Part III
"They contribute, they participate, they do, they bring up,
they help . . . " Who are they?
That's how Hadassa (an alias) describes children of
blessedly large families. Our generation has merited a real
blessing, where families with fourteen or eighteen children
are not rare. We wanted to hear how children in such
families feel. How they give and how they receive; what
experiences they have and what memories they cherish and how
the parents fit into the picture.
A picture of blessing.
Shopping for an Institution
"At home, we always had an atmosphere of happiness and unity
among the siblings," says Yehudit, the daughter of a large
family, who is already married with a home of her own. "It
was nice to be in our home, the atmosphere was alive, full
of energy and joy. After I got married, it was hard for me
to study for tests because I wasn't used to studying in
quiet; the noise and tumult were missing.
"Being in a big family, I learned a lot as a child and I
have such fond memories of noise and mess and . . .
constant happiness. Shopping for a family as large as ours
was an experience. I once bought basic winter clothes for
the whole family and the saleslady asked me if I was buying
for an institution."
Who, in your opinion, created this happy atmosphere?
"My parents. My mother was the type of person who was full
of happiness, taking everything in stride. During the day,
we were "allowed" to make noise and commotion and she didn't
prevent us from being cheerful girls. I know that she
compromised on her love of orderliness so that it would be
pleasant for us and the atmosphere would be positive and
contented.
"If one day a child wanted to roll paper tubes around the
house, she let us. Another wanted to draw and the entire
children's room looked like an art studio. Generally, the
living room in every house is the neatest room. By us, the
living room was the center of activity, always a mess and
full of life. One did homework there, another learned with a
friend for a test, the third drew, and Ima accepted all this
and let us live in a calm and peaceful atmosphere."
Tell us about special moments or funny situations that
you recall.
"There were many moments of `togetherness.' On Purim, for
example, my father sat all the children together and all the
boys sang meaningful songs. It was an uplifting time for all
of us.
"Something funny? We all went together once to a
simchah in a van and traveling with us there were
other people. When we got there, we started to get out. One
of the passengers looked at us wide-eyed and counted: `This
one, too, and also this one; you're all one family?' he
asked amazed, when my last brother had descended.
"Shabbos meals were special. My father organized the table
so that it would accommodate both big and small. First he
would speak to the big ones, tell over ideas and
perushim, then he would review the school
parshah pages of the middle ones and finally we would
sing the songs that the little ones learned in kindergarten.
Everyone was given attention and a place at the Shabbos
table."
Father's Home, So is Joy
Your mother radiated an atmosphere of joy at home. What was
the contribution of the husband/father to the special
atmosphere in the family?
"I see the role of the father as elevating." says Hadassa.
"He is responsible for everything from above, carrying a
great burden on his shoulders and elevating and supporting
the woman in all her activities. He is responsible to see
that she can handle all her roles, checks on how his wife is
feeling about everything and how she is managing.
"Not always is participation expressed in active
performance. In truth, we, the womenfolk, manage the house,
bring home the paycheck, but the husband carries us all on
his shoulders. If he sees that it's difficult for the woman
or she's stressed out about something, something bothers
her, he can, for example, call over the oldest daughter and
say to her: `Ima needs to rest in the afternoons. During
this time, watch over the children.' The husband looks at
the whole scenario and deals with whatever might throw the
system off balance.
"The husband supervises damage control, helps his wife deal
with the problems, lends a supportive hand. I've noticed
that with the years, my husband has taken on more and more
roles. As the family has grown, especially the children, the
issues to deal with have grown as well -- choosing yeshivas,
even seminaries, finding shidduchim for the children,
in all these issues and more, my husband is the navigator."
"A shining countenance and tranquility," stresses Hadassa,
"are worth more than any role. They reach everyone in the
family -- the wife and each child -- and create a calm and
warm atmosphere. They spread throughout the house. Patience
towards the wife and appreciation of the way in which she
manages the home is his basic characteristic: Patience
towards the children, as well as to the tendencies and needs
of each one. Because he sees the big picture, the husband
has a great deal of tolerance. Comforting and encouraging
words to each one at the right time, are in my opinion, the
pinnacle of what my husband contributes to us.
"My youngest child, for example, (who isn't small at all)
turns bedtime into a nightmare. It's a point in time when
I'm tired and every time, he makes a new request to postpone
going to sleep. But I know that everything will fall into
place as soon as my husband comes home. He'll say a few
cheerful words to him, he'll say Shema with him and
the child, as if by magic wand, will go to sleep willingly
and peacefully.
"When he comes home, peace, love and good communication
enter with him. One of his important tasks is to organize
the Shabbos table. We have, Baruch Hashem, both older
and young children, and it requires great wisdom to occupy
and relate to each one according to his age, to know what to
say to each one, what the abilities and the needs of each
child are. And that each one receives the attention he
needs.
