Part II
"If you have been dating for a few years and haven't been
able to develop a connection with anyone after several dates,
it's possible that a dating mentor can help you." That is how
psychotherapist Rosie Einhorn and family lawyer Sherry
Zimmerman see it.
As founders of the organization "Sasson V'Simcha — The
Center For Jewish Marriage", they know from experience. They
have been advising singles, training mentors, and giving
workshops to singles, parents, and members of the community
for close to ten years. They regularly receive "mazal tov"
calls, informing them of an engagement, from people who have
read their book, "Talking Tachlis — A Single's
Strategy for Marriage", or have heard them speak, as well
as individuals they have mentored. Many of these callers are
people who had been dating unproductively for years and
actualized success after they changed their mindset,
attitude, or dating technique. With the help which Sasson
V'Simcha and its founders provided, many others have been
able to identify and overcome "roadblocks" that in the past
kept them from moving forward.
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What can parents do to help?
A lot. Starting when your children are young; emphasize the
importance of marriage as a life goal and the positive
aspects of being married and building a Torah home. Encourage
your children to look forward to the time when they will be
able to date for marriage. Frum families are being
assaulted by contemporary society's emphasis on self-
actualization and self-fulfillment at the expense of
marriage.
We have to show our children that the Torah values of
marriage, giving of oneself, and building a family are
extremely fulfilling and that our Torah lifestyle enables us
to be givers and builders rather than takers. In addition, we
should help them understand that a good marriage gives young
people the framework to blossom and become self- actualized
— marriage will help them have a far more rewarding
life than will the lifestyle idealized by secular values.
When children are almost ready to begin to go out on
shidduchim, encourage them to do some of the exercises
we describe in Talking Tachlis [Parshas V'Eschanan,
Home and Family]. These exercises can help them get a good
sense of the type of individual they are, the direction they
would like to travel in life, and the personal qualities that
make them unique. Once they know more about themselves, they
can identify the personal qualities in another person that
will complement their own.
Talk to each other about the best way to describe your child
as a potential shidduch, and to highlight the
attributes s/he is looking for in a future spouse. The best
way to do this is by emphasizing four special qualities about
your child and four special qualities that your child is
looking for. Discourage long, petty lists that limit choices
for no important reason.
Help your child set realistic goals and expectations, and
tell them a little about human nature. For instance, our
children may not realize that that people grow in marriage
and the person they date is a work in progress. We have met
girls who confessed that they refused suggestions about
certain young men because they didn't seem to be serious
enough in their learning; years later, these men are more
mature, married, and still learning, and the girls are still
looking.
Parents have to be sensitive to their child's needs and not
try to superimpose their own wishes on their child. We have
counseled frum, yeshivish singles who have been going
out for years, always with someone they wouldn't consider
marrying, because their parents refuse to take their needs
seriously and continue to push their own agenda. Parents
should also realize that there is no magic age that makes a
person ready to date for marriage.
If children aren't ready, don't push them. Instead, encourage
them to address what they feel they need to sort out or
accomplish before they will be ready to date. If your child
has fears or low self-esteem, or is socially awkward, find a
professional to help address these issues so that when your
children do begin to date they are more socially skilled,
confident, and optimistic. If your children are concerned
about how they will set up their home, continue education
and/or pay bills, discuss how you can help in a reasonable
way, according to what you can do, and how they can
contribute.
And on a practical level?
Help your children be mature enough to be good marriage
partners and to be ready to assume the responsibilities of
married life by encouraging them gradually to take
responsibility for themselves and for other people. For
instance, encourage them to make certain decisions on their
own and learn to deal with the consequences. Let them learn
how to manage an allowance, handle their own laundry, and
help with household tasks, even if they are only home for
bein hazemanim. Encourage them to participate in
community/chessed projects. All of this prepares them
to be giving and responsible people.
A mother contacted us about her 27-year-old son, who was
living at home, going for career training, working part time,
and had no desire to date for marriage. She told us that he
had absolutely no responsibilities and came and went as he
pleased, while she did his laundry, prepared his meals, and
took care of all of his finances. We told her that one reason
he wasn't motivated to get married was that he was treated
like a 15-year-old rather than an adult! We encouraged her
and her husband to make changes that would enable him to
become more responsible for himself and less self-
centered.
