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Dear Y.C. and Yated Ne'eman,
Thank you, Y.C., for taking the time and effort to write what
the Y.N. editorial staff deemed an "insightful" letter which
makes our series, "worth it just for that." That is truly a
special compliment! I also found your letter sincere,
insightful, and beautifully stated.
Thank you, Y. N. editorial staff for taking the time and
effort to write an eloquent, honest, thoughtful, and
sensitive reply. It's nice to know that one's pieces are not
only being read, but also merit so much editorial attention,
even if not entirely positive.
I agree, Y.C., that there is "far more to the story" than is
often presented in the "stereotypical baal teshuva story." I,
too, as you might have guessed, am a "b.t."; I, Boruch
Hashem, have been living in Israel for the past 17 years
learning in yeshiva, and kollel, as well as writing to
and about, teaching and counseling mostly the b.t., but also
the "f.f.b." I am also grateful and happy to parent a large
family, bli ayin hora. Both my personal and my
professional experience make me cognizant of the "deeper"
trials of the b.t., which I agree with you are "unique and
lifelong."
While I can identify with your pain and struggles, I can
identify more deeply with your joy and gratitude to Hashem. I
could add to your list of difficulties the many problems
unique to the male b.t, (for example, "catching up" and
"making it" in learning, feelings of responsibility for
parnasa as well as the technical difficulties of
making an "honest parnasa" in a society with limited
resources, and the loss of credibility and stature that often
occurs when a "successful, intelligent, accomplished"
"Western" man enters a new society on a relatively low level
of competence, understanding, and achievement, to name but a
few). Yet, I feel that the rewards of a life dedicated to the
pursuit of Truth and self improvement, and the "side
benefits" of following a Torah guided and inspired lifestyle
(marriage, family, social and community life; meaning, and
sense of achievement; intellectual, emotional, and spiritual
satisfaction) far outweigh the problems that I have
experienced, am presently experiencing, and with Hashem's
help, will ever experience. As my sincere and sensitive wife
had us write on our wedding bentchers: "Ain anachnu
maspikim ..." ("We cannot thank You enough Hashem")!
When grappling with my own struggles, I often think of an
idea that I once heard from R' Chaim Dov Altusky, assistant
rosh yeshiva of Yeshivas Torah Ohr, which has
strengthened me and may do so for others as well. A Jew once
had a dream that he was clearly told from Heaven that he had
"an account to take care of," and was asked how he would like
to pay it. He was asked, "Would you like to pay it with your
health?" To this, he responded quickly, "Please Hashem, not
my health! Thank you for my health, I value it. Well, maybe
not enough, but ..." "So how about someone in the family?"
"No, that's even worse! Please Hashem, not my precious
family!" "O.K., maybe parnasa?" "Parnasa? Maybe
that's the best? But Hashem, we struggle so much as it is,
please have rachmanus!" "Nu, so how are you going to
pay already?" "How about the embarrassment that I have
received without apparently doing anything wrong which I
wrote off as "a kapara"? "Hmm, I'm not sure you've got
enough to pay for it there. O.K., if you'll promise to accept
all of your future embarrassing incidents with even greater
love of Hashem, you've got a deal?" "Thanks! It's a deal!"
This thought moved me, and I contemplated how I could apply
it. I began to think of all of the embarrassing situations,
which stemmed from lack of having received a proper Torah
education and upbringing, and was heartened by this new light
in which I could view these situations. I more frequently
caught myself when an f.f.b., or worse yet a b.t., would
snicker about something I said or did, an obvious blunder,
and I would say, "It should be a kapara! Thanks
Hashem!" Even so, I can empathize, the struggle remains.
