What is the importance of report cards to parents and
children? How should parents behave towards a child whose
report card doesn't meet their expectations? An educational
counselor encountered cases where parents hit their children
because of low grades. She speaks of the parents'
responsibility and of grave educational errors, when there is
too much focus on grades.
The following story took place in a suburban school. About
two weeks before the end of the term, a 5th grade pupil came
over to his teacher and asked in a pleading voice: "Please Mr
B., maybe I don't deserve it but I beg of you, have pity on
me when you write out my report-card. If not, I'm lost!" The
teacher wasn't surprised by the incident. He was used to
pupils asking for changes in the final mark at the last
moment. However, the way the pupil phrased his entreaty and
his fearful tone of voice caused the teacher to consider this
pupil's request more seriously. The pupil's achievements
ranged from average to low. He had never before shown the
slightest interest in grades. The teacher's sixth sense was
awakened and he decided to probe. "Since when are you
interested in your report-card, it's just another piece of
paper!"
"It's not me, it's my father," the pupil said in a low voice.
"If I come back this semester with another bad report-card,
who knows what will happen to me! All my brothers do so well,
that he's sick and tired of my terrible grades. I'm very
afraid. I don't think I'll go home if I have too many low
marks." "I was shocked by the boy's remarks," the teacher
told us. "Until then I had no idea there were parents like
that. I'm not naive and of course I know that parents
sometimes punish their children for a bad report card, but
this seemed an unusual case."
Q. What did you do? Did you raise his marks in order to
protect him?
Actually, that's not a good policy, and it doesn't solve the
problem. I picked up the phone and made an appointment with
the father. I found a very tough person who had been through
a lot of failures and disappointments in his life and who
pinned all of his hopes in his children. I explained the
situation and told him that his threats were only causing his
son to regress and to contemplate drastic steps. I also
suggested that he speak to his son alone and not in any way
use aggressive measures. The father has a great deal of
respect for the school system and for teachers in general and
he accepted my suggestions. The marks stayed the same but I
hope there was a change in the father's attitude towards the
son's achievements.
This might be a special case but it's not as unusual as we
might believe. There are parents who value the report card
above and beyond its actual worth. It's the actualization of
all their hopes and expectations, for their children and for
themselves. Often, an unsatisfactory report card can lead the
parent to outbursts of anger, frustration and disappointment
at himself, and at his children who are following in his
footsteps.
PARENTS ARE ALSO RESPONSIBLE
A.S.R., an educational counselor for schools and a guidance
counselor for parents, is familiar with both sides of the
coin. Through her wide experience in education she was
confronted with the less sympathetic side of certain parents
who have a `low frustration threshold' and use physical force
to show their impatience towards `lazy children.' Often the
demands are totally out of proportion with the child's
capabilities, and only frustrate him more. Parents can
sometimes apply undue pressure: "You'd better watch out and
not bring another bad report home this time," or: "We expect
a much better report-card this time; you know you can do it,"
when in fact the child is not capable of getting higher
marks.
"People have no idea what the effect of these threats are on
the child, especially those with a fertile imagination.
Contrary to adults who figure things out logically: "What's
the worse that can happen to me? What can they do to me,
already?" The child's vivid, active imagination might lead
him to conjure up all sorts of terrible things.
On the other hand, many of the complaints she receives are
from frustrated teachers who try to give logical grades but
find it difficult afterwards to put up with the parents' lack
of confidence in them and their claims that the marks are
unfair. Some parents unjustly behave as if the sole
responsibility for the pupil's lack of brilliance lies with
the teacher. The main complaints are: the grades don't
express the child's personality. If you had invested more
time in him you would have seen the full expression of his
potential. You never gave him an opportunity.
Actually, A. claims, the parent himself has an awesome
responsibility concerning the child's success or failure. He
shouldn't be surprised at all by the results on the report
card if he put in maximum effort and kept up regular contact
with the teacher. If he is surprised at the results, it shows
that he wasn't involved enough, that he had unreal
expectations, or was just building castles in the air.
WHEN THE CHILD IS AFRAID TO GO HOME
Parents who exaggerate the importance of the report card and
its value are faced with a difficult conflict. Every parent,
and this is completely natural, wants their child to be, if
not the best, then at least one of the top in the class. He
also sees the child as a continuation, an extension of
himself. Some parents expect the child to make up for what
was lacking in their own education ("If I couldn't succeed in
life, at least my children can make a go of it"). Other
parents burden their child with high expectations by wanting
them to succeed as they did, and Heaven forbid if their
offspring doesn't reach the same high level of success
("Don't dare ruin the family name"). If there is too much
undue pressure on the child, he will be afraid of coming home
and facing his parents with the incriminating evidence. This
is an unhealthy situation which is detrimental to the child's
development.
A. tells us emphatically: "A child who grows up in a tense
household will return home depressed and sad, and will
sometimes try to soften the blow to himself by saying: `Here
is the report card. I couldn't care less what it says.' In
most cases, failure bothers the child a lot and this is his
way of expressing it."
