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IN-DEPTH FEATURES
The third book of the Chumash begins with the word
Vayikra. Rashi explains the meaning of a call: "All
utterances, sayings, and commands were preceded by a call of
endearment." That is the order that should be followed: First
of all a call of endearment, and then the commands. As
parents, educators and members of society we are expected to
speak, say, and command. It is very easy to fail and start
with anger instead of that "call of endearment!" How can we
get over the middoh of anger? How should we act with
regard to this middoh when it comes to our children
and students? Why is it so terrible to get angry? A
fascinating conversation with the famous educator and
mashgiach, HaRav Noach Orlowek.
*
As a first warning, `Gavriel' made do with a light bang on
the table. In his opinion, that was sufficient to quiet down
the two worshipers who were enjoying an idle conversation in
the shul. But it did not help. Gavriel knocked harder on the
table, and when that did not help either, he was forced to
boom into space a `Nu!' There was no mistaking that.
But the two were obviously engrossed in an interesting
conversation, for it was as if Gavriel was speaking to thin
air. Gavriel knew that he was right, and he was not about to
back down. `Nu!' he yelled, and the two chatterers
were finally roused. One blushed, put his finger on his
temple and twirled it a little. Gavriel breathed hard,
motioned with his hand towards the door, and yelled: "Out!"
When that did not help he shouted again:"Ou . . . u.. u.. t!
No talking in here!"
Did Gavriel act correctly when he was angry? In the following
lines we will try to relate to this question, and to other
questions pertaining to the subject of anger in the home, in
learning institutions and in society. (As far as Gavriel's
case is concerned, the issue we will deal with is only the
anger, without going into other concerns about shaming
others, and so on.)
We spoke with the well-known educator and mashgiach,
HaRav Noach Orlowek. Many talmidim have studied under
him, and many more people all over the world have been
influenced by his book series, Discipline with
Love.
His new book Keshoshannoh Bein Hachochim (Like a Rose
Among Thorns) has recently been published, which teaches us
how in our times we can raise a pure Jewish child, a
shoshannoh — bein hachochim, despite the
street and its influences.
*
Regarding the middoh of anger, what should Gavriel have
done?
First, we have to go into what set Gavriel off. Was he angry
about the honor of Heaven being profaned? It is a bit hard to
believe. To get angry purely for the honor of Heaven is not
an easy level to reach. It rarely happens.
The Chofetz Chaim was always amazed about why people keep
many mitzvos so calmly, but when it comes to the mitzvah of
reproving others, they do it with anger.
That is because we reprove others when they disturb us!
This is clearly brought down in Keser Rosh 60 143, as
follows: "Reproof. Not to speak harshly, since harsh words
are not heard unless they are said using soft language. And
if it is absolutely not in his nature to speak with gentle
words, then he is exempt from [the mitzvah of] reproving."
Whoever is inclined to get angry is exempt from the mitzvah
of reproving, since he is to a certain extent like a sick
person who is unable to fulfill a mitzvah. To reprove a
person, and influence him, you have to love him. Otherwise
you cannot help him.
And if we start from the premise that his anger does stem
from kovod Shomayim, would it then be appropriate to get
angry?
No. There is no reason to get angry. Anger never helps,
because an angry person is never heard. Do we really need to
consider why Gavriel got angry? He probably got angry because
they did not listen to him. Or because he thought they would
not listen to him. He asked for quiet and they did not
comply, or in a similar, previous case, they had not listened
to him. They hurt his pride. That is usually what triggers
anger.
If we assume that he got angry for kvod Shomayim, then
we should check whether he gets angry over every situation
where kvod Shomayim is desecrated, or only when he
himself is involved.
It is written that Pinchas merited "My Covenant peace," as a
reward for his zealousness. Why? Because shalom lies
at the root of zealousness. Zealousness derives from love of
others!
I once heard from the Mashgiach HaRav Shlomo Wolbe that
zealousness has to come from pain. Reuven loves Shimon, and
when he sees that Shimon goes astray spiritually, it hurts
him. When this kind of zealousness is involved, it means that
Reuven would probably not get angry but would behave in the
way Pinchas did when he merited `My Covenant peace.'
