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Home and Family

The Joy of the Blessing
by Esther Weil

Part IV

This time: Distribution of labor and the feeling of individuality within the big family.

We hear from Hadassa, Yaffi, Rochy, Rebbetzin Chana. Zissi and Yehudit, mothers and daughters of families blessed with many children. All the names are fictitious; no one agreed to be interviewed under their own names.

For Whom Is It More Difficult?

"It's more difficult coping, in my opinion, when there is a small number of children at home," says Hadassa, the daughter and mother of large families. "When there are only small children at home, the tasks seem like an insurmountable mountain but when there are blessedly ten children or more, among them older children as well, it's easier to manage with the totality of a large family. There's with whom to share the burden.

"I meet mothers of large families and ask them: 'How do you manage?' And they answer me: 'I don't!' but with such a broad smile of happiness. They don't manage but they're not afraid and they're not fazed. At my house, each one of the children contributes his share and there's harmony.

"I relied primarily on the eldest daughter in the family who's the main helper. When she got married, it seemed that my world was falling apart, but then the next oldest took upon herself the tasks that became available. My oldest assumed cleaning the house; my standard is lower than hers and I am satisfied with much less than she. It's a matter of priorities. From birth to birth, the level of scrubbing goes down if we're talking about things of lesser importance.

"The mother of a large family in actuality does much less. The children shop, clean, help cook and help take care of their younger siblings. The mother maintains equilibrium and harmony in the home, makes sure to listen, speak and knows about what is going on with each one, what's bothering him/her and what is making him happy — just like the personnel manager of a factory.

"I heard about a wonderful family that besides being blessed with many children, also welcomed into their home one set of elderly parents whom they are caring for. Their 12-year-old daughter went to buy shoes for her 2-year-old sister and everyone was satisfied. Children who fulfill their household duties are the most satisfied because they feel like they're making a contribution, that they're holding down the fort.

"In this way, they're helping their father learn, even though he also tries to help and enable their mother to fulfill all her roles because she often works outside the home. At home, the mother has an administrative role. She goes out of the house less, she worries more about creating a good atmosphere and sees that the children are happy and healthy, emotionally and physically. She sets the tone and emphasizes what's really important.

"When I was a teenager, we had a clearly defined distribution of tasks. I was responsible for the little children and my big sister took care of the house. That was of significant help to my mother. One time, just before Pesach, I suddenly felt like there was an insurmountable mountain in front of me," says Hadassa. "Today, right after Purim, I call the children and say to them, 'Children, Erev Pesach is approaching. Let's see what we have to do.' I don't have to plan the details; they'll already divide the tasks up between them and determine a timetable for themselves.

"I don't have to stand over them to do something; they manage. Today, everything gets done together. At most, I make up a list of tasks and hang it in an obvious place. Everyone reads it and zeroes in on what suits him. Erev Pesach is a holiday for all of us. If I see that there isn't enough time, I steer them away from renovations and polishing and focus on getting rid of chometz. That's my job as a mother.

"They come to me with ideas about housepainting, renovations and decorating and I decide what's relevant and practical and what isn't. There's no need to ask or to yell. Everyone feels that we're in this together and enjoys it. If only we weren't anxious and just gave them a chance, they would do everything they had to willingly and even happily because they feel that it's their responsibility."

Principles and Priorities

"A pleasant home, full of pleasant experiences, a happy place," is how Yaffi describes her parents' home. The eldest daughter of a large family, she is already the mother of many children. "After the birth of a new baby, we always felt a special joy. Our home was filled with activity and excitement, brimming with life, always full of children and guests. We were a large group of girls and together there was a special atmosphere of happiness. There were many friends and shared experiences."

Who raised your younger brothers and sisters?

"The only one to raise the children was Ima. Of course, my mother rested two hours every day and then it was our job to look after the children but that's not called educating them. She's the one who put the little ones to bed, told the bedtime story and got them dressed in the morning. She did their homework with them. Housework was our department."

