Question:
Dear Shadchanit,
Don't think that I am a vain mom, but I want the best for my
kids in shidduchim and I sometimes find myself
becoming so picky that only the best will do... I know a lot
of good things about my kids but I would never claim that
they were perfection.
Yet when it comes to checking names out, I see that I become
so picky, trying to analyze what I am hearing, to ferret out
info. Trying to envision the person I am hearing about is
difficult, but compromising is even more so...
Maybe parents as a group need "reality therapy"? Maybe
someone can approach gedolim to get more chizuk
for parents and more guidance?
To look for the good and the wholesome and not necessarily
the best all around ...We also would prefer not to hurt
people's feelings when we reject them for not being
perfect...
Thanking you in advance for your time and attention,
Far From Perfect
but still wants the best for each child
Answer:
There is a feeling of tranquility and accomplishment when the
parents feel their children married well; building their
lives with a wonderful person and into a fine warm family.
But the bumps along the way in the dating process are nerve
racking, to put it mildly . . . After we get the call (if
you have a boy) or finally after much nudging get the
matchmaker to come up with a suggestion (if you have a girl),
comes the homework stage.
Perfection
Only a compatible couple should meet. It is not advisable for
the pair to date to try it out, unless there are reasons why
it could be a successful match. You can only know if it is a
possibility, if, once you hear the suggestion and it sounds
like a realistic option, you then verify the information.
I heard in the name of Harav Shach ztzvk'l that one
should be careful and thorough in the inquiries. We want to
avoid unnecessary meetings, disappointments, and emotional
pain.
But we get so involved in questionnaires that we forget that
what we might hear won't necessarily be 100% good, because no
one is perfect, as you admitted. But what are you really
ready to compromise on? Or is it worth waiting for a future
suggestion that might be more on target?
Processing the Answers
Sometimes we try to analyze and read into what the other
person answered. For example, there is an illustrious Rosh
Yeshiva who, when he says "good", really means great. But he
won't say excellent unless the boy is very close to him. Boys
that he considers good are really first-rate but have
developed more of a relationship with other rabbonim.
What he is really saying is that although he knows that Moshe
is high quality, he doesn't know him intimately.
There is nothing wrong with that. But some might be
suspicious that he said "good" without great enthusiasm. Or
if he might say that he doesn't know him so well, maybe it
means that he is really not such a good boy . . . But none
of those are true. You have to try to understand what is the
style of the person you're talking to, rather than read into
his words things he never really said.
In a different instance, the person asking was from a
different culture then the one answering. Although both spoke
the same language fluently, I was shocked at how the
questioner came to warped conclusions and interpretations . .
.
I try if possible to get information from people from a
culture I understand and can relate to. When I can't count on
someone else to help me with that, I try to take what I hear
with questions marks, aware that there might be
misunderstandings.
I know someone that is so afraid to say loshon hora
that in general he claims not to know anyone well. He will
try as much a possible to be vague and recommend calling
others instead.
I have learned to avoid using him as a reference, for he
really feels uncomfortable and would rather not be called.
But between you and me: who wants to be called, really? Even
if according to halochoh one has to leak out negative
information, it is done out of obligation. Unless there are
only positive things to say; we feel good to give praise. And
then when we like someone, we will really want to cause an
impression . . . Someone told me that Rav Avigdor Miller
zt'l said to discount a great percentage of
compliments, for what is said is usually exaggerated . . .
Anyway, the question is how to process what you hear. It
depends on many factors. You might try to be thorough, but a
lot also relies on the willingness of the other person to be
helpful and accurate.
Questions that are pointed to information that might not be
public knowledge will be difficult to get to. General queries
might give you leads but not much more than that. Is he a
good boy? Obviously there are usually good things to relate
about someone, even if in certain areas he might have serious
shortcomings.
Rabbi Akiva and Kalba Savua
Let's say the question is if he learns well. Someone could
say "yes", even if he is not the top boy in the yeshiva. An
average boy might not have the most gifted brain, but if he
makes a real effort, he may be successful. Or a creative,
novel thinker, might not fully understand a shiur . .
.
Somehow, most girls want a "Rabbi Akiva," a bochur who
is growth oriented, has high spiritual aspirations and will
potentially have many students. While after they get married,
eventually with financial struggles, they want a "Kalba
Savua" — a rich father-in-law . . .
