When I was first on my own again, many years ago — and for many years — I was given much "helpful" advice from those who knew best: shadchanim and the re-married, and sometimes even close family and friends. Generally, at my age . . . they wanted me to be realistic, with lowered expectations of re-marrying, to cushion the blow of not re- marrying, to "grab" whoever might want to marry me since it would not do to be "picky."
It was also interesting to me that this part of my life seemed to be wide open to anyone and everyone who wished to say anything they wished on this topic, to ask the most personal of questions, especially about why I had not yet married. They suggested many ideas, out of a strong desire to see me married and happy: If only I spoke like this or thought like that, or dressed in this other way, or . . .
I listened well to everyone's advice, since they seemed to either have more experience than me or were somehow more expert. However, I often had a wonderful laugh over all the advice, knowing that it was all in Hashem's hands anyhow, that I could only do my hishtadlus and then leave it to Him. He certainly knew better than I did if there was another marriage in the future, and to whom!
The first stage of my shidduchim experience was in chutz la'aretz, through actual matchmakers. I did receive several suggestions: There was the nuclear engineer 7 years younger than me who still wanted children (I was beyond the age), or the man who had learned in yeshiva as a bochur, had remained a bochur, and had finished learning years before; or the man who had always wanted to be religious, had not gotten around to it, but with the right woman would want to begin.
There were several men raising their families, wanting to continue to do so alone, but who wanted to date for the next several years. Or the time I had a dream for three consecutive nights that I would meet a David, and the next three shidduchim were all "David's!"
The second stage was in Eretz Yisroel after I made aliyah. These shidduchim were plentiful and varied. They all began with the good news that he is male and she is female, both within 20 years of each other! Made in Heaven! A perfect match! They included men who knew no English at all (my Hebrew was and is very limited, to say the least!); who were years younger; who had many children to raise and wanted the right woman to do it, regardless of her age; who were not even interested in meeting anyone for marriage purposes but were doing a favor to a friend; who were depressed or with other mental illnesses and the right woman could make it all better; who admitted they wanted someone to look after them; who were either not yet keeping mitzvos but planned to soon or were minimally doing so; who certainly expected to have more children and so wanted someone even 20 years younger than they.
Unfortunately, often there were secrets which did not emerge early in the investigation, secrets such as: a man who had been violent with his first wife; 2 or 3 previous marriages rather than one; debts waiting for a wife to pay; severe mental illness with intermittent hospital stays; more children at home under age than stated; no visible means of support; much older than stated; or much less observant. What, I wondered, would happen when these secrets would emerge or was it hoped that, magically, they would never emerge?
A thought did occur to me during the long period of singleness that I would eventually find the right man, but he would not be as I had envisioned: a baal tshuva with a similar background, and about my age or even younger. When I did meet my zivug, he was the exact opposite!
We think we know what is the best for us. We think we can have a list of expectations in the back of our minds and it will come to pass. We must keep reminding ourselves of the enormous part Hashem has in all this, in shidduchim as well as every other aspect of our lives. One illustration will serve well here.
When I decided to stop seeing the man I had been meeting with the longest, I felt quite emotionally drained; in my prayers, I asked Hashem to give me a break of about six months. For the next six months, there was not one suggestion! Having forgotten my original request, I suddenly began to wonder why there were no more suggestions.
Once again, I asked Hashem why there was nothing, still not remembering it had been at my request. That week, the calls began coming in again. In fact, in all the years of shidduchim, in spite of all the dire warnings, each week brought with it at least one suggestion! In spite of the many suggestions and the process involved each time, in the final analysis, there is just the one right match! We never know where the suggestion will come from or in what package. Each suggestion brings us that much closer to the right one. May each of you still in the process keep positive, knowing Hashem has not forgotten us, but it is all in His Hands for the right time and person.
