Social problem solving is a vitally important life skill for
children to master and one that can be taught starting from a
very young age. Children often get locked into aggressive
behavior patterns because they don't feel they have
alternatives in challenging situations. This is especially
true of small chilren but can apply to children of all ages.
Consider the following example:
Yaakov leaves the Shabbos table for a few minutes. When he
comes back, Leah is sitting in his seat and he proceeds to
push her off the chair onto the floor. When his mother asks
him why he did it, he replies, "She took my seat." He replies
as if the answer is self- explanatory and that it is clear
that there was no alternative. He expects his mother to
understand this and is extremely perturbed when she doesn't
see things his way.
This example is not far from the truth. Although children
know it is wrong to act aggressively, they often respond with
aggression because they feel powerless and they don't know
what else to do. In addition, emotions cloud a person's
ability to think logically and to use his intellect. If
children become accustomed to generating viable alternatives
to aggression, they will feel more powerful and will be more
skillful and in control when confronted with stressful
situations.
According to Spivak and Sure, leading psychologists in the
area of social problem solving, there are two skills that are
prerequisites to social problem solving: ALTERNATIVE THINKING
and CONSEQUENTIAL THINKING. Alternative thinking is the
ability to generate multiple alternatives to problems, and
consequential thinking is the ability to foresee immediate as
well as long range consequences of a particular action and
use it in the decision making process. Both of these skills
can be taught to children through games. It is best to begin
teaching problem solving in a non-threatening and non-
personal mode, which the games provide.
THE BRAINSTORMING GAME
This is a game in which a child is presented with a problem
and is asked to think of as many solutions to the problem as
he can. Some of the problems may sound silly but the idea is
to give the child practice in thinking up solutions. A
typical example would be something like the following:
Chaim wants to play with a friend but everyone is busy or not
at home. What could he do? Accept all answers initially in
order to encourage the child's effort. This game can be
played wih one or several children and if the atmosphere is
kept light and the children receive praise or rewards, they
may really enjoy it.
Later, a list of interpersonal problems from your child's
daily life can be compiled. Some examples may include:
Yanky and Leah both want to listen to a tape but they don't
like the same tapes. What can they do?
Yudi and Chaim share a room. Yudi is cold and wants the
window closed but Chaim is hot and wants air. What can they
do?
Moishy is afraid to answer questions in class. What can he
do?
This list of interpersonal conflicts can be saved and used in
the brainstorming game and in other games that will be
discussed later. Children can help compile the list with
their own ideas which can be written or drawn.
ALTERNATIVE THINKING THROUGH TIC TAC TOE
Use the list of interpersonal conflicts that you have
compiled from your child's day to day experiences. Before
each person's turn, read an interpersonal conflict aloud.
Play a game of traditional tic tac toe but only allow the
child to make an `x' or `o' if he offers a legitimate
solution (decided by the parent). If he can't think of a
solution, you may help him, since the main point of the game
is to teach problem solving, not game strategy. This can be
played with several children against one adult or with one or
several children against each other.
THE S.T.A.R. TECHNIQUE
Another technique that can help children calm their emotional
reactions and use Alternative Thinking is called the S.T.A.R.
technique. This stands for Stop, Think, and Act Right. When
children are upset and do not seem to be able to generate
peaceful alternatives to aggression, they can be reminded
that they can be a `star.' They are taught to turn off a
switch that controls their arms and legs and other out-of-
control parts of their bodies and turn on the switch that
controls their brain. They can then proceed to think of
logical solutions to their problems. The child can decide
where the switch will be and how long it will take to turn
off the body and turn on the brain. This will give him time
to relax and get into a thinking mode.
It is important to reward the child with praise and/or
incentives when he uses problem solving and makes himself a
`star' either during a game or when a real problem arises. A
chart with stars is a very appropriate reward for younger
children.
CONSEQUENTIAL THINKING
This is the next aspect of problem solving to be taught. Once
a child is able to generate several alternatives to a given
problem, he must then learn to evaluate each alternative by
understanding its potenital consequences. How will others
feel and react to his chosen course of action?
For example, if a child is confronted with a situation in
which his friend calls him a name and the child chooses to
stop speaking to that friend, it is important for him to
understand how the friend will feel and what may happen.
A child can be taught to evaluate alternatives and foresee
consequences by extending the brainstorming game. After the
child brainstorms solutions, he can be asked to examine a few
solutions, some legitimate and some not, and to foresee their
possible outcomes. How will the solution make people feel?
What could happen?
WHAT IF? GAME
The what if? game is another enjoyable way to teach
children to foresee consequences and to create plans to
overcome obstacles. Try to think of situations that may be
potential problems for your child and ask him, "What would
you do if..."
- you didn't have the materials to study for your test.
- your teacher didn't call on you in class very often and you
felt hurt.
- you didn't get invited to a party.
- you gave the wrong answer in class and everyone laughed at
you.
- some kids were teasing you every day in school.
- you didn't pay attention in class and you were having a
test on material you didn't know.
- your class was going swimming and you were afraid of the
water.
- your brother borrowed something without asking.
It is important to make this exercise game-like by either
using a game format like checkers in which the child has to
answer the question before he moves, or by giving some type
of reward after each answer. A young child may be happy with
hugs and praise while an older child may want a physical
reward. This can be discussed with the child.
By helping your child anticipate problems and asking him,
"How would you feel? What would you do?" you can teach him to
be a good problem solver and think ahead. In time, he may
begin to play the "what if" game on his own and anticipate
difficulties and consequences as well as solutions.
THE TIME MACHINE GAME
This is another innovative way to teaching problem solving.
This game teaches children to do tshuva and find
better solutions for the future. Explain to your child that a
time machine is a pretend machine that lets us go back in
time and fix mistakes we have made in the past. You can use
an imaginary time machine or a cardboard box that your child
can decorate with dials and switches and actually get into.
This makes the game more fun.
Begin by modeling the time machine game for your child. Tell
him about a time when you made a big mistake as a child that
you would like to fix, such as speaking rudely to an adult or
hurting someone deeply. Tell him you are going to pretend to
go back in time and replay the situation. Explain what
happened as a result of what you did and describe how you and
other people felt. Go back in time by pulling on the pretend
lever and making machine noises, then act out the scene as
you would do if you had the chance to do it over. This is
excellent for children because they enjoy it and they learn
from your experiences in a fun, non-threatening way. Children
love to hear stories from their parents' past. You can think
carefully and choose an example that you will feel
comfortable sharing with your child. This child will
understand that it is acceptable and human to make mistakes
but that there is always a chance to repent for wrong
actions. Later, when your child feels less threatened, ask
him to use the time machine for a situation that he wishes he
could change. In time, you can suggest that your child use
the time machine for inter-personal problems as they
arise.
Games and incentives make interpersonal problem solving fun
and give children practice in using alternative and
consequential thinking. The more children practice using
their learned skills, the more internalized and automatic
they become. Once the skills have become automatic, children
are more likely to use intellect instead of emotion when
confronted with challenging situations and generate positive
and peaceful solutions to their problems.
