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IN-DEPTH FEATURES
This is not just "another" story of a convert. This is not
just "another" story of teshuvoh. Rav Natan Gamadza's
story has moved thousands. It will move you — hopefully
to your own teshuvoh and kabbolas Ol Malchus
Shomayim.
Rav Natan Gamadza is a ger tzedek from a unique
background: He is the son of one of the true kings still in
power on our days. His story is an inspirational one of
teshuvoh, that also gives insight into Malchus,
one of the themes of Rosh Hashonoh. The gemora says
that we should try to experience earthly kingship, in order
to appreciate how it is distinct from Jewish kingship that we
will see when the Melech Hamoshiach arrives.
*
I was born in the royal palace. I was given the name Gusinti.
In today's world there are not many true royal monarchies. In
Belgium, for instance, there is a king, but who actually
rules the country? The elected prime minister or the
president.
My father is a king. He has unlimited power to do as he
pleases. There are not many kings in the world who have this
kind of power. Only a few monarchies remain, in Africa and
the Far East. In our day, in most of the world, the title of
king reflects the honor the king receives but does not
reflect any actual power. And we know the definition of king
in Judaism is of a true king.
I saw Father sentence people to death several times during
the course of my life. Generally, it was through
strangulation and sometimes by sword, depending on the
severity of the violation. But this is not something that
happens often. The king uses this power after weighing the
matter carefully, and not out of anger or similar feelings.
First he consults with his advisors and evaluates the
different sides of the matter to determine whether it would
be for the good of the crown.
Gamadzaland is a kingdom in Swaziland, which is located in
Southeast Africa. Its territory is about the same size as
that of Eretz Yisroel. Swaziland has two kings. The other
king, from the Lamini Family, is more famous outside the
country than my father.
The royal palace is huge, with numerous wings. There are
innumerable halls and rooms and everything is built with
splendor and opulence. I was raised by servants, caretakers
and craftsman. I lacked nothing. Private tutors spent long
hours imbibing my brother and me with comprehensive knowledge
in every field.
In the royal palace there are servants whose only task is to
praise the king. They extol him in detail and recall events
that took place in the kingdom's history. They declare his
praises all day! In the palace, the king hears tributes to
him from morning to night. The king wears the royal crown
only during ceremonies, but he is always recognizable because
he wears special clothes.
Standing before the King
In principle the king is available to every subject who wants
to speak with him. This is how one is received:
First one enters a large hall with many people. Whoever comes
to the king begins to extol him with words of praise such as
"the Great Lion," "the Vast Sea" and various other honorary
titles. The king passes through the court and takes note of
someone he is willing to receive, and then he tells his
servant to summon the person to his inner chamber. The person
enters and meets the king who is surrounded by his advisors.
The king is never seated alone.
When somebody comes to speak with Father, he is aware of the
significance of standing before a king with such great power.
Those who speak with the king stand with great awe and fear,
and are careful about every word that leaves their mouth. One
knows that if he upsets the king, it could cost him. I saw
people stutter and tremble in fear. It is a difficult
experience and I saw it every day.
I think the honor and power of a king is identical to the way
his subjects relate to him. We have a custom that forbids
standing higher than the king. If the king is short, as in
our case, everyone stoops down and draws up to him little by
little. During the summer when the king sits on a rug you see
the royal dignitaries crawling on all fours! As they approach
they offer praises — "the Great Lion," "the Vast Sea .
. . "
Sometimes people ask me if those who express their admiration
for the king do so from the bottom of their hearts or because
they have no choice. I think the vast majority of the people
really do respect the king and are not merely showing it on
the outside. The other king in the country, from the Lamini
Family, is just 35 years old and does many things that are
not so dignified. Therefore unrest increases in his kingdom
in accordance with his conduct. I think there are people
there who honor him only because this is the rule and because
they are aware that he knows how to handle them.
But we have not come to a situation like this in which the
king behaves in an irresponsible manner. The vast majority of
the people are very happy in the kingdom and respect the
royal family and want it to continue. Still I should note
that the spirit of modern democracy is having its effect and
therefore it is hard to foresee whether this situation will
continue forever. People may want a change or may seek power
for themselves. I do not know. What I can do is talk about
the current situation and how the people feels in general.
