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29 Av 5759 - August 11, 1999 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
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Home and Family
Preparing For The Future
by R' Zvi Zobin

Dealing With the Big Scream

It's all a matter of leverage -- manipulation. "What can I do to get my way?"

From the moment a child is born, he begins to learn that crying will get him whatever he needs. The distress of hunger, thirst, a soiled diaper or just feeling discarded, can be relieved by opening up your mouth and crying as loudly as you can.

At the earliest years, crying is the only means a child has to communicate his feelings. It is like the alarm bell in the elevator and the call button on your airplane seat -- it brings help!

But, as every airline hostess knows, that call button can be misused.

There is much discussion over the problem as to how long parents should let their baby cry if they feel there is no specific cause for the crying. However, this article is not directed specifically to that point -- though perhaps roots of the problem being addressed here might lie in that discussion.

Mrs. Karing is shopping with her son, Eli, in the local supermarket. Suddenly he spots a tempting bar of chocolate on the shelf.

"Mummy, can I have that bar of chocolate?" asks Eli.

"No, dear. We are going home to eat lunch soon and it will spoil your appetite. We have plenty of chocolate at home. After you eat all of your lunch, I will give you some," replies Mrs. Karing.

"But I want it now!" responds Eli.

"I told you! It will spoil your appetite," Mrs. Karing answers back.

"It won't!" insists little Eli. "I want it now!"

Eli's voice begins to rise. Resolutely, Mrs. Karing wheels her shopping cart on, past the sweets shelves.

Eli begins to scream. "I want chocolate! Give me chocolate! I won't lose my appetite! I want some now! I want it!"

Eli is now on the floor, crying, screaming franctically and kicking. Everyone in the supermarket is looking towards the source of the commotion.

Mrs. Karing is now praying for the floor to open up and swallow her into the bowels of the earth.

Eli is making a fool of his mother. Mrs. Karing waits for a few moments and when the floor does not swallow her up and he persists, dying of shame she returns to the shelves, picks up the bar of chocolate and stuffs it into Eli's hand.

Eli is now happy and they continue shopping peacefully -- until something else catches Eli's eye.

Eli is compulsive, demands instant gratification, exhibits contrary behavior syndrome (is naughty) and is a constant source of embarrassment for his parents at home, in front of guests and in public.

The story really begins way back, when Eli was a little child. Then Eli learned how to blackmail his parents. Eli learned that when his parents refused his demands, if he made enough fuss, they would back down and give in to him.

The Karings had to go away for a few weeks and they asked Mr. and Mrs. Shimon to look after Eli. They agreed. On the fateful day, Eli arrived at the Shimon home and the whole family tried to make him feel welcome and at home.

At first, Eli reveled in all the attention he was getting. Then he saw something he wanted. "Please, can I have that cookie," he asked Mrs. Shimon.

"No, Eli. It's for Shabbos. You can have one on Shabbos."

"But I want it now!" Eli turned on his siren and started to howl.

But the Shimons were prepared.

Very calmly, Mr. Shimon spoke to Eli. "Listen, Eli. In this house, screaming is not an option. You can ask for something and if we say no, it is no. If you want to scream, you can go outside on the porch and scream to the cats."

Eli continued to scream. Mr. Shimon took Eli by the hand, led him onto the porch and closed the door behind him. Eli continued screaming for a while, but he soon saw that the Shimons were determined in their resolution. And he saw that even though probably the whole area could hear his screams, they were not worried that he was embarrassing them in front of the neighbors.

After a few minutes, Eli realized that he was not achieving anything by his screaming. He became quiet. Mr. Shimon then came to the porch and explained to Eli again that in the Shimon house, screaming is not an option. If ever he starts to scream again, not only will he be put outside, but under no circumstances will he ever get what he demanded.

Mr. Shimon then allowed Eli to come back inside the house. Eli walked into the kitchen and saw the cookie again. "Please can I have a cookie?"

Mrs. Shimon again replied, "No, Eli. It's for Shabbos. You can have one on Shabbos."

"But I want it now!" Eli responded.

"Eli!" Mrs. Shimon replied sternly, "if you ask once again, you will not even get one on Shabbos when the rest of the family gets them."

Eli got the message and for the rest of his stay by the Shimons, he never turned on his siren.

When Mrs. Karing came to pick up Eli, Mrs. Shimon explained to her how they had dealt with Eli's tantrums. Mrs. Karing understood what the Shimons had done and she was pleasantly surprised to hear that Eli had behaved so well at their home.

But Eli is too strong for Mrs. Karing. She gives in before he does and so he continues to turn on his tantrums to manipulate his mother to get whatever he wants from her.

You will see them and hear them at the supermarket or at the restaurant -- until the Elis get what they want -- and then they are such sweet little boys. Until the next time...

Response to possible letters of protest from parents of little horrors who claim that Contrary Behavior Syndrome is sanctioned by psychologists as a genuine dysfunction for which neither the child nor the parents can be blamed:

The story of Eli is based on an actual occurrence. Eli had been receiving therapy for a long time. Mrs. and Mrs. Shimon's attitude to Eli is backed by many books on how to deal with this type of aberrant behavior without medication or long-term therapy. In the story, no mention is made of Mr. Karing. Perhaps there isn't one. Perhaps he is dysfunctional. Perhaps Mrs. Karing just does not have the strength to both run her family and to battle with Eli. Perhaps responsible members of the kehilla need to step in and help Mrs. Karing. There is not enough information in the story to lay the blame at anyone's feet.

The main point, though, is that our generation is not the first to have naughty children. But it is becoming the first to give that naughty behavior the status of an illness, thereby relieving parents and teachers of their responsibility. Much of the misbehavioral problems could be prevented if the parents began instilling guidelines of discipline into children from the earliest ages.

 

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