As I have struggled to grow spiritually, I have come to
understand that there are different levels of
bitochon. Intellect alone is not sufficient to
motivate me to act, to do what is needed to be done, and when
it has to be done, in order to help me deal with the various
tests I experience. The depth of my emotional involvement is
an essential factor in determining my level of faith. More
and more, I find that emotions motivate my change in behavior
more than the intellect is capable of doing.
When both my intellect and emotions merge, then, and only
then, I find that I am able to make changes in myself. It is
then that I know that my bitochon is in the process of
growing stronger. I have internalized the change or
correction on which I have been working.
In other words, I see that when my heart and soul (my
internal being — emotions, knowledge and
understanding), and all my resources (my external being
— everything and anything I possess), strive to serve
Hashem because that is what He wants, I in turn, will be
fulfilled and content.
Bitochon is not only essential for my spiritual
growth, but for my physical and mental wellbeing as well. My
actions reflect to what degree I am aware of His complete and
total power and control over everything and everyone. For
example, when I find myself in difficult situations, such as
when my son passed away, or when I don't understand and am
very hurt by particular people's behavior, or I believe I
have been done a deep injustice, or am experiencing extreme
emotional or physical pain, or any combination thereof, I try
very hard to remember that regardless of the effort I may put
forth, the outcome or results are in Hashem's control, not
mine. Whatever He decides is the ultimate best for me, now
and/or for the future. He, the Almighty, created me. I did
not create Him. I consider it to be the height of arrogance
to expect to understand His ways.
As I work on strengthening my bitochon, negative,
counterproductive thoughts and emotions are slowly being
replaced with calmness and peacefulness. I don't feel alone.
He, my loving Father and best Friend, is close to me, and is
trying to help me. I need to cast my burdens upon Him. Then,
like an infant in my mother's arms, it is easier to give
myself over to Him.
What a difference I find it makes! Instead of focusing on my
being perplexed, hurt, or angry, or wondering what is the
right thing to do, I now try to think of what I may have done
that could have contributed to the problem. I try to think of
what difficulties the 'other parties' may be going through
that might have triggered the situation. Perhaps the other
person mistakenly and innocently believed he or she was
acting correctly.
If, however, I am convinced that any harm done was for
selfish reasons, then I must, regardless of how difficult it
is, work on trying to forgive the perpetrator. Again, measure
for measure, if I forgive others, Hashem will forgive me for
my transgressions. Boruch Hashem, the Tanach, the Sages, and
our rabbinic leaders have written much on this subject which
can help guide me in climbing my own spiritual ladder.
It is amazing that when I sometimes reach this level of
understanding, and behavior, I am relaxed rather than
stressful and tense. I know better what or what not to do. I
remember that those who treat me kindly, or hurt me, are
merely the Almighty's messengers. And that ultimately,
everything that Hashem ordains is for my best. The difference
all this makes in my reactions and my state of wellbeing are
dramatic and profound. The quality of my life, in every way,
improves on a day-to-day basis, as well as when major crises
or events occur. I am happier, and more relaxed, and able to
think more clearly than ever before.
It is also most important for me to always keep in mind the
supreme importance Hashem places on peace and harmony among
all His children. Our Sages say peace requires constant
effort from man so we can reach a state in which the
conflicts and contradictions of society are finally overcome.
To Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi, peace is like leavening in the
dough — it is what gives rise to movement and progress
in society. In many of our prayers, shalom (peace)
appears as the ultimate blessing. Therefore, as my knowledge
and understanding of Torah deepens, I am even more inclined
to give in to others' wishes rather than mine, and to appease
others, even at my own expense, emotionally, financially, or
physically.
Letting the other person 'win,' or think he is 'right,' even
when I believe, or know that he or she is not, helps
strengthen my humility, a character trait that I can always
improve. This only applies, however, to personal issues, not
Torah commandments. If I can do all this, more and more
often, then I believe I will grow stronger in learning how to
sublimate my will to Hashem's.
This is not at all easy to do. My selfish instincts and the
yetzer hora are always provoking me, and of course, it
does not happen overnight, or all the time. But if I want to
grow spiritually (and improve the quality of my life, here,
and especially in Olom Habo) I have no other choice
than constantly to strive towards achieving this goal.