Why should genuine pain not arouse anger?
Because when it really hurts, you look for solutions to the
problem and anger does not solve any problem. You cannot
influence a person when you are angry. Anger does not help
and a person who is hurting wants to help!
There is a principle that a person cannot contain two
different feelings at one time. A pain that derives from
compassion does not go together with anger. When you discover
that someone has bad middos, are you supposed to get
angry with him? No. You are supposed to feel compassion for
him! He has no life, no friends, really nothing at all!
A person with bad middos lives in a dark world, and I
will explain why with a story: My teacher and rebbe, HaRav
Simcha Wasserman, once wanted to buy a used car. Before
purchasing it, he wanted to take the car to a technician to
check what condition it was in. The salesman asked him, "How
do I know that you are not planning to steal the car?"
My Rebbe did not care for this question and he started to
reflect that if he thinks I am a thief—maybe he is a
thief? So he decided to check the car's status with the
police. It turned out that the car was stolen. The
salesman was suspected of a theft because, "a person that
charges others may be charging them with his own defects."
A person with bad middos lives in a dark world because
he suspects that everyone else is like him . . . the choice
is ours whether to be angry with such a person, or to feel
compassion for him!
When Gavriel sees someone talking in shul, he does not have
to get angry. If he is able to rectify the situation, he
should do so. But to get angry?
Let us not forget that the person who is chattering in shul
will pay dearly for his action, Rachmono litzlan.
Gavriel's zealousness is supposed to be rooted in pain and
compassion, and how much should we feel for a person who
cannot refrain from speaking in shul!
*
When is it permissible for an educator to put on a
pretense of anger — what we call superficial
anger?
Only once or twice a year. Using superficial anger is like
using antibiotics: if you use it a lot, its impact lessens.
But if we up the dosage—then obviously it is not a
solution.
It is very important to use this anger only very sparingly.
Otherwise the student will just presume that the rebbe has a
bad temper . . . and then the anger will have no effect on
him.
However, before using superficial anger, you have to grasp
one major principle: if you want to apply pressure within the
framework of human relationships, you have to first make sure
that the relationship is strong, and that the foundations of
love and trust have been already built.
First of all, you have to build mutual trust. Then you can
put pressure on the person and still preserve the bond
between you. If the relationship is based on trust, then no
matter how much pressure and friction there is, the link will
not be broken. Before you get angry with a student—
even if the anger is put on — you have to build a
relationship of trust and love. The student has to know that
the mechanech loves him, and then he can respond
correctly to the anger.
The Sefas Emes has a discussion (at the beginning of
parshas Mikeitz) which explains how the first seven
years of plenty precede the seven years of famine in a
person's life. You have to start with the `plenty' before you
can utilize the `famine.'
Beyom tovoh, heyei betov (when the days are good,
enjoy the good), says King Shlomo in Koheles (7:14),
since these years are a preparation for "the bad days" that
come later. If you do not have the years of plenty precede
the bad years, things will be very difficult later on.
So, if the student feels that the mechanech loves him,
when he raises his voice he will interpret it as an
expression of love, "The rebbe loves me." But if the voice is
raised and there is no groundwork of love and care preceding
it, the child will not interpret it correctly.
Another important point—you have to respect the
student. I do not mean that you have to get up for him when
he comes into the classroom, but that when the student says
something respond with respect.
When a mechanech remembers something the talmid
had told him—"Oh! The other day you told me about
that," he is relaying the message: "You are important to
me!"
When a child knows that the mechanech respects him,
then when the mechanech raises his voice the talmid
will see it as his way of caring: "He is shouting at me
because he cares."
When we say that it is osur to get angry, the idea is
not that we should be indifferent to the actions of a child
or a talmid. The problem with indifference is that the
student or child could come to think that the mechanech
or parent does not care about him. We have to keep in
mind that anger is a dangerous tool, especially today when
the generations have become weaker.
