A woman who moved house recently marvels at a friend of hers
who chose new furniture with great ease. "They had some
catalogues sent to the house, clarified a few points over the
phone, and then ordered what they wanted." She herself
prefers to see what she is getting, to touch, to ask
countless questions, and then she goes home to measure up
again to be sure the furniture will fit into the required
space. Only then does she ask her husband to come with her to
help her decide. She then looks at her friends' and
relatives' furniture once again and after they have chosen
the style, they have to decide on price and color, etc. Small
wonder, that after two and a half years of marriage, the
young couple still has no furniture of its own.
*
Hesitation or indecision is not necessarily a negative trait.
On the contrary, it may indicate a prudent, thoughtful
person.
"Although it is very pleasant if a customer comes in and buys
the first item which comes to hand, I prefer the buyer to
examine the goods, and weigh them up to decide whether they
really meet his requirements, if the price is right and other
various considerations suit. Only after all that do I want
them to purchase something. This is for two reasons,"
explained an experienced businessman. "First of all, in my
experience, a large percentage of impulsive buyers come back
to return the goods. Secondly, when a customer comes in and
takes out his checkbook without any thought, I get a queasy
premonition that something is not quite right."
The more important the decision, the more undecided, or
perhaps hesitant, a person becomes. However, in the usual
normal process of making a decision, a person gathers
information, weighs up the various options, and then
decides.
A pathological ditherer on the other hand, attaches
exaggerated importance to trivial matters and thinks of the
most unlikely possibilites. He is then caught in a vicious
circle, without seeing a way out. He gathers information,
thinks about it, hesitates, finds out more, considers it
again, becomes even more undecided. Too much data clouds the
issue and he is left confused and bewildered.
An indecisive person asks too many people for advice. He
seems to lack the normal person's intuition of the right
thing to do, and dreads making a decision lest it be the
wrong one. Someone with a low self-esteem may be afraid to
come to a decision because of what others might say about
him. He is afraid of ridicule and thus will further delay a
decision.
People differ about things which are difficult for them to
decide. For example, a woman took her children to a
stationery shop at the end of the summer vacation to equip
them for school. The girls agonized endlessly over the choice
of wrapping paper for their books, as if the whole world
depended on it. On the other hand, the boys took the first
roll that came to hand.
Every individual has his own blind spot when it comes to
making up his mind, therefore it is not worth deriding
foibles in others just because we may be able to decide
immediately. They may not have any doubts about an issue
which perplexes us terribly. Someone may decide quickly and
easily when faced with a shidduch, whereas this same
person will be hard put to decide on a new pair of shoes. We
cannot forget that in all decisions, there is Hashgocho
Protis, Divine Assistance which guides our every
choice.
If we were faced with only one option, there would be no
choice and decisions would be easy. But nowadays, with the
plethora of institutions, schools, chadorim, yeshivos
and seminaries, with each one laying a stress on different
aspects of education, there is only a fine line of
distinction between them. It is very difficult to make up our
minds where to send the children. In the mundane world of
daily purchases, be it clothes, household items, electrical
goods, to name but a few commodities, the choice has also
become extremely wide as regards color, style, quality, price
etc. Someone with a medical, educational or emotional problem
is bewildered by the various claims of success and cannot
find the right person to ask. Decisions have really become
more difficult.
Someone trying to overcome indecisiveness should choose to
overcome this trait with something where the decision does
not really matter. Even if the decision is not the correct
one, it won't be the end of the world. Then he must realize
that there is a price to pay for hesitation. A woman who
wanted a new outfit for Pesach, left it for very late. She
tried on several garments and when she finally found what she
liked, thought she might get it cheaper in another shop. Her
time was limited and she went home emptyhanded, compounded by
a feeling of failure.
Whey trying to become more decisive, it is unwise to ask too
many people for an opinion. Rational thinking when buying a
new item, for example, discerning whether there is really a
difference between the articles or whether it is purely
cosmetic, i.e. the outer casing, helps get the priorities
straight. The girl who went out to buy an eraser and was so
bemused by the various shapes, colors and even smells, forgot
that what she actually wanted was an eraser that could
erase.
When worried about what others might think, it is a good idea
to remember who is going to be using this article, never mind
the comments of others. Or the woman who earns a good wage
doing some work which might be disdained by members of the
family who have greater ambitions, should feel comfortable
with the fact that she has made the decision which is right
for her.
Some undecided people are afraid that once they have made up
their minds, they have burnt their bridges and cannot change
the decison. On the whole, this is not true. Most decisions
are reversible, and it is well to remember that all humans
err at one time or another. They all learn by trial and
error.
Without a doubt, there are pathological cases where people
need help in resolving their problems. But most people can
overcome their diffiuclties by following the above
guidelines. They will only have one problem to solve: Why are
they still so unsure?