Any common mistakes to avoid?
The most common one is — don't tell a single, "You are
being too picky." It is not helpful advice to them. Everyone
is looking for the right person for himself or herself. A man
or woman that you think is picky may simply need guidance
about dating, or they may be not realize they are not looking
for what's right for them. Sometimes, they just haven't met
the right person. If you don't know a single well, don't push
him to date when the suggestion is not right for him, or not
what he is looking for.
Just because two people seem right for each other "on paper"
doesn't mean that their personalities are right together.
Realize that both people need to develop a connection and
attraction to each other when they are dating. This often
develops gradually. However, if a couple has gone out several
times and haven't started to form a connection, they are
probably not right for each other. We think it is a mistake
to tell such people that the connection will develop after
they are married — it often does not happen. With
Hashem's help, each of them will soon find the person who is
right for them.
Tell us about "Dating 101"
This is a class we give to help young women prepare for
successful shidduch dating. We tell how they can
discover what type of person they should be looking for, what
to talk about with their parents, and how they can help
themselves be mature enough to be a good spouse. We point out
that when they go out with a young man, the basics should
have been resolved — they should be on the same page in
terms of goals, lifestyle, and other important factors.
The real purpose of going out is to see if personalities are
compatible. We educate them about the dating process, and
talk about healthy as well as unrealistic expectations about
how their dates should progress. In addition, we talk to them
about how they can evaluate whether someone they are dating
is right for them.
Part of our talk includes introducing dating skills. For
example, we encourage singles to take a lesson from the
business world, and be prepared for the first date by being
well-dressed and with a plan for their end of the
conversation. It will prove very helpful for them to develop
a repertoire of some stories, anecdotes, and good open-ended
questions. Help them select a topic that they feel strongly
about — as they discuss it and become excited, they'll
come off as an interesting person.
We advise them to discuss lighter subjects — "airplane
talk" — on the first date, and how to introduce more
personal topics as the dates continue, including lifestyle
expectations, child rearing and education, and how they
picture their home life and Shabbosim in their home. We
suggest the types of questions that will help them learn how
the other person thinks, how s/he handles stressful
situations, what they dislike and what they admire, and what
they want to accomplish in life. We also recommend going out
twice a week, when possible. More can get too intense too
quickly, and less can make a person lose interest.
What's next?
We feel very strongly that parents and schools should be
playing a greater role in preparing young men and women for
dating and for marriage, so that they choose the partners who
are right for them and go on to build stable, happy, enduring
marriages. All of us can see that our sons and daughters need
guidance in this area.
We suggest that every high school and seminary should have a
day-long seminar, preferably a few times a year, on the topic
of dating and marriage. Shiurim should cover subjects
ranging from the centrality of marriage and family in Jewish
life, how the Torah views the relationship between a husband
and a wife, and what traits and interpersonal skills young
people should strive to develop so that they can be good
marriage partners. A considerable part of the program should
expand on the topics we cover in our Dating 101 programs.
We would also like to see more classes to train married
people to be mentors for singles. Most singles look for
guidance while they are dating, and they need to be able to
turn to knowledgeable, insightful people who are able to give
them a listening ear, emotional support, and good advice. A
good mentor can help a dater gain clarity to make wise
choices, and can `hold the hand' of a single who needs that
extra amount of encouragement to become engaged or cope with
the stress of engagement. Our organization offers training
workshops for mentors in Israel and in many U.S. cities.
Boruch Hashem, we see so much success. Someone called
recently to tell us that she had had three children in
shidduchim, and thanks to our programs, they are all
married now. There's another aspect of our work that is even
more encouraging to us. It's the fact that our organization
has helped make people aware that there are many ways they,
too, can help couples meet, marry, and build Torah homes
— by serving as mentors, by offering guidance programs
to singles and to parents, by setting up effective
matchmaking committees, by being able to refer singles to
therapists who can help them deal with roadblocks.
We feel certain that as we expand our programs, and more
people get involved, many more lasting marriages can take
place
