Part I
Adapted from the book Darchei HaChaim which
includes guidance and hashkofoh in Torah, the basics
of chinuch for our times, and tips heard and recorded
from HaRav Michel Yehuda Lefkowitz.
Darchei HaChaim includes articles, instructions and
guidance for parents and educators, disseminators of Torah
and bnei yeshivos. For many years, HaRav Michel Yehuda
Lefkowitz has served as a fortress of strength for rosh
yeshivas and disseminators of Torah, parents, educators, and
the general community of bnei Torah, in Israel and the
Diaspora, teaching daas Torah and pure
hashkofoh for all areas of life and giving guidance in
the chinuch path handed down from generation to generation,
all benefiting from his advice and resources. The
sefer contains hundreds of instructions and briefings
in all areas of life, touching on many very relevant
educational problems of our times, all directly from one of
the outstanding gedolim of the generation.
He Who Withholds the Rod Hates His Son
Said HaRav Lefkowitz: I was once sitting in my home and I
heard sounds coming from one of the nearby houses, of a
father meting out heavy blows to his son. The son was
screaming "No, stop!" as the father kept on striking him . .
. if I would have had the strength, I would have gone up to
that house and told the father that that is no way to
educate!
There was a story told of the Chazon Ish who heard that a
certain person was beating his older son very hard, and he
sent a message to him asking why he was hitting his son in
such a manner. The person replied that he had asked his son
to do something and he had not listened. The Chazon Ish said
to him: "Never mind. If he does not want to do it, let him
not do it. You do not hit like that!"
Mori Verabbi (HaRav Lefkowitz) added: "I knew that man. All
of his sons left the path of Torah. A son like
that—whose father beats him mercilessly—will
never accept anything from his father!"
The story is told of how one of the gedolim would
educate his child: When he needed to punish him, for there
are times when the "rod" is needed, he would first say:
Hineni muchon umezumon lekayeim mitzvas chosech shivto
sonei beno! (I am preparing to fulfill the mitzvah of
`one who withholds the rod hates his son'). We can easily
imagine what kind of "rod" he got. If the father goes about
it in such a manner—he will definitely not fail.
For sure, children nowadays are more spoiled. In our times we
never heard of such things. People had nothing and did not
ask for anything. Now everyone wants to have the things that
once only the rich used to want. But hitting out of anger
— not only will it not bring benefits, it does actual
damage.
Love and Encouragement on the Part of Parents
In a certain yeshiva, one of the largest in Israel, there was
a problem with a bochur who had deteriorated in terms
of his hashkofoh, and had all kinds of distorted
opinions. He was beset with doubts over the principles of
faith, and had a strong desire for secular knowledge, and he
would walk around with all kinds of heretical books. HaRav
Lefkowitz spent a great deal of time talking to him and
trying to help him. HaRav Lefkowitz later told the Rosh
Yeshiva that the main problem with the bochur was that
he had not received any encouragement and love in his home,
and that had caused his thinking to become distorted.
This is an important lesson for parents to learn on how
important it is to give love and encouragement. For HaRav
Lefkowitz, the very foundation and essence of the
dissemination of Torah and making an impact on young people
is the love and encouragement given by parents, and the
relationship with talmidim built on love and
encouragement. Every single talmid who went to him
felt his immense love and affection which made them want to
toil in Torah. (From the writings of one of the major rosh
yeshivas.)
In our Generation—the Main Thing is Love and a Close
Relationship
(More from the writings of one of the major rosh yeshivas.)
The first time we went to HaRav Lefkowitz' home it was to
discuss with him the major problems that had arisen once
again about bochurim who had once been very dedicated
falling into the clutches of the yetzer hora in
particular being drawn away by cell phones and the Internet.
There were also major problems with yeshiva boys going out
into the streets of the city to places where there was
immorality. We discussed ways of handling these problems, and
the Rov repeatedly stressed that one of the main roots of the
problem is the relationship of the maggidei shiurim
with their talmidim. What often happens is that a
bochur learning in yeshiva hears a shiur and
does not properly understand it, because the teacher orients
his presentation to the better students and frequently does
not treat the simpler students well, nor explain things
sufficiently for their abilities.
When the bochur does not understand the shiur,
and especially if no attention is given to his
problem—he loses his interest in the first learning
seder of the day, especially nowadays when they cover
only a minimal amount of ground and he is unable to grasp the
depth of the sugya. Once he loses his interest in his
studies, the yetzer hora finds its way to his heart
and entices him to the dreadful streets.