Our King, Our Father
As a prince I had a special status. I could have a private
audience with the king himself without any advisors present,
but first I had to ask permission. I couldn't say, "Father, I
need you now." First he was the king and only afterwards my
father. Not "Ovinu Malkeinu" but "malkeinu
ovinu."
Actually this is logical, since those who are really close to
the royal court have to be more wary with his honor than
those who are more distant. The king's true honor is apparent
through those close to him more than through those who are
far removed. Usevivov nis'aro me'od (Tehillim
50:3).
One of the things I mention in my lectures is the structure
of tefillas Shemoneh Esrei. When I discovered Judaism
I was very surprised to see that the order of tefillas
Shemoneh Esrei is precisely the same as the protocol of a
meeting with the king in my country: Saying praises, laying
forth requests and the manner of parting by taking three
steps back. This is identical to a meeting with a king
today!
I was surprised that Jews know how to conduct themselves
before a king when there has not been a king of flesh and
blood for thousands of years. To this day, I notice to what a
great extent the issue of royalty is central to Judaism.
For me personally, it is easier to make HaKodosh Boruch
Hu King over me. Crowning Hashem comes more naturally to
me because I have lived this. I don't need to use my
imagination. Other people, particularly people from the West,
find it very difficult to envision royalty because they are
unaccustomed to it.
"What is a king, anyway?" one thinks to himself. "How do I
`crown' Hashem?" One must activate his power of imagination
before he begins to feel fear and awe before Hashem, while to
me this comes naturally. But I think every individual can
arrive at this feeling. I only have an advantage in terms of
my starting point, but not to where this can be taken.
How It All Got Started
Since childhood, I was troubled by the questions of why we
are here on earth. And what is the purpose of life?
But I continued to receive the prestigious education I was
provided. While I was still a boy, the death of the other
king in the country began to draw near. Irresponsible figures
began to whisper to him that Father planned to overtake his
kingdom after his death and to oust his son. Feelings of
unease formed between the two kingdoms and to help restore
calm, Father agreed to move to England for a time.
I continued my education at prestigious schools in England.
Actually, it is customary around the world for princes to
attend British academies. My father is an educated person and
all my brothers and sisters studied at universities as well.
In England, I saw a lot of Jews, but I still did not make my
way into Judaism.
When we returned to Gamadza I wanted to continue my
university studies in South Africa. My mother was born in
South Africa and she tried to persuade me not to take this
step. She told me about the discrimination against blacks
that pervades South Africa. But my decision had been made. I
made an idealistic decision to study in a university where
the majority of students were white, thinking that I would
prove there that skin color does not dictate one's
intellectual level.
At the university, I majored in German and Italian. Once I
was sitting in a very boring class on Italian literature. I
noticed a student was writing from right to left in some
strange writing. After class I went over to him and asked
what he had been writing. "My Hebrew homework," he replied.
Hebrew! That looked interesting. I decided I wanted to study
the language of the Bible as well.
That's really how it all got started . . .
Outreach . . . by a Goy!
I went to the Hebrew department and signed up for a class in
Hebrew grammar. After six months, I went into the language
lab where an Israeli translator had been brought in to help
us understand texts. He played us a tape in Hebrew and the
first segment we heard was the chapter on Akeidas
Yitzchok.
When I heard Loshon Hakodesh I felt like there was
something pulling me. I also experienced Avrohom Ovinu's
mesirus nefesh in the Akeidoh and the
difficulty he had to go through. To this day, when I read
this, it does something to me, for that was really my entry
into Judaism.
African states are essentially secular but most of the
citizens create for themselves a combination of Christianity
and African religions. I always believed in one thing: there
is a Creator. Not only did I believe, but I also lived with a
certain feeling since birth, a feeling I was unable to
explain to myself. When I discovered Judaism I was able to
identify the feeling I had always felt. "This is it!" I said
to myself. "This is what I want."
