, are delighted to have a free baby-sitting service, and appreciate all financial and other support, so long as they feel they are still at the helm and are not being pushed out of their child's life.
Twenty-two-year-old Frummie started a new job in a bank. She was worried about the irregular hours because of her three- year-old, but the extra income was very tempting. As usual, she discussed it with her mother and was delighted when the solution was presented to her on a plate. "Don't turn that offer down," her mother warned her. "Jobs don't grow on trees. I am free in the afternoons and will be delighted to be a mother again."
That was when things began to change. Frummie often felt she was just playing second fiddle when she came to collect her daughter from Bubbie's house. The child went there straight from kindergarten, had lunch and spent the rest of the afternoon with her grandmother. Frummie reports, "On the one hand, I felt selfish. After all, Channie was getting huge amounts of love, warmth and attention from my mother. Far more than she would be getting from me. But I felt I was being excluded, that I was losing my daughter. I even considered giving up my work. When I came to fetch her, she greeted me with indifference, and didn't want to go home. I got the feeling that she thought my mother's house was her real home and ours was the second home. I had no real reason to complain, and yet, I began to feel a deep resentment towards my mother.
"Thus began the hostility between us. With hindsight, I feel I was wrong, that I was just looking for someone upon whom to vent my frustration. At that time, I told my mother that she was ruining the child, giving in to her every whim and turning her into a spoiled, demanding little princess. My mother answered that it was not up to me to teach her how to treat a child and that she felt as if Channie was her own daughter. But if I wasn't happy about the situation, I could take her away.
"Channie admired my mother tremendously and quoted her at every opportunity. She began to oppose some of the regulations in our house quite openly. `Bubbie says I am allowed to...' I began to feel that things were getting completely out of hand, and that I had no control over the child."
Once, when a few young mothers were sitting together, Frummie asked the child, "Whom does Channie love best?" The child replied without a second's pause. "Bubbie." "Not Mommy?" asked the abashed mother, trying to right this negative impression. "First Bubbie, then Mommy," explained the little girl, not knowing that she had said the wrong thing. This was really going too far. Frummie felt that her mother was criticizing her to the child behind her back and making her feel uncertain about her loyalites and whom to obey.
Some parents find it difficult to loosen the apron strings, even when their children have become parents in their own right. They still see them as young inexperienced people who won't know the first thing about bringing up a young child. They voice their opinion on every subject, even when they have not been consulted.
Miri, an only daughter and very close to her mother, was content to lean on her for everything when she was newly married, including financial support. The turning point arrived with the birth of her first daughter. Her husband pointed out that in the guise of the financial support, her mother was interfering in every detail of the household, and had almost taking up lodgings with them.
Hostilities began. Mother complained that they didn't involve her enough. After all, if she showered them with gifts all the time, surely she had a right to mix in occasionally. When she became a proud grandmother, she expected to be an equal partner in the raising of the child.
Miri was pampered in Mommy's house for over six weeks after childbirth. Her mother bought the whole `trousseau' for this first grandchild. But after a while, the young couple realized that they were paying a heavy price for what they received. Bubbie disapproved of how they treated the baby, of the babysitter they chose and so on. Miri hinted to her that she should allow her to bring up her own child but the mother replied that if she gave, she was also entitled to receive.
As the child grew older, the hurtful remarks increased. "Look how thin she is; you are not feeding the child properly." Or "The way you dress her, she looks positively neglected." At this point, Miri decided to sever all ties with her mother. For a full year, she neither invited her to the house nor visited her. Today she realizes that she was overreacting and that it was not halachically correct. It was even inhumane. But at that time, she insisted on those extreme measures, feeling that she was not prepared to put up with the criticism or the interference.
Only after a full year, when her mother apologized for her lack of sensitivity and promised to act only as a grandmother, one generation removed, did things return to a more even keel.
Young people should not blow things out of proportion. They should not make mountains out of molehills. But grandparents also have to tread carefully. They may not usurp the authority of the young parents. Things like clothes, food, discipline and education, plus the general routine of the child's life, are the parents' domain. If Grandmother tries to change any of this, she is asking for trouble.
Some grandparents expect their children to model their home along the lines of their parents' home. They will criticize their son for not disciplining his child sufficiently, or, alternatively, overdisciplining. Or they might hint that if this child were allowed to stay with them for a while, he would be a different person. Their son feels himself a failure and that his children are a disapointment to his parents, which leads to arguments or estrangement. It is wise to warn children that different rules hold true in the grandparents' home, be they on the strict or the lenient side.
Grandparents should never belittle parents in front of the child nor undermine their authority in any way for this fosters insecurity in the child. They should not tell stories like "Do you know what a naughty little girl your mother was? So what does she expect from you?" Children may throw this back into their parents' face. This sort of thing causes irreparable harm to all concerned.
There is the aspect of taking without giving in return. Many young couples seem to accept the constant help and support they get from home as their due, as the parents' responsibility. They do not always bother to ask whether it is convenient if they take a weekend off and descend on the grandparents, or if the older people really want the grandchildren to stay with them at vacation time, whether they really have the time and the emotional and physical stamina to entertain the youngsters and take them on outings. Many grandparents say they don't have the courage to tell their children that things are getting a bit too much for them when they invite themselves over.
People have to consider whether they want help from their parents, to what extent, or not at all. They cannot dictate to them when to voice an opinion and when not. If they think about the consequences well in advance and realize that there is a price to pay for everything, then many an unpleasant situation can be avoided, and families will be able to live together in happiness and harmony.