Could it be that anger today is more harmful today than it
was twenty years ago?
For sure. And I will prove it with the following example:
For years I have been going overseas to train teachers in
Jewish communities worldwide. In the past I always tried to
bring home to the rebbes how a talmid feels as a
talmid by using the following method. At a teacher's
training course in South America (for example), I gave a
group of rebbes a gemora translated into English, and
I asked them to learn with it.
I made comments even to the ones who knew English and were
able to read it, that their pronunciation was not up to par.
In America I gave the rebbes a gemora translated into
Spanish.
I put the rebbes into a position in which the assignment was
over their heads and then, when they failed, I shot angry
looks at them. My aim was to vividly demonstrate to the rebbe
a scenario in which any talmid might find himself.
Up until fifteen years ago I was still able to demonstrate
the point using the technique I described. But fifteen years
ago I started to notice that some of the rebbes were insulted
by it!
Now let us go back and see what we are talking about: Here is
a situation in which the rebbes knew very well that I had
come to teach something specific and they were fully aware
that it was all an act. Yet some of them still got insulted
by the very demonstration of an angry response. So just
imagine how bad a child must feel when the scenario is played
out for real on him!
It is true that there are situations when a teacher needs to
strongly rebuke his talmidim, but even so we need to
be aware of how a student feels! Therefore, if a rebbe is
sensitive to the feelings of a talmid and respects
him, he will use anger only as necessary, i.e., only on rare
occasions, and then only when the talmid will accept
it in the right way.
*
How should we relate to temper on the part of
children?
It is worth noting the following: Why does a child get angry?
Because on previous occasions he screamed and yelled and was
given whatever he wanted, even if grudgingly. Well, actually
we are talking about a normal stage that every child goes
through.
Up to a certain age an infant cries when he needs something.
That is normal up till the age of one, of one-and-a-half. He
is hungry, so he screams. Something disturbs him so he cries
— and so on. Up to a certain age this happens
naturally.
But at a certain point the toddler realizes that screaming is
an excellent method of getting what he wants!
From then on, his screaming is more deliberate than natural.
But there is no mother in the world who can pinpoint that
moment when the screams switch from being natural to being
deliberate. The mother continues giving the child what he
wants without sensing that by now his crying is an art. By
the time she catches on, the child has already become
spoiled.
This happens with every child. The only question is how to
react. The first rule to keep in mind is: Do not give the
child what he wants when he is angry. The child has to learn
that it is not worth his while to get angry.
What actually causes a child to have a temper
tantrum?
There are two points to examine here: a) Let us try to
understand what anger really is. Anger is frustration. The
anger expresses the gap between the desired situation and the
existing situation. A reasonable person could size up the
situation as a whole, and conclude that there is no need to
get angry. But a child is incapable of taking a broad view of
the situation. He feels hungry, tired, he cannot bear it any
more — and he loses his temper.
The author of the Sheim MiShmuel defined the
difference between a child and an adult like this: In a child
the emotion is paramount, whereas in an adult there is a
unification of the mind and the emotions. The word
echod has the gematria of 13, and it symbolizes
the unification of the mind and the emotions which occurs
among those who have passed the age of 13.
One of the differences between the mind and the emotions is
that the mind knows that there is a future and it remembers
that there was a past. But the emotions only see the present.
When a person has a moment of awakening, he becomes certain
that the moment will stay with him for ever. That is the
power of the emotions—the present!
We have to realize that a child is always living in a state
of the present. His whole reality is only this moment! When a
child lacks something he becomes an ausmensch (a
subhuman). A child is either perfectly happy or a complete
ausmensch. Why? Because he always lives in the
present.
Two months ago, a respected American Jew was involved in an
accident. He lost consciousness and had to be hospitalized.
His 4 or 5 year old child managed to digest the fact that his
father was not at home, that he was sick. But one thing broke
him more than anything else. When his mother took him to the
hospital and he talked to his father, his father obviously
could not answer him since he was unconscious.
When the boy left the hospital he told his mother: "Daddy
does not love me!"
