Question:
Every Shabbos, as I relax on my couch right after candle-
lighting, I look forward to your articles. You have an
original, thorough way of tackling important subjects which
many avoid commenting on.
We have a question regarding our next child in line. His
peers are getting married quickly. We feel our son is still
quite immature, and although we get suggestions, we are not
in a rush to start the process. But perhaps we are being
overly cautious. Could you comment on readiness for girls as
well?
Anonymous
Answer:
Growing Pains
I am not sure what you mean by "immature." People could use
the same word and mean different things. A youngster can be
"unripe," a late bloomer. Or simply time and experiences
take its course and eventually prepare the person for future
commitments.
It reminds me of the term "growing pains." A child can have
an ache that is real but upon examination, the doctor finds
that everything is okay. Rather than being a psychological
symptom, in rapid growth there is the discomfort of the body
rapidly developing and causing temporary soreness in certain
areas.
Along those lines, I have also heard the expression called a
"mum ovver," a temporary blemish that will correct
itself with time and life experience; in other words, a
slightly immature person, once thrown into marriage, will
grow up and learn to stand on his two feet. This is very
common, especially with young couples, though they certainly
need a lot of guidance.
Torah responsibility is largely dependent on self-
motivation, so people who are pressured into marriage when
they aren't emotionally ready for it, could end up harming
their marriage partner.
Parents have to be very careful when their children seem not
to be motivated to start dating. Sometimes all they need is
a gentle nudge and encouragement. Although in general, the
boy or girl will eventually want to date, for it is healthy
to feel the need to get on to the next step in life and the
excitement to start building a family.
Beyond age, we all know of immature and perhaps eccentric
bachelors. But even they, hopefully, with the right
counseling, do get their act together.
Some might do well in all areas, but lack the decisiveness
to make a marriage commitment. I've learned not to be quick
to judge people. A difficult background and some hard-core
issues can be some of the common blocks. Some are so
negative that they look for fault in every suggestion,
search for excuses for not settling down.
Not dealing with the issues and expecting them to just
disappear won't take them anywhere. The added frustration
only hurts them more and the automatic ruling out of good
candidates for an unjustified reason or mere excuse only
contributes even more to allowing them to pass up possibly
good opportunities.
Responsibility
Getting back to the original question, I also asked myself
in seminary, how would I know when I was ready. I remember
asking that of a wise teacher. She thought for a minute,
then told me to picture the following scene: "You're holding
one child, another is crying, the phone is ringing, etc. Are
you ready to give?"
Although the description of what awaits a woman and more
might seem like an exaggeration, it is not. It could and
will easily happen in the busy schedule of a mother and
housewife.
Besides the physical tasks that are time consuming like
cooking, shopping, laundry, etc. there are no less important
spiritual responsibilities. Davening is the direct
connection to The One in charge. Some prayers with
concentration can make the day, the future, and cause my
life in general to run smoother. A shiur, Torah tape
and/or sefer can inspire me to do my daily task with
more joy. And even kosher music can lighten up the home
atmosphere, adding to the ambiance.
The woman is like the "barometer of the house," being
responsible to create the right tone and atmosphere. Her
commitment to the correct values will set the pitch for the
family. And primarily, she will be the one to spend the most
time educating the children.
A girl has to know with wisdom that unless she respects her
husband, they will be set for disaster. There is a famous
saying that if a wife treats her husband like a king, he
will relate to her like a queen. But if she bosses him like
a servant, he will affirm his authority accordingly.
She needs to be able to appreciate and admire another
person. And consequently be able to look up to him. She must
harness her energies to being an ezer knegdo. A girl
who is not modest or mature will have difficulty in knowing
how to build up, complement, and nurture another person,
rather then keeping only herself on the front lines.
For a young man as well, there is a general maturity of
being able to take on responsibilities. The husband is
expected to be the high authority, the head of the
household. Even if he is working, it's essential that he
makes an effort to maintain a set learning schedule. Dealing
with halachic questions and spiritual decisions will be in
his realm. His Torah knowledge and joy in fulfilling
mitzvos must inspire and guide his family.
