He was the youngest in a family of eleven children, who all
doted on him. In holiday time, when the big boys were home
from yeshiva, they vied with each other over who could dress
him, feed him, and bathe him. Six years went by, two siblings
got married, and Yossi was still the family pet. They still
dressed him and spoon-fed him.
Generally, by the age of two, children assert their
independence. They want to do things 'self,' or 'lone' and
will fight tooth and nail for independence, even when they
cannot quite manage. So what happened to Yossi? Why is he
allowing himself to be treated like a baby? Why is he acting
so much younger than his age, preferring to play with
children at least two years younger than himself? Why is he
speaking in a whiny baby voice, difficult to understand? In
truth, he was very articulate at eighteen months and never
mispronounced a word. He only started speaking like this when
he was three.
Peter Pan is a fictional story of a little boy who never
wanted to grow up. What would cause a child in real life not
to want to mature? A particularly sensitive child, who lacks
self-confidence, may well be a candidate for wanting a
perpetual childhood. He is protected by loving parents,
supplied with all his needs and gives nothing in return. Why
enter the harsh world of reality? Interestingly, many of
these babyish children are particularly bright.
Most people can remember some time in their teens or even
later, when they were under physical or mental stress,
calling out to Mommy, whether she was available or not. It is
a reflex, to some extent. Mature, thinking people naturally
turn to the One who helps us all, at all times.
There is a great deal of difference between a child who has
never grown up; and one who suddenly regresses through some
event in his life. The birth of a new baby, a death in the
family or even a happy event like the wedding of an older
sister might trigger the regression. The child cannot cope
with the stress and, in all likelihood, this is a phase,
which will pass with careful handling. A large amount of
love, attention and understanding will help him return to his
normal self.
The child who has never been allowed to grow up has been
conditioned to remain a baby. A boy of ten who was still
sleeping in his parents' bedroom was an extreme example.
Mother wanted her baby, but the siblings took the law into
their own hands and moved the bed into their own room one
evening when the parents were at a wedding.
Mothers who say tolerantly that he will not suck a pacifier
when he gets married, and that he will relinquish his bottle
when he is ten, have a point. However, when it gets to the
stage that the first grade teacher reports that he is
terribly childish for his age, when the child cries for
anything he wants and still has tantrums like a two-year-
old, when he is far too dependent on his mother, it is time
to reverse the situation.
Frequently, it is not just the parents' fault that their
child has remained a baby. He might have fewer coping
strengths than other people, so that it is easier to depend
on adults to cope for him. Whatever the reason, he must be
taught, that it is worth his while to grow up. Children of
eight have been brought to me, not yet dressing themselves. I
have suggested that they surprise their mother in the morning
by being dressed before she came in, and then reinforced the
natural satisfaction by a small prize.
Ridicule is not a tool to be used, and siblings should be
discouraged from taunting him by calling him a baby. Effusive
praise will work wonders as he begins to drop his babyish
ways. The words, "I am so pleased that you managed to control
yourself, and didn't start crying as you used to" have helped
prevent outbursts.
Every mother tries to protect her child and to cushion his
way in life. There comes a time when she must realize that he
has to learn to stand on his own two feet and that she cannot
protect him forever. If she wants to be kind to him and let
him grow up normally, she must do just that. Stop doing
everything for him, stop pandering to his wishes, encourage
him when he manages to do things and convince him that he can
do more.
When the child always wants to be 'the baby' in games of
mothers and fathers, it is not worth interfering. One mother
who was concerned about this brought in some ice cream at the
end of the afternoon and told the 'baby' that she was too
small for ice cream, only the older children and the mommy
and daddy could have some. Eventually she relented but
suggested that the following time someone else could be
'baby.' She reported that the stratagem worked. If the child
persists in talking in a silly baby voice, Mother could say,
"I don't mind if you want to pretend to be a baby for a
little while, but first tell me in a nice voice how we should
play, because I don't really understand you when you talk
like that."
Growing up is a natural process and not always pleasant.
Nevertheless, it is our task to help our children mature into
happy healthy adults. The mothers who so desperately want a
baby will have to wait for their grandchildren, and not keep
their own children babies longer than they need to be. Above
all else, constant prayers for siyato diShmaya are
worth more than all suggestions and advice when we are
raising children.