A child does not see the whole picture. He only knows that if
he talks to his daddy and his daddy does not answer it means
that daddy is angry.
b) Besides that, a child is not affected by intellectual
arguments, only emotional ones. Let us take an extreme
example. Once we had a mazel tov when a new
granddaughter was born. We went to Shaarei Zedek Hospital and
sat with the baby in the room. Her mother left the room for a
few moments and the baby cried. I picked her up and then I
considered that I had two options to calm her down. The first
was to explain to the infant that her mother would be back in
a few moments, and in the meantime it would be better for her
to keep quiet for a few minutes because it disturbs people,
and in addition we would buy her whatever she wanted.
Did these arguments and logical suggestions convince her to
stop crying? Obviously not.
On the other hand, I could pick up the baby, radiate joy and
calm, and she would calm down. We talked to the baby, but an
infant's language is only emotional.
That being so, a child who is exposed to situations where
there is anger will be very powerfully affected by it. A
child does not hear the content of the words—since he
only speaks the language of emotion. He hears only how they
are said. When a child sees anger in the house, and he sees
his father choliloh very aggravated, it leaves an
indelible impression on him!
Is there a way of controlling or preventing temper
tantrums among children, or do you only have to calm them
down when the need arises?
First, let us analyze why the anger bursts out, and later we
will discuss how to prevent this.
When a child has a tantrum, you have to take a look at when
the tantrums generally occur. Do they happen at certain times
or in certain situations: When he is hungry? When a younger
brother or a certain adult come in the room? When he comes
home from cheder?
(Incidentally, Rabbeinu Yonah speaks of how, when a child
comes home from cheder he needs compassion. That is,
at the end of a long day of studies he is exhausted and needs
to be greeted with a smile of encouragement, and so on.)
Give him a little attention, and that way you can `grab' the
right moment, and that is how you will be able to put in the
preparation work for the bad times.
You have to take the time — like a week, or two weeks.
Keep track of things and mark down when the child has an
outburst. You will usually be able to see that the tantrums
occur at specific times or in specific situations, and that
way you can get to the root of the problem and solve it.
In my book, My Child My Disciple, I brought down a
story in the name of HaRav Menachem Weldler zt"l:
"Yankele's behavior was really mysterious. In the mornings he
was the perfect student. He listened and behaved well, and
did well in his studies. But in the afternoons he could not
concentrate and was a dreadful student.
"After an investigation, the truth came out. It was not that
Yankel did not want to concentrate: he could not. Yankel's
mother was unusually hot-tempered. There were days when she
welcomed him with warmth and a smile. And then there were
other days when she would greet him with anger and hostility.
Therefore, Yankel spent the whole afternoon worrying about
what kind of welcome he would get that day when he got
home."
In this story it is obvious that something mysterious was
going on, since Yankel behaved wonderfully in the morning and
only in the afternoons was he a dreadful student. But we
always need to ask the question: Why? When does a child lose
his temper, and what causes it to happen? You cannot solve
the problem with a superficial comment, like, "He is
spoiled." You have to ask: Why?
In many cases, you can get to the reasons behind it.
When you cannot pinpoint the reason for the outburst, then
even if you punish the child and that subdues his
rage—the child will remain embittered. One day he will
take revenge and then we could lose him forever. So, it is
very important to follow up on things and ask: Why? Why is he
so angry? What makes his lose his temper?
How do we prevent outbursts of anger?
The child has to really feel that he can speak up and that it
is okay for him to express himself. When a child is able to
express himself freely, he does not need to get angry.
It is important to talk to children of all ages, but it is
most important to listen to them.
Maybe the child will take advantage of this approach and talk
too much . . . but that is better than having a child who
talks too little.
You need to open up a conversation with him: What's
happening? How was your day? Did something happen to upset
you? What made you happy today? What made you feel good?
The main thing is that the child talks and the parents hear
him out and listen to him. A child who is used to talking has
less chance of having temper outbursts. He can talk things
out, so why would he need to get angry and yell?