In addition, the husband needs to have a sense of direction,
of where the couple is headed, what are their aspirations
and priorities. Obviously, in life there is always the
unknown, a person needs to have a certain awareness of his
goals. Especially in a Torah home, Torah values take on
priority and there is a constant striving to be better
ovdei Hashem.
In the emotional department, his task is challenging. To put
it mildly, dealing with a woman is not always easy. A woman
needs to feel loved and appreciated. Her sensitivities can
puzzle the most emotionally aware of men. It takes more than
good intentions to understand and give a wife what she
needs.
Marital Harmony Entails Compromise
If I only love myself and my opinions, I can get stuck in my
set of circumstances On the scale of closeness, my family
gets the priority. Our partner is the one we see constantly,
also when we are in a bad mood, had a hard day, or didn't
get enough sleep. Automatically a human being can be self-
focused and deal only with his conveniences, but marriage is
a partnership. There are many prerequisites such as being
able to focus more on giving than taking, which invariably
touches on having the capability to be responsible and care
for another human being. The only way to do it is by valuing
the partner with the highest esteem. Therefore, the Rambam
and Tur stress that a couple is obligated to give one
another enormous honor and respect. This utmost appreciation
and admiration create a truly loving bond, much stronger
than most family ties. When "I" becomes "we," the needs of
the partner become dear and close to heart.
A well-known Rabbi of a recent generation wrote that marital
harmony is imperative and requires a marked effort. It is
therefore necessary that partners both give in and
compromise a bit: not to insist on "winning" and
"vanquishing" the other, and being "right all the time."
Therefore, learning to compromise is the maturity that
things won't always go my way, because it's not a monologue,
a one-way relationship; but a bond, a partnership. On paper
it sounds easy: give, give, and give. But in practice, we
all have certain preferences and feel strongly about them.
The only way to do it is by learning to forget and forgive.
A respected rebbitzin told me that she prays daily to
be able to overlook her husband's faults. This constant work
focuses on the successes and on overcoming the daily
challenges. Marriage is about building; both partners have
to be willing to work hard. It doesn't come naturally. But
even that giving should be focused not only on what I want,
but also what the other needs.
My husband I still laugh when we remember a strange present
he gave me once, it was a piece of modern art: an original
design flower vase. He liked it and bought it for me. I
politely said "thank you,' but he understood that the next
present would be something more conventional, something more
to my taste than his. A well-known wife of a talmid
chochom told me that her husband used to give her pots
for Yom Tov when they were first married. He was practical
— "We need pots." But eventually he understood [as did
our own Chazal] that what she really wanted was
jewelry or new clothes. Before I started shidduchim,
I thought that if I married the right person, everything
would certainly turn out OK. But life taught me that all the
accomplishments my husband and I have in our relationship
came from praying and working hard on ourselves.
Trust
Eventually, once the couple decides to get engaged, the
commitment brings a certain bond. The base is there, but
real relationship can only be developed in marriage. There
must, initially, be the potential that both sides are
prepared to nurture the connection. There has to be mutual
trust that both want the best for each other and are
committed to their common goals. This reliability and
commitment, the Maharal said, is the essence to maintain a
marriage. When two single capable people are ready to fully
invest in that relationship, the results will certainly be
blessed, so that beyond age, there is a certain quotient of
being prepared to erect a home, of transmitting the
tradition to children together with a spouse, but at the
same time with one supporting another both can feel much
stronger and fulfilled. A frum counselor wrote that
the marital success of the frum Jew is to marry only
someone committed to Torah law. Find out early on before
marriage if the person has one or more rabbis whom (s)he
goes to for halachah and life questions. Find out
from the rabbi(s) if the person obeys faithfully; especially
when doing so is a test of will, character or self-
discipline. "If you only marry someone who has a consistent
history of uncompromisingly and steadily obeying
halachah and daas Torah, and of having refined
character traits; the chances are much greater that you will
not lose out, because the Torah tells the mature person
truly devoted to the will of G-d what to do in every single
situation of life."
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success
in helping people through shidduchim. Please note
that all names have been changed unless specified, with the
exception of well-known public figures like Gedolim
and educators. Any comments, questions and stories can be
sent to: dytravis@013.net or at (02) 656-3111