Since then, from the moment I discovered Loshon Hakodesh,
nothing else interested me. I knew I absolutely must
uncover the inner secret of Loshon Hakodesh. What was
it? What was going on here? I knew something lay here, that
something was going on here. I continued studying Hebrew and
searching for what I called at the time the secret of
Loshon Hakodesh.
One day I found a book called Mishnoh Torah, written
by the Rambam. Why did this book pique my interest? I don't
know. I began to leaf through it and I told myself I would
take this book and read it from cover to cover.
During this period I would share things with my Jewish
friends at the university. I would show them and say, "Look
what the Rambam writes, look what he says." Little by little,
my friends began to take an interest in the Rambam and to
draw closer to Judaism.
Lech Lecho
At a certain stage, I decided to concentrate on my major
subjects, German and Italian. A professor from Israel came to
the university to teach Hebrew. He checked the enrollment
list and asked about me. He was told I had left the
department. The professor tracked me down and asked why I had
left. "I saw you got very good marks," he said.
I told him I wanted to continue with German and Italian and
then he suggested I do a Ph.D. in Hebrew in Eretz Yisroel.
I listened to his proposal and wondered how the idea of
going to Eretz Yisroel had fallen into my lap.
From the material I had read, I knew there was a tight
connection between Eretz Yisroel and Jewish identity.
When I studied Tanach, I tried to understand why
Avrohom Ovinu had been told to go to Eretz Yisroel.
Why couldn't he stay where he was?
I realized there was something special that connected
discovering truth and Eretz Yisroel and I wanted to
receive a full picture of this connection. When I accepted
the opportunity to come here, I felt I was being sent a
Divine gift. A gift that would help me down the road.
During this period, I did not know what to do with the fact
that I was taking an interest in Judaism. At that stage I was
not considering conversion. I simply felt that HaKodosh
Boruch Hu was taking me by the hand and I would have to
exercise patience. Eventually I would arrive at the place he
was leading me to.
I came to Eretz Yisroel and began to study Aramaic at
Hebrew University in Jerusalem. Back then I did not know how
this would help me, but of course after my conversion my
Aramaic studies helped me a lot in gemora study.
I enjoyed my studies greatly, but I walked around with an
inexplicable feeling: Why do I feel there is a great gap
between the mesirus nefesh of Akeidas Yitzchok
and what I was seeing here? Why couldn't I find any inner
meaning that spoke to me? I started to think that my decision
to come to Eretz Yisroel had been mistaken.
One day I received a phone call from my Jewish friends at the
university in South Africa—friends who had gone back to
their roots through me and now they were telling me they were
studying in Eretz Yisroel at a yeshiva called Ohr
Somayach and they wanted to see me.
I went to the yeshiva to visit them and was surprised to see
that they had become real chareidi yeshiva bochurim! I
was amazed at the long journey they had traveled and the
changes they had undergone in their way of life.
They asked me how it could be that a goy had brought
Jews closer to Judaism? They told me that reading the Rambam
had given them chizuk until they became observant
Jews. They told me I was "to blame" for the process they had
gone through.
Uncertainties
"Are you thinking of converting?" they asked me.
"As long as I am able to sleep soundly at night, I won't take
such a step," I replied.
That may have been an extreme answer but I felt great
confusion at the time. Let me tell you why. I was very
preoccupied with the question of why HaKodosh Boruch
Hu had given me a desire and enthusiasm for something
that did not belong to me. What was the connection between a
young African and Judaism?
I was frustrated by the thought that if I wanted to become a
Jew I would have to exert myself internally and spiritually,
whereas my friends had been outsiders and all of a sudden
they had become insiders, studying in a yeshiva.
I searched for an answer to the question of why I had been
placed in such a situation of being a goy with an
attraction to Judaism. If I should be a Jew why hadn't I been
born a Jew? After all there are Jews who are unaware of their
tie to Judaism and they have no interest in a connection to
Judaism. Why couldn't I switch places with them? Let them be
born goyim and me a Jew . . .
By then I already understood Judaism does not work like that,
but I was frustrated by the situation I was in. I took an
angry stance and decided if that was the way things were then
I would never convert.
I had to go through some very powerful experiences before
deciding to convert.