"I remember well the Shabbos table of my parents. We were a
big family bli ayin hora, and at the time there
weren't big children. All my siblings, from the youngest to
the oldest, said something on the parashah and Abba
listened to everyone and then made an encouraging comment or
added a supporting idea. In my father's eyes, whatever
anyone said was important; he accepted every sentence and
idea with joy, which he projected to the child so that he'd
want to talk again next week. There was never a critical
word, only encouragement.
"Abba instituted a tradition in our house. When he came home
from shul on Friday night, he would go over to the
table immediately and begin saying Sholom Aleichem and
immediately, all ten children, as if by magic, would gather
round. There was no need to call them or hurry them or
rebuke them. That was his power of leadership.
"We did not have designated seats; each one found a place
and sat down immediately without Abba having to say a word.
There were no fights, for the simple reason that my father
wouldn't pay any attention to a fight that broke out. If
parents don't pay attention to bickering, these incidents
fade away very quickly. On the other hand, if a child sang
or gave a dvar Torah, he got a heaping measure of
loving attention."
"Abba was almost never home," says Yehudit. "The children
saw him mainly on Shabbos. Abba used to photocopy a page
from the Chumash and distribute it to all the children and
then learn it together with the children aged five to
nineteen. Learning together really united us. Abba
explained, afterwards, and each one contributed something.
Abba's Torah united the entire family.
"My father added a lot of joy to the home. During Bein
Hazmanim, he would take us on short trips which we all
took part in. We played ball, Abba and all the children,
from the 2-year-old toddler to the eldest girl. Abba cheered
us on from the sidelines. We sang a lot at home. Abba
organized the children to sing at every opportunity. During
Shabbos meals and when we didn't have guests, we all sang
the bircas hamozon with Abba to an old familiar tune.
"But mainly, Abba spread unity and joy around learning. The
girls also had special learning time with him. Each time we
studied another Mussar book or discussed a current event
that was relevant. On seder night, Abba sat like a
king at the head of the table, the boys leaning all around
him, and we girls sat on the opposite side of the table. The
table pulled out to four meters and Abba looked like the
king of this beautiful empire, conducting the recitation of
the Haggadah while singing. I remember this special
atmosphere to this day.
"Not long ago, my father celebrated his birthday. All of the
boys in yeshivah, without prior arrangement, wrote letters
of good wishes to Abba. I read the letters and they all
expressed appreciation for Abba and his Torah: `You should
continue to publish seforim,' `Continue growing in
Torah,' each one repeated. This is the image that stands
before them and serves as a living role model."
Rebbetzin Chana also recalls her Shabbos table as one of the
most beautiful and happy moments of family togetherness. Her
husband would give out prizes to each child who sang nicely.
In general, everyone got a prize in the end. Despite the
chaos that sometimes reigned, the happy atmosphere
contributed to everyone and to this day, her big married
children remember the happy Shabbos meals that they
experienced in their home.
"The children knew," adds Rebbetzin Chana, " that my husband
was the decision-maker in every important matter. We always
asked Abba. For us he was the supreme and final authority.
My husband was hardly ever home, but he guided us from
behind the scenes. The children saw him only on Shabbos or
during bein hazemanim when he took them on trips or to
the beach -- that they always remember.
"The period of bein hazemanim was used for a joint
pleasurable outing. Also during the holidays, including
Chanukah, when he came home to light candles, he used the
short amount of time with the children to play games with
them. The children knew that when Abba came home they'd have
a joyful time."
"My father was an especially calm man, incomparably
confident and he infused these two characteristics in the
home," explains Tzivi. "Any time there was pressure in the
family, Abba supported us all and said, 'Everything is from
the Blessed One, there's no reason to worry, Hashem is with
us.' Abba would calm us all down and create a pleasant
atmosphere.
"You couldn't anger him. Even faced with the tremendous
tumult that we made, he remained calm and the atmosphere
around him always remained serene and even happy. I noticed
that Abba contributed to the family's togetherness by
showing his respect for Ima. He tried to demonstrate this to
us children through compliments and appreciation. That
created a pleasant atmosphere in the home."
What are some of the happy and nice moments you remember
in your family?
"Every family simchah was cause for a celebration.
Eveyone contributed his part spontaneously and without being
asked, each one according to his talents: writing a poem for
the bride and groom, cooking or setting the table. From my
childhood, I remember that the Shabbos table was always
happy and stress-free. Abba would say a dvar Torah but
wouldn't force us to listen to it. Whoever was old enough
listened and understood and enjoyed. Abba tried to make it
appropriate for all ages and everyone felt like he was
talking to them.
"The summer holidays where days of happiness and family
togetherness. Ima and the girls went out to a distant city
near the beach for the whole vacation and Abba and the boys
joined us for Shabbos during bein hazemanim. When Abba
arrived on Friday, he would take us all on trips so that Ima
could prepare Shabbos calmly. I remember these walks well.
Abba would hold our hands and we walked abreast in one long
line while skipping on the hills and hopping in fields and
singing. The atmosphere was especially joyful and we all
felt lighthearted."
