Re: Hidden Secrets from Parshas Re`ei
[Ed. This piece told of a not-so-young woman who finally got
married to someone she admired and was attracted to —
only to discover after a few months that he was taking
medication. The article does not specify for what condition,
nor does it tell what she did. I challenged our readership to
make space for her to continue her life and not seek a
divorce. True, she was devastated that he had lied, or
rather, concealed his condition, but was this not Hashem's
way of bringing them together? Might it not be better to
preserve this marriage after the fact and make the best of
the situation?
We received interesting feedback, and would welcome future
comments as well. Email address: shyated@netvision.net.il or
mail to Weinbach, Panim Meirot 1, Jerusalem. Here goes:]
LETTER I
I feel that she has every right to find out exactly what is
going on with her husband. It is outrageous how he can hide
this vital information from the woman he will be with for the
rest of his life! I would definitely get to the bottom of the
situation and really think and consider if I want to keep
this relationship going when from the start there are
lies!
A couple must be very honest with each other in every aspect
of their lives. What the guy did was very wrong and must be
dealt with very seriously. She has to be open-minded and
consider divorce. Otherwise, she is risking being lied to
again in the future about other things as well.
Hananel Gez
LETTER II
I certainly agree with the editor's direction. Hopefully they
can seek counseling on this.
I could go on & on, but we each need to do our best with what
Hashem sends us. Perhaps he was planning to tell her when he
felt more ready, & she caught him off guard. It doesn't mean
that he is a dishonest person.
I hope they build a bayis neeman b'Yisroel.
Signed, a reader
Letter III
I read your article with interest. I am not bona fide
yeshivish, rather a BT guy for half his life who gravitates
the most to the yeshivish world and is most influenced by it.
Based on what I know and hear, illnesses or diseases are a
major no-no in such circles when it comes to
shidduchim. I'd say very few people would take the
chance you described at the end of the article. Everyone
wants a healthy, strong, viable marriage partner, and it's
essentially "survival of the fittest" out there. All
sensitivity that goes along with being frum goes down
the drain when it comes to this aspect of life. I dated a
girl from an FFB family. She told me, probably after five
dates, that she was bi-polar, on shock therapy and previously
was suicidal. While I liked her very, very much and clicked
with her more than with any girls I've gone out with to date
(over 50), I gave this situation a lot of thought and ended
our relationship not long thereafter for the sake of both of
us. What would you have done in my place?
Avraham
Editor: Avrohom, thank you very much for your communication.
My editorial remark was only "after the fact." I would never
recommend MARRYING a girl/guy in such a situation unless the
other side has its own "skeleton in the closet" and jointly,
they consult daas Torah for advice and blessisng. But
here she was, ALREADY married, and it seems, rather
happily.
What would her prospects have been as a divorcee? Better than
a single girl? Could they not have established a happy family
after having come to terms with the situation? Just as an
aside, we recently hosted a lovely couple, where the husband
was being successfully treated for manic-depression. His wife
had her own medical problems and they had consciously decided
to get married and make a go of it!
I do believe a person has to make the best out of life's
mistakes and challenges. Hashem had undeniably! brought them
together and if she could, she should help him in every way,
once they ironed out the sticky business of his having
concealed the fact from her.
What if: The husband had first become emotionally disturbed
sometime in the marriage? Would she "throw him out with the
bathwater?" What if she had become post-partum-ly depressed?
Would he cast her off? And if, 10-30 years down the line he
had succumbed to Alzheimer"s disease? Or if, G-d forbid, he
became crippled through an accident? Would divorce be a
legitimate, ethical solution?
Is this very different than giving birth to a defective child
and giving it away for adoption? And what about senile
parents? Do we lock them up and throw, I mean, sever all
contact with them?
This couple is already married, and marriage is a holy
contract, a bris nisuin, a convenant, not a disposable
agreement, or one with a refundable guarantee. With today's
sophisticated medication, his problem was most probably under
control, if she only really noticed it after the fact
of discovering the pills. Not getting divorced in this case
is, by the way, the opinion of a prominent Rosh Yeshiva whom
I consulted on the matter.
I would like to quote a few lines from an excellent book I
recently borrowed, Buy Green Bananas, by Rabbi Berel
Wein. The chapter is called, "Quitters Ultimately are
Losers."
"There are many moments in life when we are sorely tempted to
quit. People regularly, and, in fact, in overwhelming
numbers, quit on their marriages, their children, their
parents, their careers. Lately it has become fashionable to
quit even on life itself."
And ". . . the greatest tragedy in life is to quit on
oneself. We all have handicaps, weaknesses, fears and moments
of despair. The true test of the human spirit . . . is [the]
tenacity and determination to persevere, to succeed and to
overcome."
The rest of the book is likewise worth reading!
The bottom line, as a reader above stated, is that they must
come to terms with the fact of his deception, which means to
forgive, and to resolve to be honest with one another in the
future. But why shouldn't they make the best of the
situation, which, I feel, rules out the divorce option.
Expecting some more (welcome) flak from you readers, I am,
yours truly,
Sheindel Weinbach