I went to several hashkofoh shiurim at Ohr Somayach
and immediately recognized what I had been searching for all
the time. I felt the connection to Akeidas Yitzchok
and to the Rambam's book. I was on the right track! I
realized the university was not really what I was looking for
and that I wanted to be in yeshiva learning Torah.
The answer to the question of why I had been born a
goy, I received only much later. At first HaKodosh
Boruch Hu allowed me to understand that He is the Baal
habayis and He does not owe me any answers. When I
eventually got my answer, it was like a getting a present
from HaKodosh Boruch Hu.
Four years ago, I transferred to the English-speakers'
shiur at Shaarei Binoh in Tzfas. It was parshas
Yisro and I posed a question I had heard from HaRav Moshe
Carlebach at Ohr Somayach. Chazal focus on the fact that
Yisro was the first to say, "Blessed be Hashem, Who saved you
from the hands of Egypt" (Shemos 18:11). Why? Why did
the first "boruch Hashem" not come from the Jews
themselves?
The answer is that there is greater honor for HaKodosh
Boruch Hu if an outsider recognizes Him and accepts His
reign.
When I heard this, a thought popped into my head as if it had
been sent from Shomayim. Nu? . . . And I understood
what this "nu" was. What do you think in your case? Is this
not a show of greater honor for HaKodosh Boruch Hu
when someone is brought to Judaism from so far away? How can
you still ask why you weren't born a Jew?!
When I saw how people derived chizuk from my life
story I understood the answer. But first I had to understand
that I was not the focus of the matter, rather the whole
world was created for HaKodosh Boruch Hu's honor. My
life story is not a personal story but a story of what
HaKodosh Boruch Hu wants to reveal in His world.
Running Away
But during my period of study at Hebrew University I still
did not have an answer to my question.
"You've gotten yourself into a real bind," I said to myself.
"Whether you stay at the university or go to yeshiva you will
remain a member of a small minority—mi'uta
demi'uta. A goy among Jews. You will not be able
to develop this way and you won't be able to discover why it
was you were born a non-Jew because you are trying to
identify with people who are different from you."
I came to the conclusion that I should leave it all behind
and continue living the life I had been born into. This
sounded logical to me and when the university went on
vacation I traveled to Rome. It was an escape—or an
attempted escape—from Judaism. In Rome I was among
goyim and I told myself, "Here in Rome Judaism
wouldn't be able to find me."
As an aficionado of Italian art, I went into the Vatican to
see the works of art. I was astonished by the beauty I saw. I
marveled at how the Roman people had controlled the whole
world and made such great contributions to Western culture. I
held them in high esteem. As I was walking around, I began to
think about some of the things I had heard during the
hashkofoh shiurim I had attended in Jerusalem.
"Hold it," I said to myself. "Do you remember what these
people you so admire did to the Jewish people? They waged an
Inquisition. They burned people alive! They were extremely
cruel people!" I asked myself how I could admire such
perverse people.
I left there thinking about all the suffering Am Yisroel
has experienced throughout the generations. I recalled
what a Jew says when he gives his life to sanctify Hashem's
Name: "Shema Yisroel . . . " I went back to my hotel
room and for the first time in my life I covered my eyes and
said, "Shema Yisroel . . . "
I felt a tremendous power as if all those who had died
through kiddush Hashem throughout the generations were
together with me saying Shema Yisroel. It was such a
strong, palpable feeling! I was very afraid because I did not
know how to explain what I felt. And then once again I asked
myself, "Why is HaKodosh Boruch Hu revealing this to
me? What is the connection between me and Shema
Yisroel?"
But my cynicism prevailed. I decided to disregard the matter
and continued touring Rome.
One morning I went down from my hotel room to eat breakfast.
I sat next to the plate, picked up the fork and drew it
towards me, but I didn't put the food in my mouth. This
happened three or four times.
"Why don't you eat?" I asked myself. "What's the problem?
Don't tell me the food is not kosher: You're a goy and
you can eat whatever you want."
