Part I
What do you say to a new mother who has just given birth to a
baby with Down's syndrome? What kind of Mazel Tov do you
give? What do you say to a parent who has just lost a
child?
"For good and empathetic communication, we are required to
understand the other person — where he is at that
moment, according to the messages that he's transmitting:
acceptance, introversion, denial, and to go with whatever
fits him," professionals explain.
Devorah felt mired in an uncomfortable muddy swamp. The
atmosphere around the table at the wedding was heavy and
loaded. Next to her sat Mrs. G, who had recently married off
her daughter, but the marriage had fallen apart. Devorah
wondered whether to mention the younger daughter who had gone
through a crisis or to remain silent. There was no other
subject the two women had in common. Mrs. G. had older
children at home in need of a yeshuah and Devorah was
afraid to step on her neighbor's painful corns. So she
preferred to remain silent.
And the silence dragged on and on. Mrs. G. was also drawn
inside herself. Devorah felt the fish stick in her throat.
Better to get up and go home. And so she did. But she didn't
feel calm. Perhaps with the right words and attitude, she
would have given Mrs. G. encouragement. Who says that keeping
silent was the right thing to do?
The Right Words at the Right Time
"It's hard to find a recipe for interpersonal relationships
and even harder to find templates for relating and reacting,"
claims Mrs. Loeberbaum, a clinical psychologist. "There is no
one right answer for the situation Devorah found herself in
at the wedding when she sat next to Mrs. G. and there is no
formula for how to say what and when.
"In every uncomfortable situation, we will relate differently
to a friend or neighbor with whom we are in everyday contact,
and one who we see only every now and then. Our response also
depends on the intimacy of the relationship and under what
circumstances we meet them. People's feelings change from
situation to situation, from hour to hour and even from
moment to moment.
A reaction that might suit one person could certainly not be
appropriate for another. There'll be someone who'll want to
discuss her problems with someone who understands her, and
another who'll want to keep the pain inside. It also depends
when you catch her." Loeberbaum emphasizes: in a good
empathetic relationship, we are required to get the person at
the place where he is at the moment and to flow with his
feelings at the time.
We have the tools and sensitivities to understand another
according to the signals he is sending out and the way he is
broadcasting them — his tone, facial expression, body
language. We have to be aware of these messages and know what
they're saying: readiness, introversion, denial or
rejection.
A friend of mine, whose son drowned in the sea in the summer,
told me that her neighbors distanced themselves from her;
they crossed the street out of embarrassment, apparently, and
not knowing how to react. It hurt her deeply. She expected
that they would understand what a terrible loss she had
suffered, that they would share in her pain.
On the other hand, another person who helped her later on and
who had also been through a crisis, told her that she had
wanted people to let her wallow in her pain. That she wanted
to heal and overcome it herself.
Communication is about correctly "reading" other people and
relating to them appropriately; its aim is to connect people
and bring them closer. So how can we learn what to say to
another person when the other person isn't made of the same
stuff and he himself changes from one time to the next
according to his mood?
There is a good simile for a healthy relationship. It's like
the fingers of two hands that intertwine with one other. Try
to see how you communicate with members of your family. Is
your reaction to a certain behavior or feeling of your
daughter the same as hers? Let's say, when she's hurt, one
time she'll want a good word from you and another time, a
look and still another, she'll just want your silence. And
another daughter will want a different reaction. In the same
way that within your family, you have to invest effort in
order to find the right responses, so, too, in your
interactions with your environment, especially when dealing
with sensitive situations.
Life brings unpleasant situations in which responses don't
flow freely in the way we're accustomed. We have to accept
our weaknesses and their discomfort, to feel it and in these
sensitive situations we can find within ourselves the
strength to bring out something very genuine and appropriate
for the moment; something that binds and gives strength; and
to pray to the Creator of the universe that we will always
say what needs to be heard and not the opposite.