Of course to marry a future godol is fine. But who
says every girl can handle it? It takes a lot of
responsibility to be married to someone with great potential,
being by his side to help him fulfill it.
I recently suggested a boy that has a sterling reputation,
fine traits, and is a diligent learner. The girl's family
rejected him because his learning is good, but not
outstanding, since she is looking for a tzaddik . . .
The father retorted: "That's what they taught her in seminary
. . . Let's see if she can get it . . . "
Or if Peretz really looks for a beauty and in every other
area she has to be outstanding as well, he will have
difficulty. Every detail a person demands might be at the
expense of something else, unless the priorities are clear
and with the knowledge that a person can't possibly get
everything. However, universal values in terms of traits,
family, health, etc. are pretty much accepted.
But if Shulamit wants a good learner, who has the best
character traits, is idealistic and realistic, fun and
serious, intellectual and feeling, inspired and practical,
confident and modest, handsome, etc. to a degree of
excellence that is beyond a living being, where is she going
to find him?
How can side factors take precedence over yiras
Shomayim, fine character traits, pleasant personality,
etc? If there are so many fine points that a person requires,
he might have to end up compromising on something that is
fundamental and basic. For it is unfeasible to find someone
that could possibly fulfill all prerequisites if there are
millions of them.
What often happens is that people might not hear about
faults. Either they won't be revealed or the person might not
figure out the hints. Hashem might conceal them and by the
time they meet and like each other, they will focus on the
positive. Only later, much later, reality hits that it was
not exactly what they expected, but they are happy with the
relationship and the shortcomings are minor. Had they known
that ———, they would never have proceeded.
(Although the poor matchmaker didn't know it either, she gets
blamed for lying!) Yes, but it was intended in Heaven and it
was just what both needed!
My mother says that you can only really get to know someone
by living with the person, by being married for a while.
Hopefully, then they will still admire each other, even when
the "dirty laundry" becomes exposed . . .
Considering that the candidate has the basic requirements
your child needs, their happiness is the main thing. I have
seen parents break off a relationship while the children were
ready to get engaged, because they felt the girl wasn't
pretty enough. But he was happy with her . . .
Often, grown up children refuse to take guidance and reject
every suggestion, looking for excuses, while the parents keep
unsuccessfully trying to put common sense into their minds.
In the past, parental authority was much more respected. In a
case where the child can't receive it from parents, they
should at least find a responsible Rebbe, teacher, etc. to
fill in that important role.
HaRav Chaim from Volozhin, zt'l
Someone once asked my niece, "Why, preferably, should the boy
come from this Yeshiva, she from that seminary, her father
should be x and mother y?" There is definitely a preferred
layout for the "choshuve mishpochoh," the well-born,
distinguished family. Let's say for whatever justifiable
reason she couldn't get into the best seminary, she is still
a great girl. Or let's say her parents are wonderful but
don't have a position of status, etc. Does Hashem then really
think less of them? She said: "You're right, but we are not
in Heaven!"
To be realistic is not easy. We are always analyzing,
wondering if our decisions are biased or not. We have to try
to be sincere and really prioritize what this child really
needs, rather than get stuck on flawlessness.
Even with all the efforts to find the best possible
candidate, we have to know what our limitations are. Within
reason, we try to do what we can. We make contacts and check
out the suggestions. Mainly we pray. But at the same time, we
have to learn to let go. We can't expect everything to go our
way. We can't control exactly who will marry whom. But with
life experience and wisdom, we can prioritize the main
requirements. There is no perfection in this world and there
will definitely be compromises.
HaRav Chaim Volozhiner wrote that the gedolim said
that it's forbidden to have pride when it comes to
shidduchim. He criticizes a man who refuses to marry a
woman because she doesn't have all the virtues, lineage, and
money. Because of that, time passes and he pushes away good
suggestions with the excuse that they are not fitting for his
honor and importance. (Obviously, a person has wants. The
question is when no one is good enough . . . )
According to Rav Chaim Volozhin it seems that one good
counsel is avoiding arrogance . . .
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success
in helping people through shidduchim. Please note that
all names have been changed unless specified with the
exception of well-known public figures like Gedolim
and educators. Any comments, questions and stories can be
sent to: travisdn@013.net or at (02) 656- 3111
