The Salant Foundation is an educational organization devoted
to making Mussar teachings available through publications,
emails, and classes. Your editor subscribes to its daily
messages, one of which is a Mussar Development Workshop,
which I find very self-educational. I encourage readers with
email (and for your information, I do NOT have access to
INTERNET; it is possible), to subscribe to eMussar at
miler23@netvision.net.il.
The following was a subscriber's question which I thought
YATED readers would find interesting and would identify
with.
MUSSAR DEVELOPMENT WORKSHOP
Orientation: Rabbi Yisroel Salanter (1810-1883), the founder
of the Mussar Movement, taught that the study of human
nature, based on real-life examples, in conjunction with
Mussar study, is essential to understanding — and
mastering - - ourselves. In particular, he professed that it
is important: (1) to observe negative character traits and
inappropriate behavior (both in ourselves as well as in
others), and (2) recognize the detrimental results of these
flaws. The more we learn to identify human flaws and errors,
the wiser will we grow in knowing which behavior and thoughts
to avoid and the more we will succeed in life's endeavors.
"The Inner Struggle of Giving Charity": submitted by an
eMussar Subscriber, describes a struggle with tzedokah
collectors who ask for more than he has given them etc.
Q. We all know from R' Yisroel's teachings how difficult it
is to change one single character trait. Indeed it is! I find
myself fluctuating from the extremes of generosity to
stinginess and often, when I make a studied effort to be
generous, it will have its repercussions in the near future.
Take the matter of tzedokah. I live on a ground floor
apartment with access to the street from a private entrance
which is really very public. Beggars who come to a rich man
in my immediate neighborhood always stop afterwards by me.
That is fine. I am happy to give what I allot to every
person. but when someone comes asking for a mother in
Ashkelon or a friend who is sick and couldn't come that time,
it gets me very upset. Or someone who says they couldn't come
last week and wants double. Likewise when someone ALWAYS
argues with what I give and wants double. it just ruins my
mood and makes me less cordial to the next one who comes, and
this can be from five to ten visits on a Thursday evening.
How am I supposed to answer these people?
How am I supposed to keep my anger level down inside me? I
have an ongoing struggle inside me with the thought that
people are taking advantage of me and my genuine desire to
help. How does Mussar deal with the Israeli concept of
frier or the American loosely-connected equivalent of
`sucker?' Is there such a thing as a Jewish sucker or should
one give and give and give or do and do and do? How does one
spring back to one's giving self after a difficult
encounter?
Response 1 I'd like to share a true story that
happened to me one erev Rosh Hashonoh... I was busy
with preparations, and certainly didn't want to be bothered
by yet another knock at my door. Yet another one came. When I
opened the door, I found the beggar to be a man who could
neither hear nor speak. I offered him a chair near the door,
while I went to get some money and a glass of water. When I
handed him the water, he gratefully took the glass from my
hand, looked up toward the heavens, and in a loud voice
called out the blessing for water.
Only a person who knew the brochoh could vaguely
recognize the words. I answered "Amen," hiding the tears in
my eyes. It reminded me of the story about the Baal Shem Tov
and the boy who whistled in shul on Yom Kippur, and I
know Hashem accepted every word of that brochoh with
great love. I was grateful for the lesson I received Erev
Rosh Hashonoh....
When people come to my door, I see it as a test of my own
middos. I would rather be in my shoes than in theirs.
I imagine the difficulty they must feel in having to ask for
charity, and I make an effort to treat them with respect. I
asked my Rov how much money is appropriate to give in these
cases, and that helped me feel comfortable with giving the
amounts that I give, even if the person expects more.
It is not for us to judge the shlichim who come to our
doors. We can learn something from each one, and do the best
we can in feeling comfortable with what we give and how we
conduct ourselves.
Response 2 I would really like to thank you for
sharing your description of your inner struggle while giving
charity to those who ask for help at your door. I had
mistakenly thought it would be easier to deal with people
face to face the way you do than to receive anonymous phone
calls from agencies asking for help or passive requests from
people in our city who stand on the sidewalk with a hat in
their hands. But I can see it would be even more difficult to
receive people at my door the way you do so often. You are
amazing in so many ways: for being able to give in this way
so often, for being so aware of your own emotions and
intentions while doing so, and for striving to be as pure as
possible in the process. In Pirkei Ovos we learn that
one of the many benefits of giving charity is to show
compassion to a poor person so they feel less angry at Hashem
for their situation. It is understandable that your anger may
sometimes rise in the process, but I hope you can feel some
sense of comfort that overall, anger at Hashem decreases due
to your generosity.
When I passed a man on the street yesterday standing with his
hat in his hand, I thought of your inner struggles with
charity. On the way back, I passed the man again and there
was no longer any doubt in my mind that I should take a one
dollar coin from my wallet (just one, so I will find it
easier to give again in future) and put it in his empty hat.
There was a simple nod of "thank you" from him and "you're
welcome" from me, as well as an awesome sense of connection
with this person in need. I felt different for having given
in this way. And it is because of you and Hashem!
Response 3 Good topic. I despise the concept of
"frier," which I've only encountered in Israel. It's
important to know your limits and act within them (or beyond
them, if you so decide.) Then it is you deciding what you can
and cannot do, rather than letting yourself be defined by
others.
One man's "frier" is another man's "tzadik."
Response 4 I think we all experience the dichotomy of
what the writer describes; it's the ongoing battle between
the yetzer tov and the yetzer ra and the
difficulty we often have distinguishing between them. Jewish
Law has very clear guidelines about giving charity: how much
to give, when to give, how to give and to whom to give.