Suddenly I recalled one day I had been with my Jewish friends
and nobody ate. While I was with them I felt it was not
appropriate for me to eat either. We spent the whole day
together and in the evening we went out to eat. Was this the
same day of the year? I dismissed this out of hand.
Impossible.
Suddenly I recalled leaving Eretz Yisroel shortly
after Rosh Hashonoh. "I know this is all nonsense," I
thought, "but why don't you go check the dates anyway?"
I went to my room, took out a schedule book and began to
count how many days had gone by since I'd left Eretz
Yisroel. I saw one of the squares was marked, "Yom
Kippur."
No, this can't be! It's impossible. I took out another
schedule book and it, too, indicated it was Yom Kippur. I
thought I was out of my mind. I left the hotel, stopped a
taxi and drove to the Jewish quarter, Il Quatro Sol. I went
into the nearest beis knesses and saw everyone was
cloaked in white.
I stepped in further, sweating and trembling all over. How
could it be that I had felt the holiest day in Judaism?
I left, recalling how I had told my Jewish friends that I
would not convert as long as I was able to sleep soundly at
night. I felt as if HaKodosh Boruch Hu was telling me,
"If you don't want to sleep well at night that can be
arranged . . . "
I don't know how to explain it. I felt as if HaKodosh
Boruch Hu had forced me to recognize this, allowing me no
escape. HaKodosh Boruch Hu gives a person a certain
number of opportunities. "If not now, then when?" I asked
myself.
I was afraid if I didn't do anything when my time came I
would be told, "You cannot say you searched for the truth,
because when you were shown the truth you fled from it."
"I know the Torah is true," I said to HaKodosh Boruch
Hu, "and that Am Yisroel is Your nation. I see
where you're leading me to and I'm going back to Eretz
Yisroel to convert."
*
When I was asked in beis din why I wanted to convert,
I replied by quoting the verse, Va'ani kirvas Elokim li
tov (Tehillim 73:28). After my conversion, when I laid
tefillin I felt a tremendous closeness to HaKodosh
Boruch Hu as I whispered the verse, Ve'eirastich li
le'olom. Klal Yisroel is HaKodosh Boruch
Hu's bride!
Before my conversion I knew it meant severing ties with my
family and giving up everything. Even according to Western
standards, my father has a great deal of money and power. He
has everything he could want. But I knew, even if I were to
receive things like this I would not feel comfortable about
it. I knew how hard it would be. My ties with my family were
severed for 16 years.
During the Persian Gulf War, my father worried about me.
Missiles were falling in Eretz Yisroel and he wanted
to know what was happening with me. He found out where I was
and he was told his son had converted and was studying Torah
in yeshiva.
Father was very angry. I can understand his reaction. Any
parent who sees his children choosing a different set of
values is pained by it. I think this is perfectly normal,
especially since Father is a king. But I was afraid he would
use his power against me. I realized right away I would not
be going anywhere near Swaziland for a long time.
After 16 years of being cut off, my father called and said,
"Son, we haven't seen you for 16 years. We all miss you. Your
brothers and sisters have married and have children of their
own. We want to see you. You don't have anything to be afraid
of," he added. "Nothing will happen to you."
I decided I was willing to meet, but only on neutral
territory because I was still worried that Father held a
grudge against me.
I met the whole family at the airport in Johannesburg and we
all cried. When I saw Father I recited the brochoh one
says upon seeing a non-Jewish king, "Boruch shenosan
mikevodo levosor vodom."
I saw an old man before me. Actually, all of us had aged. It
was a very emotional reunion. "You're all grown up now,"
Father said to me, "and you've made a commitment to live your
life like this. I've come to terms with it. We just want you
to continue to stay in touch with us."
During the course of my spiritual journey I skipped over
Christianity. I couldn't even come near it. It's like going
up to a trash bin to see if there's some food inside. I felt
that it was all lies.
In Judaism I discovered something that greatly surprised me.
It is not kept hidden that HaKodosh Boruch Hu demands
difficult things from you—He demands mesirus
nefesh! And this was the first thing I learned:
Akeidas Yitzchok.
In Judaism there is no hiding that Hashem's wrath might be
manifested, killing thousands of people at once. Judaism does
not hide the tikkun cheit of teshuvoh and
various other things for which the individual himself is
responsible.
