I am quite content with being a housewife. Although my house
is not spotless, it runs smoothly. We have a hot meal every
day, and the children are neat and clean. Yet when I look at
my neighbor, my efforts pale into insignificance. The oldest
of her seven children is only nine, yet she goes out to work
and her house is incredibly clean and tidy. She serves
gourmet meals to her well brought up children and even
manages to do voluntary work once a week. Is it any wonder
that I feel of no consequence compared to her?
*
Pearl, like her name, is a real jewel. She comes from a
broken home, and grew up in very difficult circumstances, yet
she married a Ben Torah and together they have built a warm
Jewish home. As a young girl, she was determined to raise her
children without the tribulations which she herself had
suffered. To her dismay, they do not appreciate her efforts
and demand more patience and attention than she can possibly
give them. They are not interested in how she used to live
and that the luxuries they desire are above the parents'
means.
*
A bedroom cum kitchen cum dining room was the accommodation
in which my grandmother, together with her husband and many
children, lived. She never complained about the inconvenience
and lack of space. How did she remain strong and cheerful all
through the vicissitudes of war, hunger and extreme poverty,
and the loss of two infants who died of pneumonia, as there
were no antibiotics yet, in those days? Would any young woman
cope with these hardships in our day and age, while still
maintaining her courage and good humor?
*
"Aren't you lucky," remarked Yocheved to her neighbor,
Avigail. "You always look so trim and slim. Are you on a
perpetual diet? Just look at the size of me; I am no older
than you are." Avigail laughed, "Everybody has their own
weaknesses and food does not happen to be one of mine. In
fact, I often forget to eat altogether."
*
Comparisons threaten us from birth. Is Baby within the right
limits on the curve in his developmental milestones? What if
some babies follow their own curves, and are not in the
required centile? Then the children begin comparing . . . why
do they have more clothes/ toys/ . . . why did he get such a
big piece of cake . . . why do you always help just her with
her homework?
In their teens, they continue. Teacher gives back test papers
and two girls both have a mark of 80%. Next to Channie's
mark, the teacher wrote, "Well done, keep it up," whereas
Naomi's mark was accompanied by the comment "What
happened???" The second girl immediately complained of
favoritism. What she did not take into account was that
Channie's average mark was in the fifties, while she
regularly got 100%.
*
"Mommy, it's not fair. I've been so careful for a whole month
and have only lost a few pounds; I feel a failure." "I think
you are doing very well, why do you feel a failure?" "My
friend Miri can eat whatever she likes, yet she wears a size
eight. I have only gone down from an eighteen to a
sixteen."
"Perhaps you are built differently; you can starve yourself
day and night and will become weak and gaunt, but you were
not made to be petite like Miri."
*
They tell the story of a group of climbers who decided to
tackle a particularly difficult mountain, to reach the
summit. When things began to get too difficult, some of the
climbers dropped out. The others were determined to succeed
but misfortunes dogged them on the way. Some of the men paid
with their lives. Disaster followed unforeseen disaster until
there were only two men who were determined to reach the
summit.
When they finally arrived, they were astounded to see a child
of three playing up there. After they had recovered somewhat
and realized that it was not another mirage, they asked the
child how he had managed to get up there. He did not
understand the question and said simply, "I was born here."
How can one compare a child who was born on the peak, to one
who was born at the bottom of the mountain? Each person has
his own starting point.
When a tortoise suggested a race between himself and the
hare, in Aesop's famous fable, the hare laughed scornfully,
yet nevertheless agreed to the challenge. The hare set off at
a sprint and lay down to sleep on the way, confident that he
would win anyway. The tortoise plodded along slowly, past the
sleeping contestant, and won the race.Unfortunately, in real
life, the 'tortoise' would not have the courage to suggest
such a race. He feels a failure from the outset. The
organizers of such a race would have to fix conditions; for
instance, that the hare has to run a meter for every
centimeter which the tortoise covers.
Each person in life has to be measured with his own
yardstick. A young man in Israel got a free tip (very
unusual!) from a friend in the property market. They were
starting a new building project outside Yerusholayim. If this
young man would put his name down for one, or even a few
flats, before the prices went up, he would become very rich,
since when others heard of the project, they would started
buying. The young man answered that there were two conditions
to such a purchase: siyata dishmaya and the necessary
capital for a down payment for even one flat. He was usually
grateful if he managed to get through a month without
borrowing money for bread and milk!
If we take two boys, one of whom has learning difficulties,
and the other who is almost brilliant, we have to look at
which of them achieves his potential, not at the one who gets
the highest marks. You cannot compare a child who has been in
a road accident, and by dint of sheer hard work and
physiotherapy, finally manages to run, to a normal little boy
who runs automatically.
A woman invited a girl who wanted to become frum, to
stay over Shabbos, stipulating that she had to dress
modestly. The girl arrived in a high-necked long sleeved
dress, yet the girls whispered that she was not modest. Their
mother hastily explained to them that she was very
tzniyusdik compared to how she had been dressed till
now.
Rabbi Dessler writes that we all have our own base line and
our own peaks. We have our own freedom of choice to continue
on the path to which we were born, and should not to try to
reach the peak of someone else. We are meant to think, 'When
will my deeds be as good as my ancestors,' but everything is
relative. We are not expected to live like Soro Imeinu nor
even like our grandmothers.
Each generation has its own problems and trials, with its own
base lines and summits. Once we understand that there are no
comparisons, as we each set out from a different starting
point, we will have peace of mind and serenity in our own
lives.