I think we have a classic case of "not seeing the whole
story." I submitted "Dear Diary" as the second part of a
novel that I am presently writing, with Hashem's help. The
first part published two years ago in Yated under the title,
"Cold Feet on a Hot Line," is about a young college student
calling his parents from yeshiva for the first time, where he
ends up while backpacking through the Middle East. The reader
hears only his voice, and is left to imagine the reaction of
the parents. Both father and mother are presented in a
somewhat exaggerated manner. The second part, "Dear Diary,"
develops a bit more the personality of the mother; she is
clearly an "emotional" character, yet appears more "human"
and "real" when the reader meets her. The father, whom we do
not hear from, only about, remains intentionally a "dark" and
enigmatic figure. This part, actually was not intended to be
published serially, rather as one piece, but due to its
length it was impossible for Y.N. to submit it as such, and I
concurred with Y.N. to have it published serially. I realize
in retrospect that broken up over a period of longer than a
month, it makes it much harder to follow and appreciate any
subtler messages that I am trying to convey. I am currently,
with Hashem's help, writing the third part, which is the
father's side of the story making this "darker figure" much
more human. With Hashem's further (really ceaseless) help, I
hope to write a fourth part in which the main characters
interact and work out their problems, and finally a fifth
part acting as a retrospective in which the son, Irwin, now
an older, more seasoned b.t. cognizant of the "unique and
lifelong" struggles of the b.t., interacts with his own
children and reflects on his "ancient history."
One of my purposes in this work is to work on judging
favorably. By presenting the characters through the words of
others, then through their own words, the reader is given
ample opportunity to "package" and "label" the character,
then re-assess if he/she in fact judged too quickly. This
effect, while possible in a novel, I see is lost in a drawn
out serial presentation. My purpose was neither to belittle
the b.t., nor the "uninitiated" relatives, rather to have a
"workshop" on waiting until we get the whole story. I did
choose to present a "lighter" and more humorous style,
because I believe that such a style is more engaging.
Subsequent sections of the work are being treated in a "more
serious light," as both the characterization and the story
deepens. Besides passing the screening of several of the
prudent and circumspect editors at Y.N., the story was
reviewed by many readers (both new and old b.t., as well as
f.f.b.) before submission to Yated. I, Boruch Hashem,
received much positive feedback and encouragement; none of
the readers expressed feeling "belittled" by another one of
these `amusing little stories.'
I would like to express my deepest respect and gratitude to
Y.N. for "walking the editor's tightrope" between the
critical reader and the author. I feel that Y.N. was
sensitive to the reader, empathizing with the struggles, and
offering sincere emotional support. At the same time, I feel
that Y.N. was able to maintain its objectivity and "stick by
its story," not giving in to the temptation to identify
"blindly" with the reader. Thank you and +
Finally, I have a question about the "proper forum." HaRav
Nisson Wolpin, editor of the Jewish Observer, several
years ago shared the following story with a group of Ohr
Somayach yeshiva students. I will tell it over, more briefly,
and again in my own words.
Someone once approached Rabbi Wolpin with a great "scoop" on
corruption in nursing homes. He responded that he wasn't
interested. The person persisted for a little while, to no
avail. The same individual returned to the Rabbi at a later
date and said something like: "See, I was right. You blew it.
It was a great scoop, a terrific story. Someone else
published it and won the Pulitzer Prize. You could have had
it, if you had acted on it when I told you." Rabbi Wolpin's
approximate response was: "We didn't blow it. Even if we
could have won a Pulitzer, it doesn't mean it's the right
thing to do. We have a Shulchan Aruch, and it doesn't say
that the first thing you do if there are problems with a
nursing home, is write a lurid account of the place, exposing
all of its problems. There are other steps that come
first."
My question is, if the "first step" in this case was to
publicly publish a letter categorizing these pieces with the
"banal," "stereotypical," "amusing little stories?" Might not
such value judgements be delivered more appropriately and
effectively in private? I remain with a question, as perhaps
this is the price the author pays for "going public": once
the story is in the "public domain," this then becomes the
"proper forum" of discussion of the piece -- positive or
negative. I wholeheartedly agree with Y.N. that the series
was worth it just for the discussion that emerged. Even if I
found the reaction a little embarrassing, I could always
accept my own mussar and say: "Let the embarrassment
be a kapara! Thanks Hashem!!"
However, your point, that more substantial efforts should be
made to express a "deeper appreciation of the lifelong trials
and joys" of being a b.t., is well taken. Perhaps you, I, and
others, with Hashem's help, will be able to contribute to
this worthy cause, and give greater appreciation to Hashem's
Torah, and those who are striving to live by it!
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