When the time comes for me to stand before the Heavenly
Tribunal, and I am asked if I was the best Soroh I could have
been, I hope I can say, "I never stopped trying."
WHAT GOOD IS SUFFERING?
Suffering has strengthened my connections with other people.
It has helped me to understand them better. I can be more
compassionate, accepting, or patient, with those who have
had, or are undergoing difficult times or have particular
limitations.
Suffering helps me redefine my priorities. For example,
although material things were never very important to me,
now, they are even less so.
Through suffering, I have learned that complacency is the
yetzer hora's doing, and so I must not take for
granted the many gifts Hashem has given me. Reviewing my
Grateful List, which I started when diagnosed with cancer in
1983, is always helpful. It reminds me of how grateful I
should be for all His many blessings. My mood changes way
before I reach the end of the list.
Knowing that suffering can help atone for my sins makes me
grateful and happy. Remembering this at the right time can
turn my sadness into joy!
It might be difficult for those who have not had physical
suffering to fully understand the joy felt in being able to
do what was previously impossible or too difficult, such as
breathing without having to gasp for air, or being able to
get up or sit down, or being able to turn your body while
lying in bed. I don't think someone who has never endured
physical suffering can experience to the same degree the
elementary functions of living as one who has suffered, the
joy, and the same depth of gratitude to Hashem, for the
precious gifts that were previously accepted as being a
natural part of life.
I am so grateful that, in spite of my transgressions and
mistakes, Hashem has not given up on me. Instead, He
continues to give me opportunities to grow closer to Him.
No, it has not been, nor is it now, easy to make changes.
Sometimes, the emotional or physical pain is almost
unbearable. But Hashem never promised it would be easy. Nor
should it be.
The Sages say the more suffering, the more effort expended,
the greater the benefits, and that suffering helps sanctify a
person.
If and when I put forth the effort, no matter how long it
takes, or how difficult it is, and regardless of the outcome,
then, I have earned the rewards Hashem bestows upon me. I can
then respect myself, and truly enjoy what is given me.
I think most, if not all of us, can remember the difference
between being given something as a gift, or having to work a
long time to save the money to acquire a desired item. We
appreciated and took better care of it if we put in our own
time and effort to get it. Most important, we felt good about
ourselves. As a secular teacher once said to his class, "What
you put in is what you will get out," or as some say, "You
get what you pay for."
In June, 2003, when my illness prevented me from being able
to live alone, I received rabbinical permission to leave
Israel to stay with my son, daughter-in-law, and three
grandchildren in Boston, Massachusetts.
Boston is the home of the finest medical centers in the
world. My experiences with the doctors and their staffs
substantiated this opinion. Although my condition did not
change, Boruch Hashem, with treatments, it is now
stable and I have regained some of my strength and energy.
Not long after I arrived in Boston, another bone marrow
biopsy was done. My blood disorder had gotten worse. I was
now diagnosed as having myeloid displasia syndrome, a cancer
with a survival rate of at most a few years.
I was hospitalized three times within a couple of months.
During my second stay, I had congestive heart failure, acute
kidney failure, and my blood counts were increasingly worse.
Nurses and doctors were hovering around me. I said
viduy.
Twice during that hospital visit, while in much agony, I
found myself praying that Hashem help me to accept the pain,
since it was His will that I have it. Immediately, both
times, the pain was gone!
I realized that I was not, as in the past, asking Hashem to
take the pain away. Instead, I was asking him to help me
nullify my will so I could serve Him. In doing this, I felt
that maybe I had climbed a step up on my spiritual ladder. If
so, I attribute this to the strengthening of my
bitochon.
Nurses would come in during a free bit of time just to say
hello, to bring pictures of their children to show me, or to
discuss some aspect of their personal lives. They were warm
and friendly and seemed to go out of their way to be
helpful.
I was surprised by visits from several non-Jewish chaplains
who informed me that the nurses told them they had to meet
me. The visits were always pleasant and the conversations
centered on the importance of having faith in G-d. They
seemed to appreciate my sharing some of my beliefs with them,
and came more than once to visit.
While in the States, I had the precious opportunity and
pleasure of getting to know and bond more with my
grandchildren, aged ten, nine and six. I was able to help
them with their homework, blow-dry my granddaughter's hair,
play games with them, and talk to them about just
anything.
I had the strength and time to almost finish this book, which
had been put aside for more than ten years because all my
time had been devoted to my home-management work.
I met and developed a close relationship with my next-door
neighbor. She calls four to five times a week so that we can
continue our learning, now that I am no longer in Boston.
Unexpectedly, I influenced my non-Jewish home care attendants
who told me that their appreciation and respect for Jews and
Judaism has grown because of their observations of my
behavior as a religious Jew, and as a result of our
conversations, often based on their questions regarding
Judaism. They shared with me, some in writing, the assessment
that our relationship has had a positive impact on their own
lives, and that they miss me.
Most important, my experiences while in the States provided
me with opportunities to work on the character traits that
need correcting, in strengthening my faith and trust, and
hopefully, therefore, in getting closer to making Hashem's
will, mine.
I believe all this can be accomplished if I live each day
always being aware that I am totally dependent upon Him for
everything and anything. If I can succeed in doing this, I
will be preventing my greatest enemy, the yetzer hora
from being able to convince me to follow my own desires and
inclinations, and not to despise the evil elements within
myself.
Giving all of me to Hashem, nullifying my will to His, all
the time, is my most important goal in life. I pray that He
continue to give me the time and strength to continue the
struggle.
When the time comes for me to stand before the Heavenly
Tribunal, and I am asked if I was the best Soroh I could have
been, I hope I can say "I never stopped trying."