To Wear Another's Shoes
Mrs. Loeberbaum gives important guidelines for correct
communication during doubtful times: "First, we have to try
and understand the other person, to feel for him, to draw
closer to him, to understand both the verbal and non-verbal
messages he's broadcasting. Also, people don't like pity! We
don't like it either. Sincere empathy with respect, yes, but
not pity.
"When we `put on the others' shoes,' we have to respect his
privacy, not to intrude in his life, not physically and not
emotionally, if it isn't clear to us that that's what he
wants. There are people for whom it is difficult to be seen
when they're ill or weak and it's a delicate question whether
to visit them or not, to talk about the sickness, to ignore
it, to encourage them. With every good intention, you can
also hurt them and the guiding principle is: "You must
respect their wishes," to be considerate of the person and to
get close to him in the way it's appropriate for him. Many
times, he wants us to treat him as if nothing has
happened.
When talking to the other person, we have to really listen.
True listening is an art and needs to be learned. Why are
there people who become someone's "Wailing Wall?" Because
they know how to listen, to be there for the other person
without criticizing.
The talent of listening is connected to the ability to
feel for the other person without trying to solve anything or
take action. The listener puts himself at the disposal of
the talker as a tool with which he can let out difficult
emotions without involving his own reactions and feelings. In
contrast, when his feelings become the focus, he isn't able
to cope with the feelings or problems of the other person and
won't be able to really listen to him.
The conversation has to be with respect for the "me" of the
other person — to talk "with" and not to talk "to."
Sometimes we need to spill what's in our hearts but when the
other person is hurting, it isn't the time. In a positive
reciprocal relationship, you need to speak to your friend
according to her ability to hear and to receive so that a
connection is made; Not to talk about what you feel, but to
be aware of the other person — to be understanding and
empathetic.
A relative who volunteers visiting the sick at a hospital
told me that she witnessed a difficult conversation: One of
the patients had a friend visiting and instead of her asking
about her condition, she began telling her about the
difficulties that she was going through with background, in
color and a cast of additional characters. The patient
listened quietly the entire time and didn't respond. She
looked exhausted, sighed every minute and was waiting for
quiet. A passing nurse saved her when she interrupted to
treat her."
Who's at the Center — me or you?
"To be tactful with the other person means to be
considerate," comments Mrs. Yehudit Shulam, a family
counselor, "this is what all the rules about being in the
center relate to — me or the other person. A friend of
mine told me that during the shivah of her late
husband, people chatted about themselves, hardly paying any
attention to her. Only at the end did they mouth, "Hamakom
yenachem". Talk flowed on education, yeshivos, girls who
weren't accepted to seminary: they were all about sad
matters, but no one mentioned her sadness on losing her
husband.
If the other person is at the center and I want to give of
myself, the behaviors called for are: encouraging and
constructive comments, giving and true consideration.
There are people who aren't capable of visiting the sick. It
makes them feel bad. So what? You're thinking of yourself.
You're at the center and until she isn't well, you can't give
to her? And what about her desperate need to receive from you
as a friend/relative?
When you want to give to someone, you have to think about
what they need, what they want, what would make them feel
good and not what's good for you. That's called
consideration.
The whole art of understanding people without words is built
on the foundation of getting out of myself, blocking my ego,
opening my eyes and ears well and looking at what I have to
say. If I begin a sentence and I see that the other person is
blushing, moving away or stammering, I have to understand
that I made a mistake. While I'm in the middle of a sentence,
I have to be flexible enough and sensitive enough and
confident enough to say to her — "Sorry, I didn't mean
to embarrass you; I'm sorry that I caused you pain." It's
difficult.
Many times, non-verbal communication is more dominant and
more significant, and in order to communicate well, I have to
ignore my own difficulty and not think — "Oy, now I
have nothing to say to her. What a pain," or "What does she
want from my life?" but "What can I give her that will make
her feel good? I'll try to help her." If I know her, it's
easier and if not, I'll try. Hesitation is always good when
the situation is unclear.
