Is there such a thing as a child who is too good? We all pray
for good children. When we light candles on Friday night, and
during every prayer, whether hurried or more relaxed, good
children are a major concern of ours. Are there children in
the world who never express a wish which may be in conflict
with what a parent wants? Children who never shout or argue
or perpetuate some mischief in the process of discovering how
things work? These are the children who are afraid of
dirtying their hands or soiling their clothes. They are
always afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and are in
danger of growing up to be people with problems.
Children are born with a spontaneous instinct of self
preservation. They also have endless curiosity about the
world around them, boundless vitality and tireless joy of
living. A baby is not going to ask his mother if she is tired
or not feeling so well. He wants his food and he wants it
NOW, quite oblivious to the fact that it is three a.m. As he
gets a little older and becomes aware that sometimes it is
difficult for his mother to manage, or that she may, G-d
forbid, be ill, or suffering from depression, this child may
realize that nobody can cope with his demands and that he is
asking the impossible. When a thing is unattainable, his own
ego will have to be subdued. He becomes a child who is `too
good.'
Most children will misbehave in some way or other in order to
get the extra attention and they will somehow make the adult
forget herself in order to supply his needs. Nevertheless,
the phenomenon of the angelic introspective child certainly
exists. He submerges his ego and his legitimate needs.
It is easy to love a child who never causes any trouble. Why
worry about it at all? But children need to express their
feelings at times. They need to scream and stamp their feet.
That does not mean that parents give their child a license to
kick and have tantrums at all times. Children need to know
how far they can go and they do appreciate limits which
parents set. Of course, we have to curb unacceptable
behavior, and of course, we have to teach children to obey.
But we are educating children, not angels.
In Michtav Me'Eliyohu, Rabbi Dessler suggests that
parents find a pretext of some kind to slap the child, even
if only mildly. A child should not think of himself as
perfect. The child must feel convinced that he is beloved and
accepted for what he is, even if he is not perfect. He must
learn not to be afraid of showing his feelings and expressing
his wishes, even if they are not in line with what his
parents want. The child will be far more confident when he
abandons the mantle of being "too good."
A frum psychologist who treats teenagers and young
adults told me that many of his clients, considered the best
students in yeshiva or kollel, complain of panic
attacks, besides a general dissatisfaction with what they are
doing. In short, they are unhappy.
Some lucky children of fortunate parents are born naturally
good. They have the same zest for life as naughty or, rather,
ordinary children, but never have the uge to smash or go
wild. They radiate contentment and enjoyment of life. If
parents feel they have a child who is too good, they will
have to consider WHY he is so good. Is the child under
pressure, either self imposed or through circumstances? Or is
he truly just a wonderfully good person, a blessing in the
family?