When I discovered these things in Judaism I felt this
approach was correct. This concurs exactly with the reality.
If a person violates the law he cannot come to court and say,
"Oops, sorry about that." That won't help. Following a
transgression one must pay a fine or go to jail. The same
applies regarding sins. One must rectify the distortion as
much as possible.
In my view Judaism simply reflects reality.
Rav Natan Gamadza's appearance reveals nothing: a white
shirt, black pants and a large black yarmulke. His
calm, modulated voice belies his turbulent life story. His
speech is as regal as that of an intelligent European prince
who expresses himself in a clear, measured manner.
He is 40 and has a command of 12 languages, including "a
bissel Yiddish." He carries himself with the polished
refinement inculcated in him while studying at a British prep
school, but his hand gestures are distinctly Jewish. As he
speaks, his hands are constantly in motion, fitting the image
of the timeless Jew.
"I have no ambitions," declares the prince—the rov,
that is. "I just want to come to HaKodosh Boruch Hu
every night and say to Him, `You gave me this day. Here, take
it back. I did everything you commanded me.' "
Rav Natan is married to an American Jew of Ashkenazi descent.
He keeps people riveted during his lectures for Arachim,
gives shiurim at Sholom Rov and Shaarei Binoh in
Tzfas, where he lives, and continues to study in
kollel!
The Ph.D. degree he began at Hebrew University remains
unfinished. "I already knew that was not what I was looking
for."
He wanted to study Torah.
The recitation of birchos HaTorah is very dear to him.
Asher bochar bonu mikol ho'amim. "HaKodosh Boruch
Hu chose me from among my whole family, from among all
the people I know . . . HaKodosh Boruch Hu chose me
and gave me Toras Emes. I know what I came to into the
world for. Vechayei olom nota besocheinu . . .
Yated Ne'eman: Jews are the sons of
kings—bnei melochim. Do you feel like a Jewish
prince now?
Rav Natan: In the Torah we are told to be a
mamleches kohanim vegoy kodosh (Shemos 19:6). I feel
all of us are princes.
YN: We know it, but you feel it!
Rav Natan: I feel my Jewishness as a Jew, but that
does not diminish from the Jewishness of another Jew. I do
not feel I am a prince within Am Yisroel any more than
anybody else. All of us are princes, all of us are sons of
kings.
YN: Describe how it is easier for you to feel the
state of "standing before the King." Do you feel this when
you speak with Hashem?
Rav Natan: To be perfectly honest, I don't feel it.
But on the other hand, as a king, my father was limited in
his behavior and responses towards me. The throne restricted
his fatherhood. But with HaKodosh Boruch Hu there are
no limits, no boundaries.
YN: Was it easier for you to accept ol Malchus
Shomayim compared to other converts? It seems easier to
switch one king for another.
Rav Natan: I suppose so, relatively speaking.
YN: Tell us honestly: If you were offered the throne
in Swaziland would you accept it?
Rav Natan: Me? I don't think so.
YN: And if, let's say, you were allowed to conduct
yourself as a Jew?
Rav Natan: Look, first of all I have an older brother
. . . But in any case I see my mission as a member of the
Jewish people. Even if I was offered my father's kingdom, I
would rather have HaKodosh Boruch Hu's Kingdom.
Right after my conversion I rushed to lay tefillin
before shekiyoh. When I put on the tefillin
I felt like I was connected to all of Jewish history, to
Avrohom Ovinu, to Akeidas Yitzchok and that now I was
a part of this story. I felt I was returning home and that
now I could live my life.
Today I know what my task is in the world, what I have to do
here. It no longer troubles me that life goes by so fast. I
have things to do. I have a task.
I know that with every mitzvah one acquires eternity and that
each and every moment is important. Time is not something
that passes without meaning. When I discovered Judaism, I
found answers to questions I had always raised about the
meaning of life. I felt like I was beginning to live.
Perhaps I was a bit stubborn but eventually I came home.
An Arachim seminar in Italy. A diverse audience fills the
hall. One lecturer finishes speaking and the participants
glance at the program, waiting to see who the next speaker
is. The name is strange, hard to pronounce. Gamadza.
