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Home
and Family
Whose Opinion?
by R. Chadshai
A woman tells her friend that she bought a marvellous pair of
shoes in a certain shop, and that she is really pleased with
them. However much she needs a new pair of shoes, there is no
way that the friend will ask her to pick up a pair in her
size, next time she passes the shop. Shoes need to be fitted
to individual feet. Even if they are the right size, the
width may be wrong, or the instep might not be comfortable:
there are many considerations in buying a pair of shoes.
Young people go for styles and brand names. For many people
the price is crucial and they won't even try on a pair they
like, if they are too expensive. For older people, comfort is
a priority, frequently even if the price is high. What is
suitable for one person might be quite inappropriate for
someone else.
If a mundane topic like the acquisition of a pair of shoes
involves so much deliberation, it should be obvious that a
sensitive issue like guidance and advice in the field of
education must be customized to the particular child,
circumstances and family. Yet for some reason, 'customers'
grasp at an idea without considering whether it is suitable
for their purpose. They hear of a new theory which worked for
the child of a friend of theirs, and immediately plan to
adapt it for their own purposes. Not only might it not work,
it might even cause irreversible damage.
"Take my advice, I don't want it," said one man, "It didn't
work for me either." One cannot consult dozens of 'experts'
in child rearing, and follow their advice blindly. So how are
we to know which method is best, which idea will work for our
family, and what solution is the best for our particular
problem? There are no hard-and-fast rules for such an
abstract term as advice. Whatever has worked wonders in one
particular instance might be completely useless for another
child who seems to have the identical problem. The emphasis
must be on the word 'seems.' No two children are alike, nor
can their families be identical.
It is well known that words of praise and approbation, even
if undeserved, have a positively beneficial effect on most
people of all ages. However, a teenage girl who was going
through a difficult patch, complained to her mother, "The
teacher is only trying to be nice to me, so that my behavior
will improve. She says all sorts of things which are just not
true!" Teenagers nowadays read all the advice given to
parents and many even attend lectures on child rearing,
unfortunately. This makes it all the more difficult to adopt
the right policy and to put it into practice effectively.
A lot of parents who lack confidence in the way they are
handling their children, attend as many lectures and
workshops as they can. No sooner do they hear of a new
hypothesis than they discard the old one and change track
completely. By the time they have begun to implement it,
there is a new theory on the horizon. This only leaves the
children confused and the parents frustrated. Consistency is
one of the most important words in child rearing!
These parents do not have the courage to declare that they
feel a particular theory is not sensible, and that it will
not work with their child. Even if they know they are right,
they do not have the self assurance to trust their own
intuition. A mother's instincts might guide her very
adequately when she is having a discussion with her son, yet
she riffles through the contents of her mind, to check what
last Monday's lecturer would say.
A mother, whose son had an insatiable craving for sweets and
junk food, gave him more than he could possibly eat, so he
had little appetite for any other food. After two weeks of
this treatment, the boy begged for regular food. (They say
that workers in a chocolate factory who are allowed to eat as
much as they can on the job, never want to taste another
chocolate. I do not know if this is true or not!) Chatting to
friends in the park, this mother boasted gleefully of the
success of her strategy. Another woman, whose son also had a
severe craving for sweets, decided she would employ the same
plan. She told her son that he could help himself to as much
junk food as he wanted. She had not reckoned with her son's
steady, thoughtful nature. He did help himself, but stored up
enormous amounts of nosh in various places, enough to last
him for months.
Another mother reported that she had cured her son of not
coming home on time after school. She left a note on the
table that she had left the house at six, the time the child
should have been home from school, and had taken the other
children for some special treat. Her son was much more
careful after that to come straight home, in case he missed
another treat, rather than hanging around after school. When
her excited friend discussed the plan with her husband, he
was horrified. Their son was not to be trusted at home alone
under any circumstances. He had the wildest ideas and had no
thought of danger to life and limb.
Who is wise? One who learns from all men. Learning something
and putting it into practice are two different things. We
have to sift through the information and also learn what not
to do. Even these wonderful lectures by experienced experts
in education and psychology, may contain advice which is not
always suitable. We do not have to accept everything we hear.
There are no clear-cut methods when dealing with youngsters.
Each person is an individual. Think about it, work through
the ideas and do not be afraid of using your own instincts
and perception. Nobody else can do it for you.
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