Loving and fearing Hashem; persevering, especially during
difficult times; knowledge of His Laws, and exercising self-
discipline so that I observe His commandments properly;
praying with kavonoh; having a positive attitude about
what I have and don't have, and whatever happens in my life;
being patient with others, myself, and things I experience;
and trying to perfect my character are, I believe, all
essential in order for me to become closer to Hashem.
I find that, as there are many levels of faith, there are
various levels in almost everything in my life, especially in
my growing appreciation and gratitude to Hashem for
continuing to give me the time so I can, if I use it
productively, help myself and others.
The lesson I learned when diagnosed with cancer twenty-two
years ago is that time is one's most precious gift from
Hashem, because time is life. Since then, I have deepened and
expanded my understanding of this priceless treasure, and am
almost always concerned about using it wisely.
By planning my day's and week's activities, rather than
allowing time to pass by haphazardly, without thought,
purpose, and effort, I can better control how I am spending
it. Am I using my time to learn, grow, and help others, or am
I wasting it in idle chatter and activities?
The best way I know that anything is really important to me
is by how I choose to behave and spend my time. It is easy to
say what I think I believe. It costs nothing, and no effort
or time is required. It is my actions that show me if what I
say really reflects what I believe.
The spring following my son's passing, shortly before going
abroad to lecture and give workshops on different aspects of
home management, I came down with what I thought was a bad
cold. After almost a week in bed, although feeling tired and
weak, I forced myself to leave on my tour. I had speaking and
teaching commitments to honor.
I wasn't in the States long before I had to see a doctor.
Nothing conclusive was found. In each city, I was feeling
progressively worse. I went to another doctor who said I had
an infection, and gave me antibiotics. I was beginning to
feel it was a tremendous effort to move my legs to walk. I
wanted to sleep during the day as well as at night.
It was not long before I had to cancel appointments in
various cities in the States and Canada. I cut my trip short
and flew home. It turned out that I had one or more TIAs, or
mini strokes. These continued, on and off, for several years.
Boruch Hashem, I was under the care of my neighborhood
doctor, a caring, most competent and professional
'mensch.'
As time passed, additional symptoms were appearing which
prevented me from functioning as I wished. Tests showed my
blood disease had become worse. The chemotherapy medication
was increased, and an additional kind was added.
I knew that according to the medical charts for this form of
cancer, patients were estimated to live, at most, about
fifteen years from the time treatments began. I was nearing
the end of time science had given me to survive. However, I
keep reminding myself that I was told I had three months to
live, in January, 1988! Doctors are not G-d, and only our
Creator decides when He will take us, and how.
I never knew how extremely tired and weak one could become.
Walking just several feet exhausted me. I would feel as if I
was a balloon with a hole in it, and all the air, in my case,
energy, was being sucked out of me. My balance was also
affected. I felt less fearful of falling in the house as
opposed to the street because there was usually a piece of
furniture, or a wall I could hold on to when the need
occurred.
Eventually, and much to my regret, I received daas
Torah to close my school, the Home Management Institute,
and discontinue everything I had developed, established, and
was doing for so many years. I was told to do all this
immediately, not because it was harming my health, but more
important, because it was endangering my life!
I was also unable to continue making and packaging food every
Friday morning, which was sent to needy people in the
community. I had been doing this almost since the time I
moved to Kiryat Kaminetz in Neve Yaakov, and felt bad that I
couldn't continue. I also missed the visiting we volunteers
enjoyed while working together.
My strength and stamina were continually decreasing. I was
steadily losing weight. All kinds of additional, painful or
frightening symptoms were appearing. I was feeling that
perhaps my time was really coming to an end.
The pain I was having in my bones intensified to the point
that I finally asked my Rav if I could request pain
medication from my doctor. I had not asked for it earlier
because I thought that perhaps Hashem was giving me pain as
punishment for transgressions. If I took pain killers, then
how could I be atoning for my sins? My Rav said I could ask
for and take whatever could alleviate the pain. Surprisingly,
after taking the medication only twice, I no longer felt it
necessary to take more.
My neighbors and friends would bring their home-cooked meals
and goodies, for me. When they went shopping, they would get
what I needed as well. They were always coming to visit, and
to see if I needed anything.
When I had to have my blood tested, see the doctor, receive
blood transfusions, a chemotherapy treatment, or stay
overnight in the hospital, one particular friend and neighbor
would always accompany me. A very dear friend, who lives in a
nearby community, substituted whenever necessary. I will
always be grateful to all of these wonderful women, their
many kindnesses and their prayers.
