Following the days of Sefiras HaOmer, we continue to
aim at upgrading our respect for our fellow man, by becoming
more sensitive through everyday speech.
There is a particularly sly and cunning form of ono'as
dvorim, inflicting pain through speech, that has caused
me no end of heartache, both as the speaker and the receiver.
One could never imagine that this type of speech could exist
among such a fine group of frum women, but lack of
sensitivity and forethought are the causes of the insidious
and sometimes devastating CASUAL COMMENT.
What is a casual comment? Example: your sister sends you an
outfit for your baby and you tell her it's the wrong size.
Your neighbor knocks on your door to bring you a piece of
cake and you tell her she woke you up. Your husband or child
makes a special trip to the grocery for a particular item you
requested, and you immediately inform them that they got the
wrong item, or that the other brand is half the price. Any
one of the above replies can stop a person in their tracks,
take the wind out of their sails and deflate their ego like a
runaway balloon. Did you think that in most of these cases, a
simple thank you would suffice?
Living as close together as many of us do, and very often
depending on each other like family members might, it is very
often a king-sized effort to maintain the proper decorum
amongst each other that is so necessary to keep the wheels of
sholom running smoothly. When we try to understand,
for example, why R' Akiva's students died for not honoring
one another sufficiently, it becomes easier when we realize
that they were so close and united that the problem was
equivalent to the right arm of a person not honoring his left
arm. When we are too close to people, we can sometimes forget
the basic decencies, and that no matter how nice and friendly
people are, everyone can get their feelings hurt.
I once attended a shiur by Rebbetzin Samet where she
suggested keeping a `Sholom Fund' in order to avoid arguments
with taxi drivers and storekeepers who you suspect might be
overcharging you. What's wrong with keeping a sholom
box for all these rejects that you can pass on with
discretion or return to the grocery, yourself, at a
convenient time? Replenish it with the kind remarks that you
unexpectedly receive and are grateful for.
As a sometimes stressed, overwhelmed, sleep-deprived mother,
I realize that it is very, very difficult for us to keep our
heads about us all the time. But if we remember that that
knock or phone call that woke us up was `from Heaven' and a
special exercise-opportunity to practice this type of
sensitivity, we will be giving Hashem plenty of nachas
and bring Moshiach closer every day. Isn't this what we would
like to see our own children practice with one another?
Some people who heard me voice this idea thought that being
practical about the matter at hand was more important than
considering the other person's feelings (after all, they did
pay three shekel more for the identical item, etc.). I
strongly disagree. In the next world, the kind and graceful
word you offered in the face of your own disappointment will
far outweigh in importance the proper sized garment, much
needed nap or correctly purchased item you felt it was so
important to defend.
*
An extension of this very thought - lack of sensitivity in
a very delicate area
MAZEL TOV???
by Esther Ochs
It is closing in on a year since the wedding and the young
couple senses people talking behind their backs, or talking
to them differently. They feel the pitying looks and the
pressure builds up.
Having lived through this situation for the first three years
of my marriage, I would like to express some of my feelings.
We wanted to be treated and spoken to as you would to any of
your other good friends and relatives who do have
children.
Why all this talk? Things were fine until everyone made us
feel they weren't. Hashem has His own time schedule and each
person must go through their own maze of life's trials and
tribulations. Just like with shidduchim.
We are not nebich cases, so don't make us feel like we
are or that we should be leading sad, depressed,
deprived lives. We aren't. And don't shy away from us. We
need the support and friendship of friends and relatives, but
done, of course, in the correct manner, with affection and
understanding. Believe it or not, most of us can cope with
life very well, are happily married and might even be very
happy with life in general. Praying for us is the
biggest help. Prayers are not turned away emptyhanded. If not
answered today, then tomorrow or next year. Or those selfsame
prayers might help for a different friend.
But you needn't go around letting everyone know, including
`me'. And if you have `good news' to share, don't ignore me.
The sister-in-law of a friend of mine called her up quite
early with her good news and asked her not to tell others,
yet. The friend was genuinely happy for her and glad to have
been taken into her confidence. And when you start putting on
those maternity clothes, don't suddenly shy away from us. How
do you think we feel when we see you crossing to the other
side of the street to avoid us? Second class at best.
It is no secret that the kibud of kvater at a
bris is often offered to childless couples since it is
known to be a segula for children. This can be an
embarrassing situation, all the more so when an unthinking
person comes along, like one woman did, and asks, "Oh, so
you're the kvater? How long have you been married?"
Another example of the casual, thoughtless remark is the
following conversation that actually took place:
Sheini, who is married several years without children and
living in Eretz Yisroel, was telling Chani how her mother was
excited that she would finally be coming back to the States
to visit for yom tov.
"Oh, really?" said Chani. "my mother also said she was
extremely excited about our coming `home' for yom tov.
But I thought that was because she hasn't seen our new baby
yet. But maybe you're right. I guess every mother is excited
to see every child."
And another very callous conversation:
"Hello, how are you?"
"Boruch Hashem, fine."
"I hope you don't mind my asking (!) but are you
expecting?"
"No. Why do you ask?"
"Well, you seemed a bit sluggish lately, so I was
wondering..."
The answerer had the presence to just laugh and hang up with
a murmured comment. But what had the caller thought? Had she
not realized that there was a 50% chance that the answer
might be `no'? Or that if there had been good news that the
young woman might have wanted - or not wanted - to let her
know?
Another conversation involved a woman who, having waited for
many years, was finally expecting and had to take a leave of
absence from her job under doctor's orders. A `friend' of
hers commented, "Oh, you can probably afford to stop working.
You must have a lot of money saved up from all those years of
work..." Little did she imagine how much money had been spent
visiting doctors - only to hear that `everything is fine; you
just have to bide your time.'
If you think that you can offer advice that a childless
couple does not already know - do it in a caring but not
inquisitive way. Even parents must learn to be discreet.
Parental interference can be very damaging. The best help
they can offer is financial. To enable the couple to visit
another expert in the field...
One must learn to accept whatever Hashem metes out to us and
to realize that it is for our best. I thought of my own
marriage and looked at it in this light. Marriage itself is
an entire new life that one must work on for it to succeed.
Life proceeds in stages, and not everyone is ready for the
next stage at the same pace. Rashi tells us that Yitzchok
Ovinu did not even begin praying for children for the first
ten years, as did Avrohom Ovinu. How are we to know when the
ripe time comes for us, when the added maturity of waiting
has ripened us sufficiently and enabled us to better
appreciate Hashem's gift?
We must be patient and pray - whether for ourselves or for
others. Hashem does know what is right, but it is up to us to
relate to the situation in a meaningful way, to become
sensitive to ourselves and others, and to grow from it as
best we can.
