Her little bag had been ready for weeks, her new uniform (one
blouse and one new skirt, new for her, the rest are hand-me-
downs from older sisters) hung in the wardrobe and finally
the great day arrived. Ruthie started school.
She is an uncomplicated, happy little girl and was quite
happy to be left at the school gates after a hug and a kiss.
The following days and weeks flew past with the Yomim Noroim
and Succos in between. Then the routine began again with
Ruthie cheerfully joining her older siblings on their way to
school each morning. "How was your day?" "Good!" She never
elaborated on what she had done when she came home, but was
obviously content.
Then one morning, for no particular reason, my six-year-old
daughter announced that she was not going to school that day.
Was she feeling well? Yes, fine. Was Teacher cross yesterday?
No, she is never cross. Are your friends going to school?
Yes, but I am not. Not today.
As luck would have it, I was off work that day. I assured
Ruthie that it was perfectly alright to stay home from school
for one day. Not everybody always feels like going to school.
I also told her that all her big brothers and sisters had
taken a day off during their first year at school. Ruthie was
surprised that I did not try to coax her into going.
We had a good time together that day. We went shopping, we
baked, we cleaned the house together, just as we had done
before she started school. The next day Ruthie went to school
as happily as she had done before. However, three weeks
later, once again on my day off work, my little daughter
decided that she was not going to school. This time I was
`terribly busy' with boring household jobs like tidying the
linen cupboard, at the same time making `urgent' phone calls.
After two hours of boredom, my little girl asked if I could
possibly take her to school, even though it was late.
What would I have done had I not had the day off work? When
one of my boys decided not to go to school one day, I picked
him up and confided that I, too, did not fancy going to work
that day, but had no choice. I told him he would be bored all
alone, and anyway, I wouln't leave him alone; he would have
to go to some neighbor who had no children at home for
company. I then promised him that next time I had a day off,
he could stay home, too. Normally, this should have worked.
When he insisted that he couldn't go to school, I realized
that he was not feeling well and hadn't just wanted to take
the day off.
Children cannot always express their feelings adequately.
When adults want a break from routine, they know how to set
about it, not that they always succeed. Mother has to
empathize with the child who does not fancy going to school,
even if he will have to go in the end, "I know what it feels
like when I go to bed too late; then I am also too tired to
get up in the morning." Or, "You don't feel like going out on
a freezing day like this. We'll have to wrap you up very
well." "You wanted to play with the new game Zeidy bought
you? Let's play it together when we both come home
afterwards."
Sometimes, the child refuses to go to school, day after day.
He will have an excruciating headache or an unbearable
stomach ache. This is something completely different. Mother
will have to find out why it is always on this particular day
of the week. Is there a dreaded spelling test or some other
subject to which he objects? If the unwillingness occurs
haphazardly, not on any particular day, it is essential that
a parent go to school to speak with the teacher. In these
troubled times, when tragedies have struck so many families,
young children may not want to leave the house out of
fear.
A child whose mother was killed in an accident while he was
at school took months to reveal the fact that he thought that
if he left home, something terrible might happen to someone
else. Even if they have suffered no personal tragedy, Israeli
children live amongst others who have suffered, or they have
heard of terrorist attacks. They may well refuse to go to
school and some may need professional counseling.
However, this article is not about the small percentage of
children who have school phobia. On the whole, older children
who refuse to go to school usually have a very good reason.
Perhaps they haven't done their homework. Maybe they have
been given a note to be signed by a parent which they are
afraid to show them. Perhaps they are being bullied. You
might not always find out the reason, but how are you going
to get him to go?
However rushed you may feel, dragging a screaming child to
the bus or to school is counterproductive. Whatever the
reason, when a child balks at going to school, do not get
into a power struggle. You might lose! Bribing a child to go
to school is not a good idea. However, offering a pleasant
experience for after school is not bribery.
After school, we'll go to the park. Or after school, we could
go and buy those new shoes. The child knows that he won't go
to the park in the morning, but if Mommy promises something
for after school, it will happen (bli neder). It is
not a bribe, it is part of daily life. Getting a friend to
come and call for the child might help. Walking or driving
the child up to the school gates may solve the problem. Above
all, listen to the child and "read between the lines." Keep
in regular contact with the teacher (not at midnight!).
During the winter months, when cold and flu strike so many
children and classrooms empty out, we often find the copy-cat
syndrome. Yankele is prefectly well, but he rather fancies
the attention that his sick siblings are receiving, so he
will simulate the symptoms. By all means, let him (or perhaps
insist that he) stay in bed for a day or two. He will be
jumping around most of the time because a healthy child does
not want to stay in bed. When he has had enough of the extra
attention he so craves, he will want to return to school.
May Hashem give a healthy winter to all parents and their
children and grant that every child benefit from each stage
of his education, with pleasure.