A child has to know that he can always talk. That he will
never lose out by talking. There was a child of 11 who
stopped talking completely. She was the youngest in the
house, and her parents were about 40 years older than she,
and they were not in the habit of conversing freely with her.
They figured they already had enough experience in raising
children and educating them to know what she needed.
I advised the parents to ask her: "What do you think we
should buy for dessert for Shabbos?"
And an amazing thing happened: The child opened her mouth and
told them what they should buy!
How do we explain such a phenomenon? Well, as time went on
the girl got used to the fact that it simply did not pay for
her to talk. It hurts to talk and to have no one hear you.
That is why it is so important to listen and show empathy,
even if we only manage to solve one percent of the problem
that has come up.
Why is it that the first word that an infant says is usually
`imma?' Because when he says that word he is
immediately rewarded by a warm response. He quickly learns
that it is worth his while to say, `imma'! If he says
a word that is meaningless, or a word that Imma does not
understand, he will not get the same response.
This principle holds true for every age: A child talks when
he gets a response, when he feels that people care. And when
he can talk he will not need to get angry. Anger is nothing
but frustration which is caused by a child having no other
outlet. Consequently, he is forced to extremes. But when a
child is in the habit of talking, he can verbally release
what he feels deep down. The chances of such a child having
an outburst become gradually lessened.
*
To sum up: Can you give us some practical advice on how to
refrain from anger?
One of the remedies for the trait of anger is to get used to
living with a broader picture of the whole situation. Our
Sages bring down that the Shabbos candles were instituted for
shalom bayis. You could say a derherr
(interesting comment) here.
When a person touches an object and he is sitting in a dark
room, he can think that that object is all his world, because
he cannot feel any other object and he cannot see anything.
But when the lights are switched on, all at once he will
realize that the object is only one small part of the
totality of objects that are in his room.
The light of the Shabbos candles symbolizes a visualization
of the totality. When a person gets angry over something, if
he would only broaden his vision and see the whole picture he
would be able to see the good in the situation as well. A
person who gets used to seeing the picture in its entirety
will not reach the point of anger so quickly.
One parent told me that his child comes home from cheder
every day and complains about his rebbe. I advised the parent
to tell the child that he is willing to listen to all his
complaints, on condition that he also talks about a good
thing he sees in his rebbe. After a day or two, the
complaints stopped because the boy began to notice good
things about the rebbe as well!
I like to suggest an exercise for anger: When you say the
birchos hashachar take a deeper look and see the whole
picture: You are standing erect. You can see. You are a Jew!
You are grateful to the Almighty for all these things, and
you automatically comprehend that whatever it is that made
you angry is a tiny speck in the totality of all the good
things.
You have a family. You are healthy — and something
small happened. Nu . . . don't take it so hard. It is only a
small part of the picture in its entirety. A person who gets
used to feeling gratitude for everything he has every
morning, will not be devastated when something aggravating
happens to him.
*
HaRav Dessler explains why "worry in a person's heart
overheats him," since the emotions are defined as hot and the
mind is defined as cold. When a person expresses his worry
verbally, he washes away his worry in a stream of cold water.
The stormy feelings are cooled through words that originate
in the mind, and the worry automatically decreases.
Sometimes when you get very angry with someone, one piece of
advice that works is to write him a letter expressing all the
things you have against him—but don't send it off! Just
transferring the stormy emotions into written words cools
down the anger. Then you can throw the letter away.
*
When someone is angry with you, stop right away and think how
to prevent his anger from continuing. Think what set his
anger off, and what you can do to neutralize his anger.
Often, it means that you offended him in some way. When
Yaakov Ovinu sent messengers to Eisov he told him, Vayehi
li shor vechamor, tzon, vegomer (I had ox and ass, flock,
etc.).
The question is asked: Why, at such a critical time, did
Yaakov boast about his extensive possessions?
Rashi's interpretation of this posuk is that Yaakov
intended to tell Eisov that their father Yitzchok in his
brochoh had promised him, mital haShomayim
umishmanei ho'oretz" (the dew of the heavens and the fat
of the earth), but Yaakov's possessions were neither from the
heavens nor from the earth.