"Who raised your children - you or their older siblings?" we asked the rebbetzin, who answered resolutely. "In my opinion, a child cannot raise another child. A child doesn't have the outlook, and certainly not the experience of a parent. A child sees that his sibling did something bad and decides that he deserves a harsh punishment or scolding, but he can't look at the big picture. Even the older sibling shouldn't be turned into a parent.

"A child needs his childhood. Sometimes people burden a six- year-old with taking his three-year-old brother to the park or the baby to the babysitter. These tasks are too big for their little shoulders. Even if they were born into a large family, they need their childhood. They have rights and responsibilities just like every child, within appropriate limits. When my children were young, I didn't go out to shiurim or other events. I didn't make them look after their younger siblings or put them to bed."

Rochi, the daughter and mother of large families: "No question, the parents have to raise their children. I was the youngest of the older ones. I received a lot of help from my siblings but I was raised only by my mother and father. Abba would help me with homework and I spoke to him often during adolescence. Ima took care of me personally at every age according to whatever I needed."

Did you feel you got everything you needed, like an only child?

"I don't feel that I lacked for anything because I was part of a large family. I can't say I received the same attention as an only child would; in every family there are compromises - sometimes I get and sometimes you get - but I think that's how a child in a family of five children also feels."

Rebbetzin, what makes it easier to cope raising such a large family?

"We had and we still have the feeling of being on a mission. My husband is a Holocaust survivor and for each child that is born in our home we say, `This is our revenge on Hitler.' Every new child brings great happiness. Our family is joyful with every new baby because every child that is born rebuilds Am Yisrael anew.

"Practically speaking, we had and we have one principle, that we buy only according to what we have. I never bought anything before I had the money to pay for it. That way I could sleep soundly because I didn't have debts. A person who lives with debt cannot be happy. Even now, we don't have checkbooks or credit cards. Baruch Hashem we have parnassah as we need it. I don't buy a new wig or dress for every wedding of one of my children.

"I had a few principles that helped me in caring for my children: In the morning, when the children were learning, I did the work that required focus, while the afternoons were devoted to the children. At most, I did things that I could do while listening to the children or answering questions — like ironing. The rest of my chores I postponed till the evening or next morning.

"One principle that may sound outdated to young mothers is that the little ones stayed in bed or a playpen until they were two years old. In my opinion, there are too many dangers on the floor. A little child discovers what there is at his eye level like Lego parts, beans that have fallen etc., hairpins and so many dangerous things he's liable to put in his mouth. He also wanders around between the legs of his older brothers and sisters and causes them to get annoyed with him. When he's in bed or in a playpen, he's not lonely, he gets full attention, and his older siblings enjoy playing with him since he doesn't bother them. I think my children were happy."

[Both your editor and the translator take exception to this practice and feel that children will develop far better if they are given freedom to explore. A mother must be on guard because that is her job and she should sweep a few times a day!]

[Proofreader comments: Impossible. With five kids under six, there's always stuff on the ground. A central playpen is a life saving idea.]

"The most important principle in my opinion is planning a daily time and work schedule, each one according to his needs and condition. For me, neatness is an inborn trait, so I don't deserve any credit. I am grateful that I enjoy running things like clockwork and that this is innate, since it helps me run a big household in a small area. A small number of cupboards that we managed to fit in the house have to hold everything and that's because they are perpetually organized. Therefore, everyone can find his things.

"I have trained my children from birth to be on an organized schedule and a planned day. There are regular hours for eating so the children come to the table really hungry and eat with appetite. When we married off children, their siblings got up for school the next day. People asked me how I did it, and how I do it in general: I answer that I don't do anything. I don't wake them up. They get up themselves because that's what they're used to. Here the personal example of the parents is important so that the children grow up organized as well. An organized house helps keep big families organized and creates calm for everyone."

[to be continued]

 

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