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Home
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Chessed — a Shidduch for Singles & Marrieds!
by Dena Newman
There have been many articles lately about the plight of
singles — and truly, everyone does feel sorry for those
whose shidduchim are delayed. Is there value in
assigning blame? Yes, to an extent, because that is how we
can problem-solve. There is a need for education, and
counseling, so that singles can be realistic about what is
out there, and can be goal-oriented. I once attended a
lecture, where one of the women asked the speaker why older
women become more qualified and older men deteriorate. You
may agree or not, but interestingly, the speaker turned to
the men and said, "Nu?"
Is this the case? If so, then perhaps we can get the men to
improve themselves, but we need to work with reality. If that
is what is out there, then that is what is available. If the
goal is to get married and establish a Torah home, that has
to be the focus, not the looks, clothing, bank account, or
hobbies. The important factors, such as middos tovos
and hashkofos must be the priority. Let's bear in mind
that each of us will get our tailor-made challenges in one
form or another, it cannot be avoided. And growth through the
way we handle each and every situation is what life is all
about.
I recently introduced a 36-year-old woman to a 48-year-old
man, both single. In speaking with them after the date, I had
my work cut out for me. The man said that he thought she was
very nice, but really, they had nothing in common. "How could
that be?" I asked him. "Don't you both want to build a Torah
home? Aren't you looking for an eishes chayil to run
your home and raise your children? That needs to be your
priority. You need to see if you can enjoy her company and
get along with her." I didn't want to risk hurting his
feelings by saying the obvious — he should be jumping
at the chance to marry a young (for him) girl.
When I spoke to her, I had more. She told me that she was
very impressed with his manners, and that he was interesting,
intelligent, etc, but she didn't really know if they would be
able to get along, since they came from such different
backgrounds. I couldn't help but think of a book I read,
Deep in the Russian Night. It is an historical
autobiography of an amazing man, Aaron Chazan, who kept his
Yiddishkeit, beard and payos throughout the Russian
revolution. His adherence to halochoh was unwavering.
There was hardly another person like him in the entire
Russia. His acquaintances told him he'd never find a wife.
When he heard about a frum girl from a frum
family, he became engaged to her, sight unseen. And they
shared a committed life, worked together through many
hardships and raised a Torah-true family of many children.
Their focus was marriage, to build a Torah home.
Even with focus, it isn't always easy to find another focused
person! Can marrieds work more on arranging
shidduchim? They can and they should. When getting
together at simchas, meeting in the store or park, the
topic of shidduchim should be brought up. Everyone
knows some singles, so each of us can participate, and as
long as shmiras haloshon guidelines are followed, no
one has to feel left out. The more it is in the forefront of
conversation, the more ideas that can be generated, and
maybe, just maybe, through such a discussion, two more people
can be on their way to building another Jewish home.
Meanwhile, I have a suggestion for singles. How about taking
some time for regular chessed with a family that is
fortunate enough to be raising a family, but is really
overwhelmed? Yes, children are a blessing, but they require
loads of time and attention. So many marrieds (especially
those with a bunch of little children) don't have time for
exercise, to spend a few hours outside the home together, or
have time to attend classes to get to know themselves better,
or even to do any reading! They also cannot afford to go out,
just like that!
I realize that singles may have a full schedule, doing many
worthwhile things, but maybe it is time to rearrange a bit,
so that you can call a family and do errands, go shopping,
carpool, baby-sit, cook... Or — this is a wild idea
— pay for a child's tuition! Another tremendous
zechus. As with most mitzvos, you will not only
earn merit, but can also gain right away; with new skills,
experiences, and insights. Perhaps you will come to a higher
level of understanding of what you really need in a
spouse.
I realize that many singles are doing chessed and
giving tzedokoh, just as many marrieds are working on
shidduchim, but from what I observe at the sidelines,
there is great need in large families for help of all kinds,
and now is a great time to begin to help fill that need.
I was in the store the other day, shopping for my married
daughter in addition to my own large family. As I explained
to an acquaintance the reason for my overflowing cart, she
said, "I wish I had my mother to shop for me. (I thought I
wouldn't mind it myself!)" Does it take extra time to shop
for two? Yes. But doing chessed is a very high
priority. True, it may leave you with less time for yourself,
but it can be a great educational and growing experience. And
in the merit of that extra chessed, may Hashem send
your bashert, speedily!
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