HaRav Lefkowitz emphasized the ram's obligation not
only to explain to each student and make sure that every
bochur finds his place in the shiur but also to
build a close relationship with him, and to give him a lot of
encouragement and love. HaRav Lefkowitz felt that it was
detrimental for a ram to just end his shiur and
go home, and not to work with students nor build up a
relationship with them on an individual basis. He maintained
that the main focus in our generation has to be the close
relationship of love and affection between the talmid
and his rebbe, for that is what maintains the
spirituality of the talmid.
Therefore, the teacher has to build a close relationship with
his talmidim so that they see that he is genuinely
concerned about them, and he should also encourage them,
strengthen them and make them feel that they can reach
greater heights, for the bochurim often lose faith in
their own abilities to get to the depth of the sugya,
keep up with the learning, and make chiddushim.
Kabboloh of a Bar Mitzvah Boy
On the question of what a boy about to become bar mitzva
should take upon himself, the Rov told one father: the
mitzvah of kibbud av va'eim.
Sometime later, the father told HaRav Lefkowitz that he had
heard from HaRav Kanievsky in the name of his father, the
Steipler Gaon, that he should take upon himself one mitzvah
that he should never transgress under any circumstances,
based on the words of the Yerushalmi, Kiddushin (the
first chapter), ". . . Mi sheyicheid lo mitzvoh velo ovar
oleho miyomov, uve'eizo mitzvo omru? Kegone kibbud av
va'eim" (. . . one who takes upon himself a mitzvah and
never transgresses it throughout his life. And what mitzvah
were they referring to? For example, honoring one's
parents.)
The Rov derived much enjoyment from this, and added: "And why
did I say to take upon yourself the mitzva of kibbud av
va'eim? Because that way the boy can accept from his
parents whatever they have to give him, and then he will
shteig and grow to greatness!
A Young Boy Can Comprehend Like an Older Person
The Rov told the following story: When HaRav Meir HaLevi
Soloveitchik, the son of the Brisker Rov, turned bar mitzvah,
he gave his droshoh on the subject of Kiddush
haChodesh on the Rambam, and at the time people asked the
Brisker Rav how a boy could say a shtickel Torah on
such complicated topics at such a young age.
The Rav replied: You should know that a young boy can
understand everything, just the way an older person can. A
person, for his part, just needs to know how to give it over.
But as for the recipient, he can absorb and grasp it all . .
. "
When the subject came up of which chapter to study in a
yeshiva ketanoh, whether it should be hard or easy,
the Rov said that there was no difference [as far as the
difficulty]. The boys were able to absorb everything. The
main thing was for the maggid shiur to have sufficient
clarity in the subject to give it over in a clear enough
fashion.
When the Sound of Torah is Heard in the Home
HaRav Yosef Dinkels told me that in the kollel of
Kovna in Slobodka there was a certain regular practice among
the avreichim, gedolim and rabbis who learned there,
that each would take a turn to give over a shiur
specifically in his own house. Each would prepare
refreshments, and the discussions that took place were
enormous.
HaRav Dovid Rappaport, author of Mikdash Dovid, writes
in one of his introductions that it was in that kollel
that he merited to achieve straight thinking. HaRav
Dinkels also said that one of the reasons they had decided
that the shiur be given in the homes of avreichim
was due to the importance of and need for Torah to be
heard in the homes.
This regulation was made under the guidance of the Alter of
Slobodka.
Avreichim need to make sure that the sound of Torah is
heard in their homes. When Torah is heard in the
home—the Shechina rests there, and when the
sound of Torah reverberates in the home, the whole chinuch
will be different. There will be modesty in the home and
the sons and daughters will be properly educated.
When little children see that their father sits and learns,
that he is constantly occupied with his learning and has no
time to waste—one minute the Tosafos has to be
checked, next minute the Shulchan Oruch has to be
looked into—they will be well-educated, the derech
eretz will be stronger, and there will be a great
appreciation for such a husband and father who is always
involved in his Torah learning.
The Torah Connects
HaRav said: "Our Sages said (Sota 2:1), kosheh zivugo shel
odom kekriyas Yam Suf (It is as hard to make a
shidduch as to split the Red Sea). Why is it so
difficult? The reason is because it is hard to unite two
different minds into one unit.
Yet we find that at the time that we received the Torah
everyone came together "as one person with one heart." Was
that also in the category of a miracle, that everyone was of
one mind?
However it seems that what was difficult in terms of a
person's shidduch — that it was like the
splitting of the Red Sea—was before matan Torah
or in houses not built on a Torah foundation. From
matan Torah onwards - - when there is only one goal of
Torah, it is really not difficult, because the Torah can
unite even totally opposing views.
End of Part 1 of 3
