Part II
In our first part, we gave a real-life situation where a
mother helped her child overcome his anger and taught him to
recognize the danger signals in his body. [Note: brackets are
the comments of your editor, not the writer.]
The three basic skills to acquire are: Relaxation, Reflection
and Response.
RELAXATION
A child can practice relaxation in several ways. It is a good
idea for the child to find a quiet place when he is angry. He
may need to count to 10 before he takes any action. He can
practice deep breathing, listen to relaxing music, [look at a
photo album or out the window, do a simple puzzle] or read a
book until he feels more relaxed. If he closes his eyes, he
can pretend he is in a special place where he feels happy and
relaxed.
If the child's anger is very intense, he may need more
physical means to reduce his anger. One physical outlet is
vigorous exercise [perhaps a wooden board into which he can
bang some nails or a corner where he can throw pillows around
without doing damage]. Another idea is to release the muscle
tension by tensing up ALL the muscles and then letting them
go limp. Sometimes a child is so wound up that he needs to
get his body to stop moving. One way of doing this is by
getting him to practice turning off his arms and legs, one by
one, pretending he is a robot, and then relaxing like a
ragdoll. [Perhaps with the mother watching on the sidelines
and encouraging, he will get the extra attention he needs at
that difficult moment.]
Another technique to help a child control his impulsivity is
called the TURTLE TECHNIQUE. When a child feels that he is
very angry and wants to strike out physically, remind him
about the turtle. Teach him to curl up in a ball and pull in
his arms and legs like a turtle. Just as a turtle recedes
into his shell when he is threatened instead of striking out,
so should you teach him to pull in his arms and legs and
breathe deeply until he is calm and can decide what to do.
Another way to help your child control his initial response
is by teaching him safe and appropriate ways to
communicate his anger. He can draw an angry picture or
write out his feelings in a letter, or play an angry song if
he has some sort of instrument. He can even do an angry dance
[perhaps to lively music he chooses]. When he is calm, he can
express his anger verbally.
The options you have discussed with your child can be drawn
or written and put on a wall where they can be seen and
remembered. Practice using the options when he is calm by
saying, "Let's pretend that someone ripped up your homework.
What will you do?" It is very important to give a lot of
encouragement and make practice fun.
REFLECTION
After a child has calmed down, he can progress to the
reflection stage and think about what has happened. Part of
reflection is the understanding of one's own and others'
feelings. This skill is a prerequisite to anger control and a
precursor to peaceful problem resolution. Parents can provide
children with a list of feelings and a journal. The child
draws a picture expressing each feeling or can be
photographed demonstrating each feeling. He can then be asked
to identify his mood by pointing to the word or picture which
describes it.
Some important core emotions are: sad, worried, frustrated,
disappointed, lonely, shy, ashamed, hurt, impatient, jealous,
angry, happy, proud, excited and relieved. It is especially
important to learn what angers a child in order to help him
learn to prevent his anger from escalating and to deal with
the root of the problem. After the child identifies his
emotion, a ruler can be used to gauge how strong the feeling
is on a scale from one to ten [you can compare it to the
Richter earthquake scale], with ten being the most
intense.
This helps you and your child to know what upsets him most.
It is also a good way to put feelings in proportion. You can
ask your child what would rate a ten for feeling sad. You
might decide together that the death of a loved one (chas
vesholom) would be a ten, whereas other things are less.
It is important to accept your child's response even
if it is out of proportion, so that he will feel that his
feelings are legitimate. In time, he may come to realize that
sometimes things are less upsetting than they feel at first.
The ruler can also help you to help your child determine
whether something has been done to improve a distressing
situation or what can be done. For instance, you might say,
"I see you are very angry. What could we do to help you get
to a 3?" Or "I see you are much more relaxed now. What number
do you feel now? How did you do that? I'm proud of you." Your
awareness of and sympathy towards his feelings will certainly
help him get them under control.
An important factor in determining emotions is thought.
Research shows that thought affects feelings and actions and
it is therefore important to be aware of one's thoughts. If
angry thoughts are perpetuated, a person can become more
angry. Conversely, positive thoughts can bring a person to
feel positive and calm.
When your child is calm, have him draw a picture of himself
in a situation that angered him. On the left side, have him
draw a thought bubble (like in a cartoon) and fill in what he
was thinking.
Final installment next week. Masha Wolf invites comments
and questions and is available for consultation, evenings, at
02-656-2172.