In other words, Yaakov Ovinu was trying to pacify Eisov's
fury at having his blessings taken away. He was attempting to
show that he had really not benefited from the blessings and
so there was no need for him to be angry.
Yaakov Ovinu had thought about what was the source for
Eisov's anger, and he was attempting to neutralize the anger
at its source. When you try to understand what is going on in
another person's head, it is easier to assuage his anger.
Anger usually comes from pride. A person gets angry when
things do not happen the way he would have wanted. He feels
he was not respected as he should have been and that makes
him more angry.
When a person is angry with you, it is usually because you
have hurt his pride. When Yaakov speaks to Lovon, and also
when he directs the messengers that he sent to Eisov, he
answers, al rishon, rishon. Ve'al acharon acharon
(first things first and last things last) (see Rashi,
Bereishis 31:31 and 32:19).
What do we see here? It is a way of speaking to someone with
the aim of pacifying his anger which comes from pride. I am
listening to your words, and I am responding in the order
that you have spoken: first things first and last things
last. Obviously, you are important to me. This assuages the
feelings of hurt pride. And that is how we have to always
behave: we have to find what is causing the other person to
get angry and neutralize that cause.
*
One of the remedies for anger is recognizing that we do not
own the world. Only a person who feels he owns the world gets
angry when things do not work out the way he wanted.
I heard from HaRav Avigdor Miller that this is the
explanation of the posuk (Bereishis 49:7), Orur
apom ki oz . . . achalkeim beYaakov (cursed be their
wrath for it is fierce . . . I shall divide them in Jacob).
The tikkun for anger is achalkeim beYaakov.
Anger comes from pride, from the need to be in control. A
guest, for example, knows that he is not in control, so he is
less likely to get angry. Do you feel angry? Do you feel you
own the world? You will be sent to stay by other people!
Rabbi Tzodok HaCohen says that the tikkun for an
accidental murderer is golus, since murder derives
from anger. If he would not have fallen prey to anger, he
would not have come to murder by accident. Only a person who
feels that he has to be in control will get angry.
A person has to realize that the world is not his. He is a
guest of the Ribono Shel Olom and all guests get by in
the end. A person just has to learn to swallow things in life
that are not so pleasant . . .
Many years ago, the author, HaRav Avrohom Yellin from
Wengrove wrote the work Erech Apayim. In his
introduction to the work, the author relates how because of
his innate nature he was forced to battle with the middoh
of anger: "It has been many years since Hashem gave me
the idea of correcting it, and so I struggled and toiled with
it, using seforim and investigations in order to
understand the reasons behind it and how to correct it . . .
there is no greater wisdom than that of the experienced and
yogati umotzosi ta'amin."
The sefer discusses various suggestions on how to
fight anger. We have compiled ten of them here:
A) Anyone who wishes to correct this middoh should let
his acquaintances know that he is working on himself in this
area, and consequently he will be embarrassed to get angry in
front of them.
B) It is brought down in the holy seforim that silence
and speaking softly assuage anger.
C) A person should take upon himself not to get angry before
he fills his mouth with water for five minutes.
D) So as not to fail by really getting angry when a person
puts up a pretense of anger, it is better for him to wait
some time after his decision to get angry before implementing
his plan.
E) The Shloh Hakodosh brings in his book a segulah to
get rid of anger: a person should grab on to the corner of
his garment together with the tzitzis hanging on the
corner.
F) A person should set aside time to contemplate the vanities
of this world on a daily basis.
G) Remember that a person who overlooks other people's faults
will have his own sins overlooked.
H) In the Sefer Chareidim it is written that a person
should think: Can it be that someone who lost one coin should
break a vessel that is worth a thousand coins because of his
rage? (That is, the damage he causes himself because of his
anger is a thousand times more than the thing that made him
angry.)
I) In the Sefer Hamiddos it is written that a person
should get into the habit of eating breakfast.
J) A person should rebuke his friend for what the friend did
to him that he did not like, so that the friend will
apologize to him and his anger will abate.
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