And that's the truth! Is it fair that one child is born first
and another last? The first will get more of mother's
exclusive attention, but will often complain that the
youngest gets more things and at a younger age than he ever
did. Parents may often be more patient and accepting with the
younger children than they were with their first. On the
other hand, the oldest will have the privileges, such as they
are, of being the oldest.
Is it fair that one child is born with a quiet compliant
nature and another with a rowdy and difficult one? Is it fair
that one is born to poverty and another to wealth? That one
is born with grace and another is awkward? How many are the
differences between people, even those born of the same
parents, not to speak of the differences between those of
different families?
Children want to see that the world is fair, and if you give
more cake to one child than to another, then it will seem
that you are favoring one child over another and they will
let you know how unfair it is! Such a strong desire that
things should be just is a good thing. But I can imagine many
reasons why I might consider it more just to give one child
more than another. Some of these reasons may be acceptable to
the other children, some might not be.
As parents, we have a responsibility to give our children
tools to deal with the world, and one very important lesson
they need to learn is how to deal with the unfairness of the
world. It's no use telling them that it isn't unfair —
because it is! This is because their concept of fairness is
'sameness.' And as no two people are the same, life cannot
appear fair. The first lesson is that 'fairness' is not
'sameness.'
It is very wrong to show preference for one child over
another, or to appear to love one more than the other. But a
mother who understands the needs of her children, and how
they differ, may realize that this one needs more of
something (attention, cake, money, music lessons etc.) right
now, and that to provide that need in this case is not
spoiling, it is not trying to favor one child, but is, in
actuality, simply trying to provide something the child
needs. And that providing it is in reality making things
'fairer.' The problem comes in getting the other children to
understand this.
For example, it is not fair if a child who has learning
difficulties gets more prizes to motivate him than a child
that is excelling in class. A child has to learn that
children have different life situations, and need different
responses. Take another example: Imagine a child who is very
ill and gets a lot of visits and toys and special things. The
other siblings may find it quite easy to accept that the
different circumstance of this child merit the extra
attention and goodies. Just as they are not jealous of the
illness, they are not jealous of the extras. If they have
problems with this, then the parent may need to spend a lot
of time explaining it. But what if there is an older sister
who has to take on a lot of the baby sitting, cooking and
shopping because of this situation. She may not be jealous of
the sick child, or of his extra toys, but she might well
start to feel overwhelmed by the demands on her. She will not
complain, because the situation demands it, and she would
feel very guilty to grumble. However a wise parent will
understand that this child now needs something that the
others do not need (although they might want it), and will
find a way to 'square things,' that is, to make things more
fair by giving her something extra. Depending on the
circumstances, the finances and the nature and age of the
girl, it might be anything from that extra piece of cake with
a message 'you deserve something special for coming through
for us at this time — thanks!'— to a trip
abroad.
These sorts of situations arise all the time in a family, and
one must constantly strive to get through the message that
fairness is not sameness. That loving them all doesn't mean
treating them all the same. And later in life, they will
learn that Hashem deals with people the same way. This one
gets married first in her class; this one is still waiting
after the younger class has already married. This one has
multitudes of children easily, this one struggles for each
one, and this one is denied altogether. This one has a happy
marriage and this one has a marriage that ends in divorce.
This one has health and . . . . You get the idea.
If a person has a 'bee in his bonnet' about fairness, then he
or she will have a very unhappy life. She will feel it is
unfair when she doesn't catch a bus or when another is
promoted over her. It can destroy family relationships
because she will compare herself, and her husband, and her
children with another's (obviously more accomplished) and
find herself and her own family lacking. And she will feel
that her life is too hard and that it's not fair! This is a
person who has not accepted the unfairness of the world. She
has not accepted that Hashem is in control.
This problem not only exists among our youngsters, but the
older, married ones as well. For example, if you pay for the
flights of the two older married boys and their spouses and
kids to the first girl's wedding, then beware! What will be
when it's the ninth, and there are that many more siblings,
spouses and children! You won't be able to pay for everyone,
and someone will complain.
People can be so lacking in sense (or a good training) that
they do not realize for themselves that the situation has
changed. What about the Pesach visits? If you pay for two or
three married children to return with their children for
Pesach, are you stuck with ten couples and their kids still
returning, fifteen years down the line? The time might well
come when you turn around and say 'Who's having US for Pesach
this year?' Is it fair that the older ones got those trips
and the younger ones didn't?
What of the family that had the resources to go to Eretz
Yisroel for Succos. Is that fair on the younger ones who
missed out because they came along after it was no longer
practical? These things are not fair, if `fair' means `the
same'. But that's life! No one chooses where they are born in
the family, or how the financial resources of their parents
change over the years.
A couple may start as poor kollel-leit, move to a
struggling half work—half learn regime as long as they
can manage, progress to a quite well-off, two parents
working, stage. Weddings may reduce them to watching the
finances again, and retirement might find them comfortable
but with not too much extra. Obviously, each stage has to be
understood by those around them, and what they can expect
will vary. Is it fair?
Perhaps not, but that's the way it is. A parent who finds
that what was possible before is no longer possible, should
simply explain the situation, and not get bogged down in
guilt because of calls of 'not fair'.
It is not our obligation to make our children happy; it is
our obligation to give them the tools for them to create
their own happiness, and one of these tools is coping with
the unfairness of the world.
