Dealing With the Big Scream
It's all a matter of leverage -- manipulation. "What can I do
to get my way?"
From the moment a child is born, he begins to learn that
crying will get him whatever he needs. The distress of
hunger, thirst, a soiled diaper or just feeling discarded,
can be relieved by opening up your mouth and crying as loudly
as you can.
At the earliest years, crying is the only means a child has
to communicate his feelings. It is like the alarm bell in the
elevator and the call button on your airplane seat -- it
brings help!
But, as every airline hostess knows, that call button can be
misused.
There is much discussion over the problem as to how long
parents should let their baby cry if they feel there is no
specific cause for the crying. However, this article is not
directed specifically to that point -- though perhaps roots
of the problem being addressed here might lie in that
discussion.
Mrs. Karing is shopping with her son, Eli, in the local
supermarket. Suddenly he spots a tempting bar of chocolate on
the shelf.
"Mummy, can I have that bar of chocolate?" asks Eli.
"No, dear. We are going home to eat lunch soon and it will
spoil your appetite. We have plenty of chocolate at home.
After you eat all of your lunch, I will give you some,"
replies Mrs. Karing.
"But I want it now!" responds Eli.
"I told you! It will spoil your appetite," Mrs. Karing
answers back.
"It won't!" insists little Eli. "I want it now!"
Eli's voice begins to rise. Resolutely, Mrs. Karing wheels
her shopping cart on, past the sweets shelves.
Eli begins to scream. "I want chocolate! Give me chocolate! I
won't lose my appetite! I want some now! I want it!"
Eli is now on the floor, crying, screaming franctically and
kicking. Everyone in the supermarket is looking towards the
source of the commotion.
Mrs. Karing is now praying for the floor to open up and
swallow her into the bowels of the earth.
Eli is making a fool of his mother. Mrs. Karing waits for a
few moments and when the floor does not swallow her up and he
persists, dying of shame she returns to the shelves, picks up
the bar of chocolate and stuffs it into Eli's hand.
Eli is now happy and they continue shopping peacefully --
until something else catches Eli's eye.
Eli is compulsive, demands instant gratification, exhibits
contrary behavior syndrome (is naughty) and is a constant
source of embarrassment for his parents at home, in front of
guests and in public.
The story really begins way back, when Eli was a little
child. Then Eli learned how to blackmail his parents. Eli
learned that when his parents refused his demands, if he made
enough fuss, they would back down and give in to him.
The Karings had to go away for a few weeks and they asked Mr.
and Mrs. Shimon to look after Eli. They agreed. On the
fateful day, Eli arrived at the Shimon home and the whole
family tried to make him feel welcome and at home.
At first, Eli reveled in all the attention he was getting.
Then he saw something he wanted. "Please, can I have that
cookie," he asked Mrs. Shimon.
"No, Eli. It's for Shabbos. You can have one on Shabbos."
"But I want it now!" Eli turned on his siren and started to
howl.
But the Shimons were prepared.
Very calmly, Mr. Shimon spoke to Eli. "Listen, Eli. In this
house, screaming is not an option. You can ask for something
and if we say no, it is no. If you want to scream, you can go
outside on the porch and scream to the cats."
Eli continued to scream. Mr. Shimon took Eli by the hand, led
him onto the porch and closed the door behind him. Eli
continued screaming for a while, but he soon saw that the
Shimons were determined in their resolution. And he saw that
even though probably the whole area could hear his screams,
they were not worried that he was embarrassing them in front
of the neighbors.
After a few minutes, Eli realized that he was not achieving
anything by his screaming. He became quiet. Mr. Shimon then
came to the porch and explained to Eli again that in the
Shimon house, screaming is not an option. If ever he starts
to scream again, not only will he be put outside, but under
no circumstances will he ever get what he demanded.
Mr. Shimon then allowed Eli to come back inside the house.
Eli walked into the kitchen and saw the cookie again. "Please
can I have a cookie?"
Mrs. Shimon again replied, "No, Eli. It's for Shabbos. You
can have one on Shabbos."
"But I want it now!" Eli responded.
"Eli!" Mrs. Shimon replied sternly, "if you ask once again,
you will not even get one on Shabbos when the rest of the
family gets them."
Eli got the message and for the rest of his stay by the
Shimons, he never turned on his siren.
When Mrs. Karing came to pick up Eli, Mrs. Shimon explained
to her how they had dealt with Eli's tantrums. Mrs. Karing
understood what the Shimons had done and she was pleasantly
surprised to hear that Eli had behaved so well at their
home.
But Eli is too strong for Mrs. Karing. She gives in before he
does and so he continues to turn on his tantrums to
manipulate his mother to get whatever he wants from her.
You will see them and hear them at the supermarket or at the
restaurant -- until the Elis get what they want -- and then
they are such sweet little boys. Until the next time...
Response to possible letters of protest from parents of
little horrors who claim that Contrary Behavior Syndrome is
sanctioned by psychologists as a genuine dysfunction for
which neither the child nor the parents can be blamed:
The story of Eli is based on an actual occurrence. Eli had
been receiving therapy for a long time. Mrs. and Mrs.
Shimon's attitude to Eli is backed by many books on how to
deal with this type of aberrant behavior without medication
or long-term therapy. In the story, no mention is made of Mr.
Karing. Perhaps there isn't one. Perhaps he is dysfunctional.
Perhaps Mrs. Karing just does not have the strength to both
run her family and to battle with Eli. Perhaps responsible
members of the kehilla need to step in and help Mrs.
Karing. There is not enough information in the story to lay
the blame at anyone's feet.
The main point, though, is that our generation is not the
first to have naughty children. But it is becoming the first
to give that naughty behavior the status of an illness,
thereby relieving parents and teachers of their
responsibility. Much of the misbehavioral problems could be
prevented if the parents began instilling guidelines of
discipline into children from the earliest ages.