Q. Ideally, how should the parent react towards the child
when his report card is not up to par, and he must buckle
down and improve his grades?
Many parents have to face this dilemma. Obviously one cannot
overlook a poor report card. Apathy only makes the parent a
partner to the child's failure and gives him the message that
it's all right to continue on this way. On the other hand, is
it fair to make a tremendous fuss over some low grades and
give the child the feeling that his good midos are
less important? Certain important character traits are not
even mentioned on the report card. Therefore, it is very
individual, A. tells us. The parent must know his child and
act accordingly. Some children are so sensitive that a small
remark is enough to help one improve his grades
significantly. (For example: "With marks like these, maybe
we'll have to wait with that new bike we thought of buying
you" - with the emphasis on the `maybe'.) Other children need
an iron hand and definite limits set for them. Some work well
with the `carrot & stick' method and any harshness will just
make them lose all motivation.
In my opinion, the problem doesn't start with the giving out
of report cards, but much before. Parents should realize that
the end of the quarter is not the time for arguments,
criticism and discussions about his situation - present or
future - in light of the grades he just received. They need
to be aware all along the way. If it looks like the child
isn't reaching his full learning potential it is imperative
to examine all the reasons which might be at cause.
First of all, outside and technical factors have to be
checked. This includes physical problems such as sight,
hearing etc. which might interfere with concentration and
motivation. Often intelligent pupils suffer from some sort of
dyslexia which keeps them from advancing. There are also
social problems which prevent development. If a child is not
accepted by the group, for example, he will waste energy
worrying about his problems and the lessons will be that much
harder for him. Children are also affected by pressures at
home. For instance, an eldest child might be overburdened by
too much responsibility and this can be detrimental to his
learning. All these are aspects to consider. Often it
suffices to suppress the technical cause in order to solve
the problem: to remove the pupil from a friend who is
disturbing him in class, to sit a child closer to the board,
to get him a pair of glasses, to give him a hearing test, to
help him solve his social problems.
If after all these causes were checked, it was found that the
child is simply too lazy to sit and study, the parent has to
take a firm stand and insist that he take his lessons
seriously.
Q. Israeli parents are less insistent - what does this mean?
An interesting survey, recently published, notes that Israeli
parents are comparatively more sympathetic towards their
offspring than parents from other countries around the world
where achievement is of prime importance. In Israel, parents
prefer to compliment their children on their accomplishments
rather than punish them for failing. They believe that
encouraging them to do well is more important than
disciplining them for receiving low grades.
In Japan, a country with a high work and study ethic,
pressure from parents and teachers often results in
depressions and even tragedies (suicides) after the students
fail in their studies. This tendency, which increased there
in recent years, brought about a new psychological attitude
in our own country, ie. that it is absolutely forbidden to
`break the child,' and that his `happiness' is the main
objective.
If this attitude is exaggerated, A. maintains, it leads to an
unhealthy situation. Children need definite limits to keep
them within bounds of the system. Permissiveness is perceived
by children as a weakness and prevents them from making an
honest effort. Teachers in turn cannot ignore the child's
careless attitude towards his studies and must prevent
further deterioration. Obviously, not every subject interests
every pupil but if the teacher doesn't take a firm stand, the
child won't make even a minimum effort.
Q. Is it natural for teachers to use the threat: if you don't
pay attention and learn, I'll lower your grades?
Nowadays, when teachers have lost the right to employ most
disciplinary measures (they're not allowed to raise their
hand against a child, to reprove because it's detrimental to
his self-image etc.), the report card is the only means left
for discipline. It is necessary for the teacher's powers of
discernment to come into play in the type of punishment he
metes out. If, for example, he lowered the grade of a weak
pupil who invested a great deal of effort into his studies,
this would be like taking the last piece of bread from a poor
man. He can take other steps, however, like threatening to
call the parents, or canceling participation in an upcoming
school trip, etc.
It is an educational error to place overall importance on
grades, and judge pupils only according to that criterion,
says A. There are children who love their teacher and make
efforts only to please her and in spite of their efforts,
their grades remain below average. If such a teacher relays
the message that a mark of 80% is not considered high, the
child will lose all hope of ever being a success and the
teacher will have closed the door to communication with the
pupil.
Q. Perhaps it would be better to change the system and
abolish report cards altogether?
I'm not so sure that this is a good idea. As Jews we are
accustomed from time to time to stop and make a
`cheshbon,' to take stock of the situation, on
erev Rosh Chodesh, erev Shabbos, erev Rosh Hashona
etc. This break allows us to evaluate how we stand
spiritually and what can be done to change. The report card
also has some type of spiritual value in the sense that it
causes us to stop and evalutate the situation. It's an
educational tool which gets us used to appraising our
capabilities in different areas. Even those who study only in
order to get good marks, learn and advance as a result.
In the final analysis, the self-evaluation which is
represented by the report card can help us all advance -
teachers, parents, and children as well.