Studying these laws makes it less of an emotional issue. The
Chofetz Chaim taught that the greater amount of times one
gives, the bigger the mitzvah because it conditions us
to be more generous.
In other words, it's better to give one dollar to a hundred
people than $100 to one. A person certainly has the right to
decide, within the halachic guidelines, to whom to give and
how much. It is certainly his prerogative and an expression
of who he is and what he values. Of course it's the
prerogative of the beggar to try and get as much as he can.
After all, begging is his business and he's just trying to be
a good businessman.
So to keep this relationship "friendly," I would suggest
studying the laws of tzedokah, making an a
priori decision to whom to give, all things being equal,
and how much, and to view the whole transaction from an
objective, non-emotional viewpoint. Also remember, that the
harder it is to give, the greater the reward, for everyone
concerned.
Response 5 Perhaps you could be grateful for being on
the giving end and not think of others as "beggars." You
might consider "giving" a smile, a brochoh, a good
deed, your time. Heaven will give you credit that you "gave"
in various ways. Hope this helps. Thanks! —
Response 6 I am reminded of the response a friend of
mine once gave to a man who was complaining that her
contribution was not sufficient and that he needed more. My
friend very sweetly faced the man and said gently, "If this
is not okay for you, I will be happy to take it back." As you
can imagine, the man grabbed the money and quickly left.
You ask 2 questions: How am I supposed to answer these
people? and How am I supposed to keep my anger level down
inside me? The above example might give you a model for how
to respond to these types of annoying/inappropriate requests.
Re: The second question on anger.. here are some thoughts to
consider: People don't always behave with consideration or
sensitivity. It would be nice if they did, but that is not
the way people are. Therefore, when confronted with someone
who asks for double, or asks for someone else, or tells you
your contribution is not sufficient, remind yourself that
humans have a tendency to sometimes be rude and
insensitive... and that when faced with such a situation, you
have every right to decide to say, "No, I can't do that," or
"That doesn't work for me," or something similar that sounds
right to you.
Remember that charity begins at home and only you know how
much you can comfortably afford to give. Just because someone
asks, it doesn't mean that you have to oblige. If you keep
this in mind, you will more likely remember that you have
options. When you are less reactive to other people, you will
be more able to assess how you want to respond.
To be less reactive, don't insist that others be different.
Accept people they way they are, even if you would wish or
prefer them to be otherwise! Say to yourself strongly,
"That's the way they are ... tough! I don't like it, but I
can tolerate it and put up with what I don't like!!!" You may
need to repeat this to yourself many times until it really
sinks in! Once it does, you will probably find you can handle
these situations better and more easily be aware that you
have options as to how you can respond.
Response 7 Let us, instead of discussing the beggars,
talk about you. According to your letter, these five —
ten people come to you quite regularly. Have you a chance to
ask their names and listen to their stories?
It seems to me it would be even a greater mitzvah if,
besides giving the money, talk to everyone even for a few
minutes. Then maybe before the person asks for the double
portion as he/she skipped the previous week, you would ask
why the person did not show up last week.
It is not our duty to judge these people or to question how
they spend the money. The Torah only requires that we be
kindly and help them. Try to think how lucky you are that,
thank G-d, you are in a position to give money to the needy;
it is up to you to be nice and kind to them.
Response 8 I can't answer all those issues but one
thing I've done is to make a decision how much I can give
that week, divide it up as best I can in equal amounts and
then put it into individual envelopes. That way I don't get
an argument about how much money I'm giving, I just hand over
the envelope. Also, if I find myself getting annoyed at the
person's attitude, I try to stop and thank Hashem that I am
the giver and not the taker.
Response 9 I heard an interesting/funny idea from
Rabbi Orlafsky— he was teaching about Judaism in
English to a group of Israelis. When he tried to explain that
G-d created the universe gratuitously, he caused a stir. No
one understood what "gratuitous" meant. The Rabbi explained
that it meant G-d created the universe for us, not for Him.
It was an act of kindness without an expectation of reward.
"Oh," answered one Israeli, "you mean frier. "Yes,"
answered Rabbi Orlafsky, "G-d is the Ultimate frier."
Our Sages say that to improve on a trait, one way is to study
about that trait. I recommend the Chofetz Chaim Center
— which has a free phone line, books and tapes about
kindness. Also, I have gone through the Chofetz Chaim's
Ahavas Chessed—a book that has truly changed my
life and perspective on giving and kindness. Also studying
Chassidic and mystical writings about kindness will help
you.
Response 10 I have been refining my personal concepts
of tzedokah and kavonoh for many years,
especially during the past 15+, wherein I have cooked for and
fed 200 homeless people each week. My fluctuation between
generosity and stinginess used to plague me and I offer the
following insights:
I am human....and I have my limits. When I donate blood, I
cannot give too much....or risk jeopardizing my own health.
Therefore, I can appropriately create boundaries to keep my
emotional health balanced when a street friend asks either
for more than his share....or more than I am willing to give
at that moment. Also, I generally only give food and
clothing, etc. on my regular trips, and decline requests for
money saying, "I only have food to provide today." Only
Hashem is limitless — we are not.
On days other than my regular feedings on the streets, when
someone asks for money.....I make my decision based upon
whether my heart is moved (within my obligation to perform
tzedokah).....not if I judge the person to be truthful
or 'worthy.' It is the other person's responsibility to his
own conscience whether he is both fair and truthful.
Whenever I feel stingy, I see this as an opportunity to
search for reasons for dimming the Divine spirit within me
— perhaps my own feelings of unworthiness, inadequacy
or low self-esteem?
[Ed. Do our readers have anything to add? Send to me,
directly at shyated@netvision.net.il or to emussar,
miler23@netvision.net.il]