Is he from Argentina? Maybe from Ethiopia? A black chareidi
man steps onto the stage. He opens his mouth and begins to
speak. What a surprise! He speaks fluent Italian.
"I am Prince Gamadza," he begins. "The son of King
Gamadza."
The people in the audience smile — but a minute later
their smiles vanish. The prince gazes out at the audience and
continues to speak. Nobody remains indifferent listening to
the power of his words.
"I was born in a palace. It is said that my family is
descended from ancient Egypt. The inhabitants of Gamadza
subsist as farmers, living in peace and quiet. They work the
fertile land and accept the rule of the monarchy
unquestioningly. As long as I can remember, my parents were
busy with the task of running the country and holding royal
ceremonies. Receptions, hosting events, meetings,
consultations."
Rav Natan tells his life's story. Towards the end he says,
"And here I am now in Italy, lecturing before you at an
Arachim seminar. For me this trip brings me full circle. I
once fled from Eretz Yisroel. I fled from the thoughts
enveloping me and telling me to draw closer to Judaism and to
convert. Like Yonah Hanovi I searched for a ship sailing for
Tarshish. No fish swallowed me up but here in Rome, the
center of idolatry, the spark of Judaism ignited in my
heart."
YN: How do you come to terms with the fact you came to
Judaism from so far away while others who are really quite
close are actually so far?
Rav Natan: I can only answer that question through a
story. Seven years ago I took a bus from Tel Aviv to
Jerusalem. A young secular man sat beside me and we struck up
a conversation. "Tell me," I said. "Do you feel something
special when you travel to Jerusalem?"
"No," he said. "I feel the same way I always feel. I live in
Tel Aviv and I go to Jerusalem to visit friends."
I was taken aback. Again I asked him, "You don't feel any
kedushoh? You don't feel anything inside?"
Suddenly he burst into tears. He was touched to see I could
not understand how he could be so blase. I think that bus
ride opened up something in him.
To answer the question, I really don't understand this. I
just can't comprehend. Maybe it's because I felt HaKodosh
Boruch Hu so powerfully during my lifetime, maybe this is
why I can't understand this indifference. I am quite curious
to find out how it could be that they feel nothing.
I suppose you could say that throughout my lifetime I lived
with the issue of death and immortality.
I would picture to myself a person who wakes up in the
morning and plans to go out to buy a newspaper to read over
breakfast. He steps outside and crosses the street without
looking carefully for cars.
A bus slams into him and it's all over. No newspaper. No
breakfast. No nothing. Everything's over. So what's going on
here?
At every moment of a person's life, things can change from
one extreme to the other.
What does that tell me? It tells me there must be something
very profound here.
When I was four or five years old, my grandfather on my
mother's side passed away. I think that was the first time I
asked myself the question, What are really here for?
As I grew older I delved into these questions in greater
depth but even as a boy I thought about it. I had a powerful
awareness that one day I would have to leave This World and I
wanted to understand what I would take from here at the end
of my 120 years. I saw people chasing after honor their whole
lives and I asked myself what they stood to gain.
I didn't tell my family members about my uncertainties and I
don't think it would have interested them much. They were
caught up in the race of life. I guess they felt satisfaction
with where they were in life. But I did not feel satisfied
with life. I try to understand them but I can't understand
their way of thinking. I just don't understand it.
I contemplated these questions, and all of a sudden life
seemed totally empty to me, lacking in content. I was
constantly pondering this and could not understand it. I felt
like I was on another planet, looking down on This World and
trying to comprehend the meaning of all that takes place here
and how it affects me. I didn't see anything I could point to
and say, "Aha! This makes life worth living!"
At this stage I said to myself that there must be something
beyond what I see. There has to be some rational reason why
we are here. What did we come here to accomplish?
I think a ger tzedek follows the path of Avrohom Ovinu
to a certain extent. All the people around him were
idolaters. His father was close to the malchus but
nevertheless he knew there was something missing!
He searched for the truth and HaKodosh Boruch Hu
helped him find it.
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