Articles, books and classes abound today to facilitate the
child-rearing process. We are fortunate to have them, and
parents should avail themselves of the opportunity to learn
from them, and thereby do the best they can in raising
children.
Perhaps, as our community ages, it is time to provide
information to these very children about how to relate to
their parents. Despite many families' best efforts, there
seems to be confusion, dissatisfaction, a lack of something
in the relationship. It seems that many children, now grown,
feel that they were not raised properly.
Many children seem to have very high expectations of what
their parents 'owe' them yet seem to think they 'owe' their
parents nothing. Especially as they read these very materials
designed to help parents, they may think, 'if only my parents
had done this . . . but since they made so many mistakes,
they are not even really 'parents,' deserving of any
respect.' Although this may sound extreme, and many children
do not feel this way, it seems, based on the information
coming through in various ways, that a not insignificant
segment of our children have such feelings, to some
extent.
Parents themselves are in a Catch-22. They raised these
children. If the parents aren't satisfied with their
children's behavior, they can only blame themselves —
is the opinion of some.
How can young adults, who have come to realize that something
is wrong, rectify the situation, from their side? What is the
proper way for them to relate to their parents, despite the
fact that for whatever reason, this proper behavior is not
ingrained in them? They need to work on a few different
middos, and can begin with an 'as if' attitude.
We learn that our external behavior has a great influence on
our thoughts. The first step needs to be acting in a
respectful way. It can be very difficult, as perhaps the
parents don't seem to deserve it, or don't accept the
behavior graciously, or other types of challenges. The main
thing is, keep acting respectful. That can be a vague term;
here are some specifics:
1. Hold your parents in high esteem, as if they were
dignitaries. Think: These people are Nobel Prize winners!
2. Address them respectfully at all times. Always strive to
use a pleasant tone of voice.
3. Attempt to glorify their name. That is, as you speak to
friends or relatives and your parents are mentioned, think of
something complimentary to say about them.
4. Develop in yourself feelings of awe and fear toward your
parents. This especially will do wonders for your avodas
Hashem. Feel free to use your imagination to make the
feelings more real. Some useful props can be thunder and
lightning, inheritance, or triple-decker sundaes.
5. Take care not to offend. This is easier when you master
the skill of thinking before you speak. Consider how you
would feel if such a remark were made to you, or your spouse.
When in doubt, leave it out.
6. Eliminate interruptions, contradictions, corrections
(except when urgent), arguments. Actually, even saying 'I
agree' is not permitted, as it is as if you are setting
yourself up as a judge.
7. Do not attempt to `educate' your parents.
8. Develop in yourself a sincere desire to please. Try to pre-
empt parental requests. Offer your help when you are able to
in a specific way. It can be small, like taking out the
trash; it can be big like taking them or your younger
siblings out for a few hours.
9. Rise when they enter the room, escort them as they leave,
ask permission to leave their presence.
10. Be ready to apologize when you are remiss.
Naturally, this is not a one-day or even one-month program.
It will take years. As long as you are progressing, you will
come to experience great satisfaction. Side benefits
abound:
1. Self respect will become a by product of your showing
respect.
2. Your other relationships can flourish as you come to show
respect and behave in a humble manner with everyone.
3. Your avodas Hashem will take become more
meaningful.
Just reading this and considering this path means you are a
special person. Make the most of yourself — become a
loveable child.
